Thanksgiving 2012

For the first time in a long time I'm awake later than Andy.  I honestly cannot remember the last time he went to bed first.  It's nice to be awake in a peacefully quiet house, no noise other than the dishwasher running.  The boys have been in bed for over an hour now and I've prepped the bottles for tomorrow.  So now I'm just thinking of how thankful and grateful I am for all that I have been blessed with.

Jacen and Spencer are growing and thriving.  One week ago Jacen weighed 15lbs and Spencer weighed 16!  That's a long way from their birth weights.  They have persevered against their first virus, a nasty stomach bug I brought home from work.  Jacen has also had his first ear infection.  Despite being sick the boys were troopers.  Aside from refusing bottles there wasn't much to alert us to them not feeling well.  Spencer is a rolling machine and Jacen has recently started "crawling" in a circle.  They're mobile!  I don't think it will be much longer before they're seriously all over this house and getting into everything.  

Last saturday was World Prematurity Day.  Hand to Hold announced their Preemie Power top winners.  Jacen and Spencer received third place in their age category and will be receiving capes in the mail!  I'm so proud of them.  I hate that they had such a rough start but it makes me feel good that we're already turning it into a purpose instead of a negative.  I'm happy that we can hopefully help others through what we have experienced.

Jacen and Spencer's first Thanksgiving was very low key.  My dad is having back surgery next week so my parents were unable to come over for fear of being exposed to the nasty bug the boys and I had.  So I bought a small precooked turkey breast, gravy, rolls, and apple pie.  I whipped up some quick stovetop stuffing and mashed potatoes.  We still had a feast!  The boys sat in their highchairs and played while we ate.  They're not quite ready to try real food but they'll be there soon.

The boys are getting so big!  Andy has curly hair that lays flat when short and I have straight hair that supposedly stood straight up when I was a baby.  So for now we're guessing Spencer will have curly hair and Jacen's will be straight.  Only time will tell but it sure is fun to guess!  They also have different eye colors and skin tones.  Jacen is much darker and his eyes are darker, too.  Spencer's eyes look like they're turning green but we're not too sure about Jacen's.

Overall the boys are doing extremely well.  They're still receiving physical therapy for torticollis, although Spencer probably won't qualify when he gets reevaluated.  We're working on getting a DOC band helmet for Jacen to correct his plagiocephaly.  Insurance denied the preauthorization but I'm fighting it.  Hopefully it won't take too many hours on the phone to get everything straightened out and he can be in his helmet by Christmas.  Other than that they have no health problems and their development is at least at their adjusted age, often times closer to actual.  We are so incredibly blessed!

Time is flying

One year ago today we found out that we were blessed with twins.  That day is so vividly ingrained into my memory.  I was so terrified that we would be told bad news.  Instead  I still laugh remembering Andy's reaction, "Wait, there are two?".  At the time I was so overwhelmed.  I felt like I had just received a syllabus for a very tough class on the first day of school.  It seems impossible, but it's what you have to do.  Then at the end of the semester you look back and wonder what seemed so tough about it.  I won't lie, having twins is very tough.  But I can't imagine not having them.  I can't imagine Jacen without Spencer, or Spencer without Jacen.  They are such unique boys but they are definitely a pair.  A pair I feel so very blessed to have, every second of every day.

Jacen and Spencer are 6 and a half months old, 4 months adjusted now.  I can't believe how quickly time is flying!  They're growing so quickly, it's bittersweet.  They were newborns for so so long and then one day they suddenly weren't.  They're such unique, funny, quirky boys.

Jacen is our stone-faced silly boy.  He's so serious and inquisitive most of the time, but when he smiles it's a big one!  Both our boys are a funny balance of Andy and I.  Jacen has Andy's outward personality in that he's not overly excitable.   But he seems to have my love of structure and is very intent when figuring things out.  Spencer is our smiley, flirty boy.  He has  Andy's easy going personality but my quick smile.

Spencer has begun rolling from back to belly very frequently.  With this new skill it's obvious that mobility is in the not too distant future.  In preparation Andy and I are turning our third bedroom into a playroom for the boys.  I never thought I would be a playroom person, but there is just no other way to do it.  Once both boys are mobile we will need someplace to contain them.  We need to keep them safe from the dogs, and keep the dogs safe from them! So today we cleaned out the room and Andy rented a carpet cleaner.  I can't wait to set it all up.

Don't forget to vote for the boys in the Preemie Power Contest!  You can vote once a day.

Preemie Power - Please vote!

I promise a more substantial entry soon, but in the mean time please vote for Jacen and Spencer in the Preemie Power contest!

Ch ch changes

Jacen and Spencer are growing up so quickly!  They're big, healthy boys.  On 10/5 at their 6 month pediatrician appointment Jacen weighed 13lbs11oz and Spencer weighed 14lbs1oz.  Spencer has taken the lead again and both boys were nearly 11lbs over their birth weight.  Not too shabby at all.  Jacen is really into seeing and doing, he does not like laying down one bit.  He's very antsy to sit up but isn't quite able to do it on his own yet.  Spencer has suddenly become a master roller.  Unfortunately for mommy's nerves this means he's rolling to his tummy.  So far he hasn't rolled at night, at least.  This past Friday we transitioned from pack n plays in our room to their cribs at night.  They have done great!  I've been extra anxious and hardly slept on Friday night because I was staring at the monitor constantly.  The anxiety is slowly starting to fade.

We have dropped another bottle from their day so now they are eating 6oz of Neosure five times a day.  Typically they eat at 6am, 10am,1pm, 5pm, and 8pm.  This routine is making me feel like we finally have this twin thing figured out, although I'm sure that will change again really soon.  We're transitioning off of the reflux medications and so far that is going well.  I'm hopeful they have grown out of it!  Their fancy new highchairs arrived today so soon we are going to try to establish a family meal time.  We're not ready for the boys to eat actual food yet, but we want them to get used to their chairs.  Plus, it would be really nice to be able to eat a hot meal together again.  

We were denied for Synagis so I'm in a battle with insurance.  Synagis is a monthly shot which helps dull the effect should the boys catch RSV.  We've been told that RSV is the #1 cause of preemies having to go back to the NICU.  I'm not expecting for them to reverse the denial so we're under quarantine and have a strict hand washing/sanitizing policy.  The whole process for Synagis is frustrating and complicated.  If the boys had been born just five days earlier they would qualify no problem, or if we had Medicaid they would qualify for other reasons.  I'm so thankful they got five extra days in my womb, but it stinks to be denied something so important because of it.  I'm trying to look at it as a positive that they were denied because it means they're healthy.  But it's still scary.

It's so hard to believe that a year ago today I went in for my very first betas to confirm my pregnancy with the boys.  What would I have thought then if I had known what the next year would entail?  What will this next year bring for us?  It's crazy to think of what might be to come.  I don't think life will every be boring again.

Happy anniversary!

Five years ago tomorrow Andy and I got married.  I am so blessed that I have been married to my best friend for so long!  The years have flown by.  Each anniversary has brought new and exciting things.  For our first anniversary we went on a road trip through Oregon early in the month, then spent the night in San Antonio for the actual day.  For our second anniversary we bought our house.  We went on a cruise to the Bahamas for our third.  Last year we went to Vegas.  This year we will be spending it with the new loves of our life, Jacen and Spencer.  I look forward to many more years spent together!  Happy anniversary, Andy!

Remembering our angel

Today we should be chasing a one year old around the house.  We should be enjoying the smiles, the laughter, and the first words.  We should be having a birthday party and opening presents.  We should be letting the kid smash a cake and taking funny videos of it.  When I first found out I was pregnant on 12/31/10 I instantly had hopes and dreams for the baby I was carrying.  When we lost that baby I made a promise that I would never forget them.  I might only have carried them for a short time but they changed our lives forever.

I believe God has perfect timing and our angel is an example of that.  If we had never gotten pregnant with our angel our boys would not exist.  If our angel had stayed with us our boys would not exist.  I can't imagine life without Jacen and Spencer.  So today we remember and honor the baby we lost.  The boys are wearing the onesies I bought on 12/31/10 in remembrance of their sibling that never got to wear them.  I'm also snuggling them extra close.

The good stuff

I'm slacking on updating so I'll do my best to catch y'all up!

The boys are thriving and growing big, strong, and healthy.  Last week, on 8/27, Jacen weighed 12lbs1oz and Spencer 11lbs11oz.  They're keeping the trend of being exactly six ounces apart.  Spencer is receiving physical therapy twice a month for what is now very minimal torticollis.  The prematurity clinic recommended he be evaluated by an occupational therapist so that will happen soon.  His reflux is under great control with Prevacid.  I love that stuff!  He hasn't projectile vomited in at least a month now.  Since he was throwing up at every single meal in the beginning that is a big deal.  Jacen is receiving physical therapy every week now as his torticollis remains more severe and is causing plagiocephally.  This means his flat spot is getting so bad it's causing his forehead to jut forward.  He is being evaluated for a helmet tomorrow.  We're hoping he won't qualify but realistically I'll be surprised if he doesn't.

Both boys are gaining strength.  Spencer is finally working on lifting his head during tummy time but remains the physically weaker one.  Jacen can keep his head up really well and enjoys practice sitting.  Neither of them have rolled yet, although I expect that to happen any day now.  All in all I am so incredibly proud of them and thankful that they are doing so well!

I'm doing well for the most part, too.  Sometimes I feel like I have some post partum depression and PTSD but most of the time I can handle things very well.  I'm working on using my feelings of sadness for the good of others.  I hope sometime soon to establish a monthly NICU family support group that extends beyond discharge from the hospital.  As I've said before, the preemie experience doesn't end at discharge.  I know having a bigger support group of people who understand would be beneficial.

Without further ado I'll leave you with what you really came here for.  Pictures of the boys!

Multitasking momma!

Rights of passage

Today Jacen and Spencer are two months old adjusted!  Happy should have been birthday, boys!

I'm finally getting to work on a mommy right of passage I have wanted to do for a long time; birth announcements.   Yes, I know they will be nearly five months old before anyone receives them but I don't care.  We didn't get to celebrate their birth since we were so scared and worried.  Then I was very protective of who got to see pictures of them.  I'm well aware that to most people a 29w baby is far from cute.  As precious as their faces were to us it hurt to know others wouldn't feel the same.  I also definitely had a strong aversion (which continues) to anyone saying our boys are tiny, little, small etc.  I just wasn't able to celebrate their birth in the midst of all the unknowns. But now, four and a half months later, I think I am finally ready to tackle this normal right of passage.  I'm ready to celebrate their birth for the joyous event it has become, not for the rough start it was.

You may have left the NICU

But the NICU experience will never leave you.  Let me preface this post by saying two things: First, I honestly feel like the most blessed woman ever.  My husband is wonderful, he takes care of the boys and myself 24/7.  Our boys continue to grow big, strong, and healthy.  But none of that changes what I lost.  Second, if I know you in real life and you are pregnant or have a baby around the age of my boys this post is in no way meant against you.  I promise that you have done nothing wrong.

Whew!  Now that thats out of the way I can safely begin.  When our boys were in the NICU I honestly didn't think too much about what life on the outside would be like.  I knew it would be better but I tried to avoid thinking about how being born nearly 11w early would effect them.  I couldn't wait for them to be discharged and for us to leave the confines of the hospital, where I never truly felt like Mom.  But the truth is that the NICU and preemie experience doesn't stop at discharge.  I don't get the "typical" mom experience.  I'm constantly watchful of developmental milestones, our boys have far more appointments than a "normal" baby, and germs terrify me.

Yesterday a coworker brought her son to visit, he was born full term one week after our boys were due.  It was crazy to realize our boys should be that same age.  Instead of being four and a half months old they should be nearly two.  Watching her carefree attitude gave me pangs of sadness.  Her baby was passed around to willing hands to be smothered in well meaning kisses.  I nearly had a panic attack watching.  At one point the baby dropped his pacifier and someone picked it up off the ground and gave it back without even wiping it off.  All those germs!  I will never get to be that mom.  We've been told that any sickness in the first year has a high probability of landing them back in the NICU.  I am stronger, stronger than I ever imagined, but I am not that strong.  Another NICU stay would push me over the edge I sometimes feel I teeter on.

I continue to be envious of the women who get to "enjoy" their third trimester.  I know it must be uncomfortable and they're eager to meet their baby but it's so frustrating to hear someone complain.  I can't help but think that I would have loved to be that uncomfortable, I would have loved my back hurting and them kicking my ribs.  I would have loved the anticipation prior to going into labor.  Instead I spent the ten days prior to their birth terrified that they might not survive, or that they would have a complicated life.

I never realized how greatly this would change our lives.  Andy and I both cry every time we see the GE commercial.  Memories and fears come racing back.  At work I cry when reading the hospital records of a premature baby.  I cried yesterday telling a coworker that never getting to take the gestational diabetes test still bothers me.  I cry a lot, but that's really not unusual for me.  But now I'm hit out of the blue with memories and regrets.  I dont get to be the mom I imagined I would be but I know that I'm the mom God intended me to be.

Working mom

I have done exactly what I hate seeing in other twin blogs, I have abandoned my weekly writing.  I have been all babies all the time in every free moment I have at home which does not leave a lot of blogging time.  The transition back to work has been tough, I miss my boys so incredibly much.  There is honestly nowhere I would rather be than with them.  I have now been back at work for 14 business days, although I took yesterday off for their 4 month shots.  I think we have figured out our next new normal until the next transition happens.

Jacen and Spencer are BIG boys now!  Yesterday Jacen clocked in at 10lbs4oz and Spencer was 9lbs14oz.  They're in 3 month clothing and size 1 diapers.  Both boys are smiling and cooing all the time now.  We're continuing to work with a physical therapist to improve their torticollis.  Spencer loves to snuggle and kick his legs, Jacen loves to hold his head up and look around.  Sunday will mark two months and one day since they came home from the hospital, which will be longer than they spent in the NICU.  I'm so excited for that milestone!  I am in awe of our boys every day, they're the strongest people I know!

I promise to try to write more frequently from here on out.  I don't want to miss documenting anything!

Stay at Home Dad(SAHD) Adventures: Big small babies.

*Cough**Cough* I hear coming from Jacen's pack 'n play. I bolt to the side of his napper with Spencer in my arms nearly dropping his bottle with half his meal left in it. "Just kidding!" Jacen says with his hungry eyes as he continues on with his happy baby day. Meanwhile, Spencer has passed out before I can get back to the couch and resume his feeding. I know Jacen marks this as a sibling victory by keeping his little brother just that, little.

("Just kidding!")

The boys are by no means small in Melissa and my eyes. On the contrary, they are ginormous! Probably pushing nine, maybe nine and a half pounds at this point, they have come a long way from 2lb13oz(Jacen) and 3lb3oz(Spencer). Yes, Jacen is now the older and bigger brother, and he won't let Spencer forget it. I understand why Melissa gets cross-hairs in her pupils targeting everyone who has the nerve to call our boys small, but fair is fair, they are babies, and babies are small. That won't keep her from flat out correcting anyone who dares use the "S" word on our big boys, though.

("Dang! I look good and big.")

First month stuff

We have now been home from the NICU for three and a half weeks.  Time has flown by!  Today they are 12 weeks old.  It's amazing that our tiny little miracles are now nearly 8lb chunky monkeys!

On a few of the multiples boards I frequent I often see people asking what items are necessary for when the babies are first home.  I thought I would write a blog detailing what we have found to be indispensable.  In no particular order:

1. Graco pack n play with reversible napper/changing table: We bought two of these and this is where our boys sleep.  The change from napper to changing table is super quick and easy to do one handed.  The boys seem to enjoy sleeping in the napper.  We keep extra diapers, wipes, bibs, burp blankets, lotion, pacifiers etc within the actual pack n play area.

2. Receiving blankets: Since our boys came home at just over 6lbs and were not able to use the swaddles right away.  These worked great for swaddling them and keeping them warm.  Now we use one for Spencer since a burp cloth is way too tiny to contain his spit up (although his reflux is greatly improved on medicine now).

3. Gerber and Just One You by Carters onesies: These two brands run thin and short so it's been perfect for our boys.  Although I just bought some in 0-3month size and I think they'll outgrow them in another week or two at the most!

4. Gerber 0-6 month hats: Our boys have quickly outgrown newborn hats from other brands but 3 month hats are way too big.  The Gerber's fit perfectly since you can fold up the brim if needed.

5. Nosefrida and Little Noses Saline: We came home with bulb syringes and they work okay.  Several women online had recommended this "snot sucker" so I ordered it through Amazon.  When I received it I was very skeptical and Andy just rolled his eyes.  But it is seriously a miracle worker!  Jacen was incredibly snorty and congested one night so I finally decided to try it.  Let's just say that I will be buying one of these as a gift for every baby shower I attend from now on.

6. Bounty paper towels:  We use them for everything from pee guard, make shift bib, napkin, spitup wiper etc.  We joke that we need to buy stock in Bounty.

7. Swaddles: Once our boys hit 7lbs these have been great.  With the receiving blankets they were always busting out and their toes would get very cold.  With the swaddle that doesn't happen.  Most of the time we swaddle them with their arms out.

8. Amazon Mom's membership: You get free two day shipping on the majority of items, a discount on diapers and wipes, discounted overnight shipping etc.  I have been able to get our diapers for $0.17 each instead of the $0.28 cheapest option I've found in store.  Plus they deliver!  Since we currently go through 20 diapers a day that difference in price really adds up quickly.

9. Dr.Brown's formula mixing pitcher:  We use this to fortify breastmilk as well as mix formula.  It mixes it incredibly well so that there are no chunks left.

10. Skip Hop Duo Deluxe Diaper bag: I am seriously not a purse girl.  I don't much care what it looks like as long as it functions for what I need.  But I love my diaper bag!  It's cute but not too girly so Andy doesn't mind holding it if need be.  It easily fits several extra diapers, wipes, onesies, hats, receiving blankets, bottles, changing pad etc.  It also easily attaches to our stroller so when we're out I don't have to have it weighing down my shoulder.

I'm sure there are other items but these are my favorites right now.

Appointments out the wazoo

I'm not quite sure what a wazoo is, but we have had so many appointments this week!  We're feeling a bit run down and are really looking forward to a Saturday with zero plans.

On monday we got to have lunch with a dear friend and her husband.  I met her on an online loss support board over a year ago and she just moved to town.  She is due with a little girl in July and I am so excited to have a mommy friend close by!  She was just as sweet in person as I knew she would be and her husband was great too.  We really enjoyed getting out and having lunch with them.  I think it was the highlight of my week!  She even brought me some of her famous whoopie pies.  I had never had one before but they were absolutely delicious!

After lunch the boys had their eye appointment.  It went really well and they won't need to be seen again until they are 9 months old.  At that point they'll likely be completely released until they're school age.  Since every single member of both sides of our family wear glasses/contacts I'm sure they are destined to as well.  But I'm so glad they don't have any vision problems related to their prematurity.

Tuesday was our one non busy day.  We relaxed and then were lucky enough to have another friend come visit.  She snuggled the boys with me and even brought us food.  We are very blessed to have her in our lives.  I can't wait until she visits again!

Wednesday was the first ECI visit.  On their scale Jacen was up to 7lbs7oz and Spencer was 7lbs5oz.  Growing boys!  They both qualify for twice monthly physical therapy because they prefer turning their heads to the right.  Both have tightening of the neck muscles.  So the therapy will work on loosening them and teaching us what we can do to help.  Spencer will also get assistance in coping with his surroundings.  The evaluator thinks that he gets easily stressed out.  I'm not sure we 100% agree he's as bad as she thought, but there is a difference between how Jacen and Spencer interact with their environments when not in their comfort zone.

On Thursday we were lucky enough to have a newborn (even though they're technically 11 weeks old!) photo shoot with Hillarry at Silver Bee Photography.  She was looking to add more twins to her portfolio so we were able to get a free photo shoot and will get 10 complimentary photos.  She has the patience of a saint!  The entire shoot took about four hours but it was very relaxed and calm.  Interestingly enough she uses an audio recording of a vacuum cleaner to help calm the babies.  It worked like a charm!  I can't wait to see the final images.  I'm sure it will be very difficult to choose only ten.

Today did not turn out the way we had planned.  Spencer's spit up has turned into full scale projectile vomiting on a regular basis after feeding.  So today we had a pediatrician visit to discuss reflux.  Due to the severity I described they wanted us to immediately head in for an ultrasound and barium study of his stomach.  The doctor cautioned that he might have pyloric hypertrophy and require surgery.  I was very freaked out but I tried to keep calm.  We had been scheduled to go to a prematurity clinic but we had to cancel the appointment.  Thankfully he "just" has severe reflux.  The pyloric area did show a spasm so we will be watching him closely but at this point surgery is in no way indicated.  In 30 minutes he will start his first dose of Prilosec.  We are hoping it works quickly and he starts to feel better soon!  But we have been cautioned that it can take up to two weeks to see a real difference.

Zoe had her surgery on wednesday and is doing well.  She had to have a drain placed due to some extra swelling and is on quite a few medications.  My mom is taking care of her at least through the weekend, which I am so thankful for.  But I miss her so much!  I can't wait to have the whole family reunited again.

Thankfully next week should be much more relaxed and calm.  Did I really just write calm when we have twin boys?

Meal Train

If there are two things new parents need, it would be food and contact from the outside world, and our church is providing both through a program called a "Meal Train". I'm pretty sure that's what it's called. I've seen plenty of meals but not many trains, unless they mean the meals generously coming one after another are like cars on a train. In that case, I have seen and eaten a very tasty train.

Melissa and I had heard about the program on different occasions while we were at church on Sundays, but we never inquired further. We figured we didn't know people well enough to bring food to their house in their times of need, but we've come to realize it's at those times when a semi-stranger's generosity is needed and appreciated most.

We have been so blessed to already have four deliveries of food brought to our front door by members of our church who we would maybe see once a week, shake their hands, and say good morning. This program definitely creates bonds between people who would otherwise just be acquaintances. How can you not invite someone inside and get to know them better when they just brought enough delicious food for multiple meals?

As new parents, this is among the greatest ideas we've ever been blessed to be a part of, and we can't wait to participate in future Meal Trains for other members of our family at our church of worship.

Happy father's day!

Andy,

When I met you nearly eight years ago you were a bored skater boy. I use the term boy because that is honestly what you were. You had no purpose and no direction in life and were just out to have fun. When we began to date I quickly saw you mature and grow. You have always said that you knew I was the one for you and you put forth so much effort to make sure I knew it.

I have been honored to watch you grow into the man you are today. You are a loving husband, a great friend, and an incredible father. Our boys are so lucky that you are their dad. Not every man wants to stay home and help raise their children. But you have jumped into the task not only willingly but gladly. I know our boys will be in very capable hands when I have to return to work next month.

We have been thrown so many curve balls on our journey to become parents but now I couldn't imagine it any other way. Happy father's day!

Due date

Today is my official due date.  With twins we knew we would deliver a few weeks early, but of course we never imagined it would be ten and a half weeks early.  I'm so excited that tomorrow we get to start counting by adjusted age instead of gestational.

The past week has rushed by in a whirlwind.  Life flies by when you're living in three hour increments and at the mercy of two little boys!  Jacen and Spencer are doing great and seem to be thriving at home.  Andy and I are doing well too.  We're both able to relax more, although sleep is a hot commodity that isn't readily available.  We have a nice system worked out that helps ease frustration, mostly.

I also have been able to pump enough to continue feeding the boys fortified breast milk at every feeding.  My supply has lowered enough that within the next day or two for sure they will begin getting more formula.  I'm currently still pumping after every feed, which is eight times a day, but my time is now reduced to 20 minutes.  I'm hoping to get down to 15 within the next week and then maybe eliminate a session or two.  Ideally I would still be able to give the boys some breast milk every day for as long as possible while also remaining sane.  I think if/once my milk totally dries up my freezer stash would get us through a week and a half of the boys getting one bottle of fortified breast milk a day.

Today is the first time I've been alone with the boys for any big span of time.  My mom was supposed to come help watch them while Andy went fishing, but she unfortunately has food poisoning.  So it's just the boys and I today!  I was nervous but it's been enjoyable.  I will definitely need a nap when Andy gets home though!

Tomorrow is our first father's day as a family, I'm very excited to celebrate the wonderful men in my life.  On Monday we're having lunch with a friend and then taking the boys to an eye appointment.  On Tuesday another friend is coming over in the evening.  On Wednesday they have their first Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) evaluation.  Finally on Friday they have their first visit a another early intervention clinic.  I'm looking forward to the evaluations to find out if there is anything we need to work on.  I personally think my boys are brilliant little rock stars but it will be comforting to know that others hopefully agree.  Due to their prematurity they will be followed very closely for at least the first year to make sure no developmental milestones are missed.  I'm thankful programs like these exist.

Tomorrow I have a special post planned, including a new picture!

Weaning from the pump

I hope writing this will be cathartic for me.  I really need a cathartic release to make me be fully happy with this decision.  Although in reality there wasn't much to decide.

With the help of Andy I have decided to wean off the pump and give up on my dreams of breastfeeding the boys.  The reality is that in order to barely pump enough for them, if even, I have been tied to a hospital grade pump for 4.5 hours a day for nearly ten weeks.  I've also been taking supplements every six hours for several weeks.  Now that they're home that is 4.5 hours I can spend snuggling with them or sleeping.  It's a schedule that will be absolutely impossible to maintain once I return to work in five weeks.  If I was able to try to exclusively breastfeed now I would, but I can't.  Since their weight gain hasn't been the greatest we have had to fortify my milk with neosure.  The pediatrician said that if their weight gain was good this Wednesday we could decrease the calories and if in two more weeks it's still good we could switch to exclusive breast milk. The reality is that that would give us just a little over two weeks to establish good breastfeeding before I have to return to work on July 16.  That's highly unlikely to happen even if my supply maintained itself.

I have already slowly started the weaning process.  I dropped down for eight 30 minute pumps to eight 25 minutes sessions.  Tuesday I will drop to 20 minutes for a few days.  It is just so incredibly difficult to give up on this.  It makes me feel like my body is failing us yet again and it's another thing to mourn the loss of.  I know that breastmilk is what is best, but I also know that a happy mommy equals a happy baby.  I just wish my body had worked right and this wouldn't have to be the decision I need to make.  But I am very proud that I have made it as long as I have.  The boy's official due date is this coming Saturday so on Sunday we finally get to start counting adjusted age.  I should have enough milk to get them to that point, if not beyond.  That is something to be proud of, I know.

We are settling in to somewhat of a routine with the boys.  They eat every three hours, pretty much on the dot.  Jacen usually lets us know when it's time.  If they're awake afterward we let them play on their activity mat or read and sing to them.  We need to be more diligent about tummy time, we're remembering to do it about once a day.  Although we snuggle the boys with them on our chest frequently and I know that counts too.  Today we made our first real venture into the great big world of germs.  We went to Target to pick up some essentials.  The boys and Andy did great, I was a bit of a worried mess.  Andy said I hid it well since he thought I did fine.  It did give me confidence to try taking them somewhere else sometime soon.

Their next pediatrician appointment is on Wednesday and they have an eye appointment the following monday.  I'm excited to finally meet one of my online friends that day.  She moved to our city over a month ago and we haven't had a chance to meet up yet.  She's due with a sweet little girl in July so I'm very excited to have a mommy friend!

Over all things are going wonderfully, we are so incredibly blessed and thankful.  Maybe one of these days I can get Andy to finally write another post.

The first 48

We have been home for a little over 48 hours now.  Time flies when you're having fun!  We have had moments of extreme joy and moments of anxiety and fear.  I think that's normal with newborns, let alone two month old preemie boys.

We left the hospital on Monday at a little after 3pm.  We were told that the vitamins the boys needed were available over the counter at any pharmacy so we decided to pick them up on our way home.  Two pharmacies later we headed home empty handed.  I was paranoid about the boys and their first care ride so I was wedged between them making sure they continued to breathe.  They did just fine and we all made it safely home.  The cats and Pixel greeted us at the door.  The cats were not too concerned and Pixel was interested.  We came back to our room, which Andy has dubbed "the battle station".  I have it set up to include almost everything we could need for the boys except for their fortified milk and bottles.  They each have their own pack n play with reversible napper/changer.  We fed them and settled them in.

The first 36 hours is a blur of sleeplessness, feedings, crying (the boys and me), and fun.  I have read to them from a series my dad read to me when I was little about a nodding man named Noddy.  Wow, that is a racist story!  I think I will change to reading to them from my books for now.  I've heard it's not so much what is read right now, just that they are read to.  They have also tried out their activity mat which they both enjoy.  Jacen particularly enjoys it, he loves to swing his arms at the dangling butterfly and send it flying.

This morning was their first pediatrician appointment.  I was so nervous!  We drove in our new Uplander (thank's Ron!) so I could sit in the back seat and watch the boys.  It's going to take awhile to get over the paranoia of not being able to see them.  They of course did just fine on the drive.  They are both up to 6lbs7oz and really comparable in all of their measurements.  The visit itself was very overwhelming with two boys.  Andy was handed a huge stack of paperwork to complete that took nearly the entire time.  I didn't think they were quite due for their two month shots but I was wrong.  It was awful!  Three shots in the thigh and a thing of liquid to drink.  Spencer cried the most awful cry where he didn't breathe for probably 30 seconds at least.  They have been very tired and not hungry since.  I got super worried when Jacen only ate 30mL instead of his normal 70mL but thankfully I have a wonderful support group of mom's who told me it's normal.  Being a preemie mom I think I worry more than I would have otherwise.  But honestly I'm not sure since I'm an anxious person by nature anyways.  Andy worries a lot too which isn't typical for him.  He's an amazing father.

Tonight my mom and dad brought Zoe back to us.  She has a blocked salivary gland and needed to see a specialist.  My mom was amazing enough to take her yesterday.  She unfortunately needs surgery which really worries me.  But tonight I'm able to snuggle with her again and give her belly rubs.  She's such a comfort!  She's not sure what to make of the boys yet.

Overall, at this very moment, I'm feeling pretty good.  My milk supply tanked so I'm working on ways to reestablish it until I'm able to work on breastfeeding more.  I think lack of sleep and worry didn't help matters so I'm trying to have the attitude that any breastmilk is better than none for my boys so I'm doing good no matter what.  Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't.  I'm also seriously trying to sleep when the boys sleep, even if it's only for 20 minutes.  I think I'm finally getting used to their noises which definitely helps.

I'm so thankful I have until July 15th to be with Andy and the boys!  I can't imagine leaving them right now and I know it will be so incredibly difficult then.  But I'm thankful I get the time now so I'm going to try to make every moment count.  This is a time we will miss one day when we look back and say they grew up so fast.

2 months old and coming home

Today Jacen and Spencer are 2 months old!  They are also finally coming home.  I can't believe this day has finally arrived.  We're as ready as we can be.  I'm a bundle of emotions, feeling like I'm going to cry every hour.  Honestly, I have cried almost every hour.  I can't believe we're getting to take our babies home!  I can't believe we're going to be 100% taking care of them.  I hope that we can be the best mom and dad that these boys need and deserve.

Rooming In

I am sitting in what feels like the millionth hospital room I have stayed in during the last two months.  But tonight I am insanely happy.  Next to me, sprawled out on the couch snoring, is Andy.  In front of me, sound asleep in their bassinets, are Jacen and Spencer!  We are rooming in which, in theory, is one of the last steps before taking our boys home.  It's been a whirlwind of a past week!

Just over a week ago I wrote about how frustrating feedings were since the boys didn't have the hang of it yet.  This past friday night our night nurse decided to try a new nipple on their bottles.  The nuk orthodontic nipple made a huge difference!  Spencer went from taking 10, 15, 20 mL per feeding to taking all 60 with no problems.  Jacen didn't show such a huge difference but still progressed.  By Sunday Andy and I asked the doctors if we could switch to an ad lib (on demand) feeding schedule since their wakeful times didn't seem to coincide with their feeding times.  To our surprise they got us another nesting room and we've been here since!  We did every feeding ourselves from Sunday at 2pm until today at noon.  Not much sleep happening here.  Jacen passed his carseat test yesterday and Spencer passed his today.  The doctor is a little concerned with Spencer's weight gain since it's not as much as he would like.  Today they decided it was time for us to room in.  The earliest Jacen will go home is Friday and Spencer a day or two after that.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up because something could still happen to keep us here longer.

But for now my boys are in front of me and they are monitor free!  Cue anxiety.  I keep checking to make sure they're breathing and every little grunt and sneeze is sending me to check on them.  I'm hoping by the end of tonight I'll have less anxiety.  I need to sleep sometime!  But these two little boys are so incredibly precious and I'm so scared I won't do a good job at being their mommy.  I think Andy and I might take shifts being awake and keeping an eye on them, at least for tonight.

It's been such a long journey to get here.  One year and five days ago I began chronicling it at my original blog Hoping For Baby Graham.  What an amazing year it has been!  We have had our struggles but we have also been so incredibly blessed.  I am so thankful for all that we have and can't wait to see what the next year has in store for us.

The home stretch

I didn't believe it when the NICU nurses and doctors said that the journey would continue to get more frustrating as time went on.  They said the end is almost always the worst.  We have now been at the hospital every day for 58 straight days, 48 of them spent in the NICU.  Our boys are doing fantastic and we are so incredibly ready to bring them home.  We know it will be tough but we can't wait.  That's why this home stretch is so tough.

Jacen is up to 5lbs7oz and Spencer is 5lbs6oz.  They have come a long way from their 2lb13oz and 3lb3oz little selfs!  They are maintaining their temperatures perfectly, not having episodes of apnea or bradycardia, and steadily gaining weight.  The one thing they're not yet doing?  Finishing all their meals on their own without needing the feeding tube.  It doesn't help that their feeds went from 48mL of fortified breastmilk every 3 hours last week to 56mL and 58mL of pure breastmilk this week.  That's a big increase!  Andy and I know they will get there, and we are so proud of all that they have accomplished, but it's tough not to be frustrated.  We keep reminding ourselves that this isn't going to happen in our time.  We've trusted God's perfect timing up to now we need to stop second guessing him.

Breastfeeding is so far a bust and has me frustrated as well.  I weigh them before and after since 1gram supposedly equals 1mL of intake.  Both boys latch really well but then tend to fall asleep.  I love that they find me so comfortable and comforting but I need to figure out a way to keep them awake for their 30 minute meal time.  Yesterday Jacen latched perfectly and did a really good job sucking, I was so proud!  Unfortunately when I picked him up I found that the boppy was totally soaked.  The little stinker had sucked in the milk and then promptly drooled most of it out.  After 20 minutes of great breastfeeding he only actually ingested 2mL.  I have such mixed emotions about breastfeeding right now.  I desperately want to be able to do it and for it to be a success, but I also feel like it's hurting their ability to go home when they can usually take at least 1/3 of a bottle.  The lactation consultant and one of the doctors keep encouraging me to continue and I think I will.  I've been told if we exclusively bottle feed at this age there is a decent chance they would refuse to breastfeed once we get home.

I know that in a few weeks when the boys are home and we've established yet another new normal that this time will seem like it flew by.  I'm doing my best to just live in the moment and cherish every second with our precious boys.

Isolation and mourning

Are you ready for some more 3am deep thoughts?  This will probably be even more rambling than normal due to the early hour and sleep deprivation.

I had a sad day yesterday.  Most days I'm able to have a sad moment or two and then move on.  Spending time with my boys is the highlight of my world and I'm so thankful they're doing as well as they are.  They're both up to 4lbs10oz and slowly getting the hang of eating.  I'm thankful for every day the doctors say, "no real update" or call them "boring" since that means they're doing good.  But being a preemie mom is incredibly isolating.

Yesterday marked one year since my beloved Grandpa passed away.  I remember telling my mom last year that next we wouldn't spend Mother's Day in the hospital.  Guess what?  We will be spending it in the hospital after all.  It'll be a much happier occasion but it's still not what I had hoped.  I know it's not what anyone hoped.

When I first went into preterm labor I went into my tough girl stubborn mode.  I told friends and family that I was okay, that we didn't need anything.  That was really a lie.  We needed love and support and we got it.  I had so many friends visit us in the hospital and so many people call, text, email, and message me on facebook.  But as time has passed that obvious support has waned.  I can't blame anyone but myself since I keep telling people I'm fine.  Why should anyone think I'm a liar?  I know people are silently supporting us.

But it's also difficult now because most times people want to know when the boys are coming home, or when they can meet them, or when we can take them out once they're home.  The truth is that we don't know.  We really hope our boys will be home by the end of the month but even then our challenges don't end.  Our boys were born 10 and a half weeks early and that doesn't change once they're released from NICU.  We won't get to be normal parents for a long time.  We have been told that even a simple cold is likely to result in them returning to the hospital within their first year of life.  So we won't be able to go to anything where there are large gatherings of people.  That includes taking them to my work, taking them to library story times, visiting Andy's Grandma at her home, even going to the grocery store or mall will present danger.  I know we are going to get called over protective, I know people don't understand.  I would not have understood before.  But it is what it is and the health of our boys is what is most important.

Being pregnant with the boys was isolating because I was tired all the time, I was large, and I couldn't do a lot of the things I used to do.  But being a preemie mom is even more isolating.  I'm dedicated to breastmilk feeding so I continue to pump every three hours around the clock.  This essentially means that every three hours I need to be either at home or at the NICU where a hospital grade pump is available.  I bought a regular electric pump but after trying it yesterday it's obvious the NICU's lactation consultant is right, it just doesn't have the same pumping ability.  So for the sake of my supply I need to continue using the huge hospital grade pump.  I have to pump at least eight times a day for 30 minutes.  That adds up to four and a half hours in a day.  Eight hours a day I am at the NICU working with the boys on bottle and breast feeding, and bonding with them.  Between the 11pm and 11am pumpings I attempt to get a little bit of sleep.  There is very little time for anything else.  But I miss my friends, I miss our family.  Heck, I miss spending regular time with Andy.

I even feel somewhat isolated from my babies right now since the most important thing is for them to continue to grow.  A sleeping baby is a growing baby.  So we really only hold them, touch them, love on them while we're working on feeding them.  I know things will improve drastically once the boys are home.  It will still be difficult, I know, but so much better.  I can't wait until I can snuggle with them throughout the day instead of just at feeding times!

In summary, this sucks.  I've been trying to avoid saying or thinking it since I was worried it would make me ungrateful for how well my boys are doing.  But the NICU support group I attended on Tuesday helped me realize that this sucks and it is 100% okay to feel that way.  I need to mourn the loss of a normal pregnancy and I need to learn to reach out for the support that I need.  Even though the boys are doing well it still is a loss.  I didn't get to have the excited family in the waiting room anxiously awaiting their arrival, I didn't get to have an intervention free birth, I didn't get to do skin to skin time or attempt to breast feed at birth (heck, I didn't get to hold Jacen for 9 days and Spencer for 10), I didn't get to happily leave the hospital with them when I was discharged.  It sucks it sucks it sucks!  I miss feeling them move inside me and it makes me so sad and angry that we were robbed of that time together.  I have so much guilt even though I know all of this is out of my control and that God has a plan.

I hate that yet again I have issues with pregnancy.  After our miscarriage and subsequent infertility I struggled with seeing a pregnant woman.  I told myself that everyone has a story and I didn't know theirs.  But it stung that so many women were able to get and stay pregnant.  Now here I am with similar feelings again.  I mourn the loss of my third trimester and all the normal annoyances associated with it.  As ridiculous as it is I mourn not getting to take the glucose test.  I actually cried last week when a friend mentioned taking it because I never got to.  I realize the drink is nasty, but it's normal.  I didn't get that.

We're finding a new normal but I think it's still okay to be sad sometimes.  I'm just trying to focus of the positives 95% of the time, there really are a lot of them.  I am so blessed to have two beautiful growing boys!  I know that things will get better.

One month old!

Our boys are now one month old.  It's still surreal that an entire month has passed since they were born.  It's been an eventful month!  We are so thankful both boys are doing fantastic.  We couldn't ask for anything more, except that they continue to grow and get to come home soon.

As of his one month birthday Jacen is up to 4lbs2oz!  He is still anemic but we're all hopeful he won't need a transfusion.  He is on iron and sodium supplements.  He is currently eating 38mL of fortified breast milk every 3 hours.  Most of that is through his feeding tube but he is starting to suck from the bottle and breast.  Hopefully in the next week or two he'll begin taking more and more of his feedings from us.  Jacen is definitely our chill little cuddle buddy.  He doesn't get too upset most of the time and loves skin to skin time.  He was not a fan of his one month pictures though!

Spencer is up to 4lbs4oz!  He does not have to take the supplements his brother does and is currently eating 40mL of fortified breast milk every 3 hours.  He is taking most of his feedings through the tube but it working on bottle and breast too.  Spencer is our little drama king.  We joke that he has an on/off switch because he goes from happy to upset back to happy in quick progression.  He has a high pitched cry that makes us laugh every time we hear it because we know he's just complaining and is fine.  He's also our little cuddle buddy though since he always calms down when held by mom or dad.

We are so very blessed!  We're very hopeful that the boys might be ready to come home by the end of the month.  In order to do so they must be maintaining their own body temperature in an open crib (moving to one in a few days), eating all 8 meals from bottle or breast, gaining weight, not having any episodes of apnea or bradycardia, and pass their car seat tests.  

We're busy getting ready for them to come home and visiting them in the NICU.  Between pumping 4.5 hours a day, at least a 30 minute commute to the hospital each way, being at the hospital for about 8 hours a day, eating, sleeping, showering etc there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day!  But we're managing and seem to have found our "normal" for now.  I just can't wait for the boys to be able to come home.  I know it's going to be challenging being 100% responsible for their care but I am so incredibly ready!  

3 weeks old!

Those who say children grow up in the blink of an eye don't lie!  I can't believe our boys are already 3 weeks old!  I feel like I've been in a bit of a time warp for the past month.  10 days on hospital bedrest and then two boys in NICU will do that to you, I guess.

Jacen and Spencer are kick butt kiddos and we are so incredibly proud of them!  Jacen is up to 3lbs8oz and Spencer is 3lbs9oz.  They were able to come off of their CPAPs on Saturday and are now on nasal canulas.  Both boys have taken them out a few times and their oxygen levels have remained great so it's probably just a matter of time before they're on room air only.  They seem so much happier and more comfortable since the CPAP was removed.  They're both opening their eyes a lot more and really seem to be starting to take everything in.  On Sunday they got to start wearing clothes which was very exciting.  Jacen wore a brown onsie that said "Handsome like daddy" on it and a blue crocheted hat that Andy's grandma got for them.  Spencer wore a green onsie with a few zoo animals on the front and a monkey hat.  They looked so cute!

Another huge milestone reached is that they now get to attempt non-nutritive sucking at the breast.  This means I pump immediately before holding them and they get to play around and attempt to latch.  Any milk they get would be very minuscule after pumping.  They're both doing a great job!  This is one of the many steps before they get to attempt a bottle feed and then eventually breast feeding.  It's also great for bonding and for my milk production.

For the past several days Andy and I have each been able to hold both boys every day.  I love that!  I have to admit that Daddy is so far much better at some things than I am.  Andy is great at just jumping in and trying something.  He gave Spencer a bath independently two days ago, he's figured out the wires and how best to put a onsie on, and he is able to comfort them really well.  Sitting in our little corner of NICU with me holding one boy and Andy the other, I am honestly the happiest I have ever been.  I didn't know I was capable of loving this much.  I can't wait until we all get to go home together!

How we spend our days

Several different people have responded with surprise when Andy and I have expressed how we feel like there is never enough time in the day.  Sure, our boys are being cared for in the NICU but that doesn't mean we sit around bored all day.  So here is a look at my typical day:

12-1:50am Hopefully sleeping

1:50-3am Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts

3-4:50am Hopefully sleeping

4:50-6am Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts

6-7:50am Hopefully sleeping

7:50-9am Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts

9-10am Visiting the boys, getting updates from the doctors and nurses

10-10:50am Eating breakfast, sending the daily e-mail to family, maybe sleeping

10:50am-12pm Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts

12-1pm Taking a shower, eating lunch or a snack

1-2:30pm Kangaroo care time with the boys

2:30-3pm Pumping in NICU

3-3:30pm Spending time with the boys, comforting them if they're upset

3:30-4pm Washing pump parts

4-4:50pm Resting

4:50-6pm Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts

6-7:50pm Eating dinner, relaxing

7:50-9pm Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts

9-10:50pm Spending time with the boys, maybe bath time

10:50pm-12am Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts

Lather, rinse, repeat.  This schedule is totally changed when someone comes to visit, Andy and I go home to take care of some things, or we have a support group meeting.  Pumping really is a full time job but I'm thankful I'm able to provide Jacen and Spencer with so much of their daily food. 

The boys are doing great.  Jacen might need a blood transfusion next week which scares me a little.  But I know if it's needed then I'll be happy he's getting it.  Both boys will hopefully be switched from CPAP to nasal canulas tomorrow.  I'm so excited for that!  It'll open up a lot more opportunities for us to be hands on with their care.  Tomorrow they will be two weeks and three days old, or 32w gestation.  That's a big gestational milestone for them to finally reach!  They might even get to try to bottle feed within the next week or two.  I'm not sure they're ready for it, but they are showing a lot of signs that they're getting there.  All of a sudden they absolutely love their pacifiers and are beginning to wake before feeding times.  Hopefully it's only good news from here on out!

Deep thoughts for 2am

Yesterday I was sad.  I was angry, bitter, hurt.  I struggled with the question again of why do bad things happen to good people?  I struggled with why us?

Our boys are doing fantastic overall.  I am so in love with them and so proud of them!  I try not to take any of it for granted because I know that we are very blessed.  We were told yesterday afternoon that Jacen is anemic and might need a blood transfusion within a week.  It sounds so scary!  But all things considered our boys have already faced worse.  I have faith that our sweet little boy will either overcome the anemia on his own (with the help of iron supplements) or need one transfusion and be all better.  I have to have faith.

Reading a blog post written by a woman from church I ended up in tears tonight.  It was exactly the message I needed to hear because I was struggling.  She is doing a bible study that focuses on finding God's influence in your life, the first of which is finding Him within your first 6 years of life.  Reading her honest story made me realize something.  How can I say that I believe in God, that I trust in his perfect timing, yet I question it at every turn?  Where is the faith in that?  Am I so fickle in my faith that whenever something goes not according to my plan I question His?

It's been a tough road to get here.  We experienced a miscarriage of our first pregnancy, then infertility, then premature labor and birth of our twin boys.  Yesterday I questioned the why of it.  But I already know, at least in part, the why.  I've detailed in another post on my old blog my journey of faith.  Had we not struggled in early 2011 I'm honestly not sure I would have chosen to continue attending our church, I'm not sure I would have been ready.  But I needed to hear the messages that the pastor spoke, it seemed like he was speaking directly to me.  I was finally ready to hear them and to begin to slowly understand God and His influence in my life.  It's remained that way and it's nearing a year since I joined and was baptized.  We have experienced the love and family that our church has for others in the way so many have reached out to us with offers of prayer and assistance.  We're not alone.

I don't know why God decided it was time for our boys to be born at only 29w4d.  I don't know why their start at life has not been a simple one.  But I have to believe there is a greater purpose behind it.  I believe he is watching over them and helping them daily.  I have to remember that I don't need to know why I just need to know that He is there watching over us.  His ways are not our ways.

These thoughts are pretty deep for a 2am pumping session but they were on my mind.  I'm not going to say that I won't have weak moments going forward.  I will definitely cry at points but I have to remember that God is listening to our prayers even if He is the one who decides which to answer and why.

Kangaroo care

Kangaroo care time is amazing, even better than I expected it to be.  For those of you unfamiliar with the term it's when preemie babies are first finally able to be held skin to skin.  They are placed on the mom/dad's chest and abdomen in contact with skin and left for about an hour to begin with.  It's really good for both the parent and the baby.

On Thursday I got to hold Jacen for the first time.  He was a little fussy to begin with but settled down so quickly.  He seemed to enjoy the contact and I most definitely did.  Even though I was uncomfortable in the chair and a little scared to do something wrong, that first hour flew by.

I look exhausted but I'm so incredibly happy too.

Yesterday I got to hold Spencer for the first time and Andy got to hold Jacen.  Spencer was so much more calm than Jacen and just snuggled close the entire time.  Andy absolutely loved getting to hold Jacen.  I could hear him singing oldies to our son and it really looked like Jacen enjoyed them.  Andy used to sing to my belly so I'm sure Jacen recognized his daddy's voice.

We are definitely looking forward to this time on a daily basis now!  I can't get enough of our boys.

I also made a bump progression collage the other day, it was neat to see how my belly size progressed over time.

I still wish I had gotten to carry them for longer, but I am so happy with the progress they are making every single day in the NICU.  I know everything happened the way it should have, so I'm beginning to come to peace with it.  Thankfully the kangaroo care time is helping!  I feel like I can actually do something for my boys now, which helps alleviate some of the guilt (irrational or not) that I feel.  I can't wait to hold them again tomorrow!

Jacen and Spencer are one week old!

I cannot believe our boys are already a week old!  Time has flown by in a complete blur.  Thankfully we have had mostly good days and mostly good news.  I fall more madly in love with our boys every single day.  Jacen and Spencer are definitely showing more of their personalities as days go by.  It's so fun to watch them develop!

Jacen is almost back to his birth weight, this morning he weighed 2lbs12oz.  Today he received 16mL of milk every three hours with fortifier added to it.  He was pretty cranky and tough to console today so they think they might slow down on his feed increases for a day or two since it might be making his tummy hurt.  He should get his belly button line out tomorrow which means we should be able to start kangaroo care!  Being able to hold our sons will help all of us tremendously.  His bilirubin remained stable so he is hopefully done with phototherapy for good.  He continues to breathe room air through the CPAP.

Spencer is almost back to his birth weight as well, this morning he weighed 3lbs even.  He received 15mL of milk every three hours today.  He was having a lot of residuals so they might slow down on his feed increases as well.  He is also breathing room air through CPAP.  His bilirubin was within normal ranges so he got taken off of the phototherapy this morning.  It was so exciting to see more of his precious face again!   Tomorrow both boys will be getting an ultrasound of their brains.  We're praying it shows no bleeding whatsoever!

I'm doing much better today.  Every other day I seem to be very sleep deprived and sad, I think the two definitely go hand in hand.  I didn't get to take any naps today so tomorrow might be another one of those days, but I'm going to try to rest as much as possible.  My milk continues to come in nicely.  I had a meeting with the lactation consultant at the hospital and she gave me a lot of good tricks and tips.  She refused to give me any numbers of what I "should" be pumping right now, just said that it should increase a little every day for the most part.  So far it has so I guess I'm right on track!  The first full day of pumping I managed 7.1mL, today with one pump session left I'm at 171mL!

Andy and I took one week photos of the boys tonight but afterwards he went night fishing and took the camera with him.  One of us will probably post the photos soon.  Andy continues to be amazing.  I was pumping in the NICU this evening and Jacen was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum.  It was beautiful to watch Andy try to comfort him.  I can tell he loves our sons so much and it makes my heart so happy.  I might struggle at times with the way everything happened and that my boys require a long NICU stay, but seeing Andy with the boys helps remind me that God knows what he is doing.  At the time I didn't understand our loss, I didn't understand why God would give us a child then take it away so quickly.  Now I think it's because we were meant to take that road, we were meant to struggle to conceive, we were meant to find our RE, to take the medication, to conceive our boys, and ultimately I was meant to deliver them early.  Maybe this is his way of helping me be less of a control freak, who knows.  All I know is I need to remember that God has perfect timing.  I am so thankful for all that we have!

Never enough time in the day

The boys are six days old!  It's so hard to believe that it's been 16 days since this all began and 6 since I had them.  The time has passed in such a blur.

I'm really struggling with the fact that there just is never enough time in the day.  Between pumping every three hours, sleeping, eating, and seeing the boys I feel like something has to be sacrificed.  Sleep remains it, although I'm trying to be better.  Yesterday I bought a hands free pumping bra and that has already been a fantastic purchase.  It's seriously the best thing I've bought this year, probably in several years.  That means Andy is now getting mostly full nights of sleep.  I know if he could pump instead of me he gladly would, but he can't.

Today we had a little scare with my blood pressure.  My feet began to swell a little on saturday and yesterday it surpassed the swelling after my lap.  My OB's nurse had me go to the grocery store to check my blood pressure and it was elevated (for me) to 125/85.  I got very little sleep last night and this morning my feet were even more swollen.  We went upstairs and sat with the boys for about an hour waiting for the doctors and the entire care team to do rounds.  The boys are continuing to do well, thank goodness.

When we got back to the room I didn't feel well.  My head was hurting, I felt a weird pain in my stomach, and my chest felt a little pressure.  We went back to the grocery store and my blood pressure was elevated to 143/85.  I called my OB and we got in immediately.  Oddly enough my blood pressure in office was much closer to normal, even though it was taken only about 20 minutes later.  I don't have protein in my urine and I'm waiting to hear back about my labs that were drawn.  For now the OB thinks I'm just exhausted and hormonal, the swelling is probably within the normal ranges.  I was instructed to lay flat as much as possible in the next few days to help reduce the swelling.  This of course cuts into my time that I get to spend with Jacen and Spencer, but I'm going to try to focus on getting sleep in between pumpings.

If all goes according to plan we should get to start kangaroo care on friday, so I want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible.  That will begin the time that really matters with our visits.  But every second matters to me, even now.  I need to bond with my babies and to know that they're okay.  Someone can tell me a million times that they are but I won't truly feel it until I see for myself.

This sucks.

Emotional Rollercoaster

To say that we have been on an emotional rollercoaster for two weeks now does not even begin to cover it.  I'm still somewhat in shock that everything happened the way it did.  I'm also extremely sleep deprived, so that doesn't help.

Jacen and Spencer are doing well over all, although it's terrifying to have them in the NICU.  I hate that I can't be with them every second anymore.  I wasn't ready to not be pregnant with them anymore.  I miss feeling their kicks and hiccups inside of me.  I miss being able to poke at my belly and getting a reassuring kick that says, "I'm okay mom, I'm here".  I know that we are so incredibly lucky that they are doing as well as they are and that I got to be pregnant for as long as I did, I promise I'm not taking those things for granted.  But I'm mad.  I know I shouldn't blame myself, my body, but it's incredibly hard not to.  There was no infection, no reason for me to go into labor, except that my body thought it was ready since there were 6lbs of babies in me.  My body just didn't realize that there were two precious babies, not just one.  Every time we visit them in NICU my heart feels simultaneously like it's breaking into a million pieces for all that they're going through, and like it's going to burst from love and pride for them.

Jacen, our sweet firstborn son, is currently on a C-PAP ranging in the 21-40% range (21% is room air).  While doing a belly button line (for blood draws, IVs etc) a little air escaped in and found it's way to his lungs.  On Thursday we were warned that the pneumothorax might require scary interventions like putting a needle into his lungs to withdraw air or even a chest tube.  Since we can't be there 24/7 we were also told that they will make the best medical decision for him and then let us know after the fact.  So any phone call puts me on edge thinking it might be them.  As of last night's chest x-ray the pneumothorax had resolved itself!  Jacen is looking a lot more comfortable and is eating like a champ.  They currently have him receiving 4mL every three hours through feeding tube.

Spencer, although still bigger, has had more problems with his lungs.  He is currently on a ventilator but is thankfully breathing at 21%,  They're slowly decreasing the pressure and he might get switched to C-PAP at some point today.  He is not tolerating feeds very well yet.  He's currently receiving 2mL every four hours but most of them he's not digesting.  They don't seem overly worried about it so I'm trying not to be.

Both boys have elevated bilirubin so they're receiving phototherapy.  Jacen is under a lamp that looks like a spotlight while Spencer is under the neat looking blue lights.  We were told there isn't a difference it's just whichever was available at the time.  The NICU doctors will be doing a CT scan of their brains on thursday and if all looks good we might be able to begin kangaroo care next friday!  I cannot wait until they're well enough for us to hold them!

I'm pretty much an emotional mess right now.  I'm hoping it's due to fluctuating hormones and my breast milk coming in, not due to post partum depression or anxiety.  Andy and I will be keeping a very close eye on it, especially since I'm already prone to anxiety.  Sleep deprivation doesn't help, but I'm pumping every three hours so it's pretty much inevitable.  I have a difficult time going to back to sleep between pumps even though I'm beyond exhausted.  I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time since monday evening/tuesday morning.  I'm also in a lot of pain from my second degree tear.  I pretty much hurt like I did after the lap in September, it's just in a different place.  Ouch!

I really need to learn to sleep right after pumping.  If I lay down and turn on the lights now I could get an hour.  Doesn't seem worth it but I know that'll make a huge difference to me in the long run.

Jacen and Spencer's very long birth story

***Warning:  This might get a little graphic at times and some points are a little blurry in my mind***

Parenthood is definitely already showing us that we are no longer in control and things do not always go according to plan.

On tuesday, 4/3, the boys did great on the NST but it was noted that I was having lots of small contractions. The nurse spoke with the OB on call and they decided since I wasn't feeling them I wasn't in labor my uterus was just being extra "irritable".  I was told to pay attention and if I started to experience pain to let them know.  I had been on the monitors for over two hours but hadn't felt anything at the point so I tried to relax.  Andy had gone home to check on the kitties and when he got back I mentioned I was feeling a few contractions an hour but they were feeling a little different, not painful, but different.  I took a shower thinking it would relax me.

My dad showed up to visit at around 4pm and I continued to monitor them and told them both that I was probably going to become that mom that cries wolf every day and it was probably nothing.  I mentioned it to the nurse and she said if I had another one to let her know.  We waited it out and about three contractions later (yeah, I know) I was positive they felt different.  Instead of the hardness beginning at my sides and moving in to the center/top of my belly it felt like I was first feeling it low then my belly would gradually get hard.  My nurse hooked me up to the monitors again and in about 10 minutes came in to say she had placed a call to the OB on call and she was going to come check to see if I was further dilated.  It was incredibly scary because at that point I was almost positive I was in active labor again but was praying it would somehow stop or they could give me something else to make it stop.

The OB on call showed up, checked me, and I was already dilated to 4+/5cm, 90% effaced, and having semi frequent productive contractions.  I am my mother's daughter and I think the first words out of my mouth were "oh shit" and then I cried more.  We were told there was nothing they could do to stop labor at this point and I would likely deliver that night at 29w3d.  Andy had to quickly pack up the room and follow me back to an L&D room (we had moved to antepartum that morning) where the nurses started me on an IV line with fluids and the OB told me I needed an epidural soon.

I originally wanted a medication free birth at a local birthing center with a midwife so the idea of an epidural has always felt wrong to me.  But I knew with twins it was a necessity and not a choice but I wanted to delay the inevitable for as long as possible.  The OB was a little surprised/skeptical but said that was fine.

They ask you to rate your pain 0-10 with 10 being the worst pain ever imaginable.  At the worst I told them my contractions were a 2 but in all honestly they remained uncomfortable not really painful.  I had to take a deep breath when they occurred and wasn't able to talk but it was mainly due to the intensity of the feeling not pain.  In the beginning I progressed 1cm per every 1-2 hours so the OB again reiterated that we would likely deliver that night or early the next morning.  My contractions never really picked up so I stalled out a little bit at around 7cm dilated (I think, my memory at this point is hazy).  They made me get the epidural at about 11:30pm and it wasn't as awful as I had imagined for years.  I almost passed out afterwards but lying down helped immensely and I didn't.

At 12am it was officially Andy's 26th birthday and five years to the day since he proposed to me.  We tried to make jokes about how he was going to be 25 forever since the day will always be about the boys and not him in the future.  We were both scared.  I labored slowly for the rest of the night.  The numbness of my legs made me anxious and uncomfortable so I wasn't able to sleep for more than 5 minutes or so at a time.  Andy was able to sleep a little but I know it wasn't really restful.  Every time I got a dose of the epidural I would get very shivery and at first I thought it was an anxiety response because every time Andy would hold my hands and talk to me it would calm down immediately.  I now think it was a combination of the coldness of the medicine entering my blood stream, hormones, and anxiety.

By 5:30am I think I was stalled at 8cm dilated and still 90% effaced so the OB convinced me to allow her to break Righty's water in hopes of progressing more quickly.  The OB on call was okay with me progressing naturally since both boys were perfect on the monitors with very little reaction to labor.  They were happy campers inside, my body was just confused and thought it was time.  I was scared for each intervention since in my mind I knew with each one it became more likely a c-section would be necessary.  But I also knew at that point that without the interventions a c-section was becoming more likely.  My labor didn't progress as much as we had all hoped and at 6:30am they convinced me pitocin

Around 7am my OB came to visit and take over.  She immediately said if things didn't start progressing soon a c-section would be necessary.  Andy and I finally began to tell the boys that it was time for them to come into the world, even though we wanted them to have every second of advantage due to growth in me.  On the pitocin my contractions began to speed up slowly but didn't become consistent for awhile.  At around 8:30am I think I was checked again and was at 9cm and almost 100% dilated with Righty at a +1 station.  Pitococin was upped again and pretty quickly the contractions became stronger and more frequent.  I was told to let them know if I started to feel a certain type of pressure.

As we were waiting a woman from church, who is also a chaplain at our hospital, came in to say a prayer with/for us.  I honestly feel that this was the final thing needed before the boys were ready to be born since during her prayer I began to feel the pressure.  After she left I told the nurse and my OB came to check me and agreed that it was go time.  We did several practice pushes in the L&D room before the nurse and OB agreed that it was time to go for real.

Andy got to put on a handsome blue OR gown and I got to put a surgical cap on my head just in case.  They wheeled me into the OR and there were so many people there, I don't even know how many.  At first I lost my "rhythm" of pushing since there were so many people and no one was coaching me very well.  It vaguely reminded me of when we were doing the gonal-f injections to try to conceive our boys in the first place.  I would go blank under the pressure unless someone told me exactly what to do.  Once a nurse began to tell me, "Deep breath in, hold it, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, let out the breath, take another deep one, hold it" etc three times each contraction things went so much better.

Andy was amazing and coached me the whole time too.  He helped in the L&D room and in the OR.  I couldn't have done it without him!  He encouraged me, told me I was doing great, reminded me to hold my breath when pushing etc.  I'm always so amazed that I can continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with him.  It already seems like my heart is so full of love for him, but during delivery I fell even further in love.  He is my partner in every sense of the word, even when it came to bringing out precious boys into the world.  I've heard other women get annoyed with their partners during delivery but I was so incredibly thankful to have him there for support.

I'm not sure how many pushes it took but Jacen (Righty/baby A) was born at 10:01am weighing 2lbs13oz.  Before the cord was cut by Andy (he's a rock star!) they placed Jacen on my abdomen and I got to say hi to my first born son.  It was absolutely incredible.  He was small but not too small and so perfect.  He already had some dark hair on his head and gave a few little cries before the OB picked him up and let Andy cut his cord.  I think at that point the NICU nurses/doctors grabbed him and began to do their work. His first apgars were 7 and 8 which is pretty darn good for a baby born at 29w4d!

My OB then broke Spencer's water and helped to flip him the right way.  I won't go into detail but that was definitely painful despite the epidural!  I'm not sure how many pushes later but it seemed like in no time at all Spencer (Lefty, baby B) was born at 10:14am weighing 3lbs3oz.  His first apgars were 8 and 9.  He was placed on me and I got to tell him happy birthday as he cried really strongly and loudly.  He too had his umbilical cord cut by Andy and then was taken by the NICU staff.  The OB and some nurses got to work finishing our birth.  Two easy placenta deliveries and two very painful stitches (2nd degree tear) later they brought Spencer by in an incubator already on a CPAP machine for us the see him for a minute before they followed Jacen up to NICU.  Andy went with him and was able to spend some time watching the boys get settled.

I was wheeled back to my L&D room to have the epidural removed and my battle wounds cared for.  It was all incredibly surreal.  I think I repeatedly said, "Oh my gosh, I have two sons".  Eventually I was ready to move to our post partum room and Andy came down to help move our stuff.  The nurse helped me into the wheelchair and then left to get something.  I started to get really light headed with tunnel vision, ringing ears etc.  Andy came and held onto me so if I passed out, which I came very very close to, I wouldn't fall out of the wheelchair.  The nurse came back and had me put my head down as close to between my knees as I was capable of.  Andy ran and got me a cup of apple juice and some graham crackers which I began to nibble on while still hanging semi upside down.  Everything cleared up fairly quickly, we think after not eating for almost 24 hours, laboring for so long, and delivering two babies that my blood sugar just crashed.  I seriously chugged a huge amount of apple juice during the next hour and ate some lunch.

Originally I was told that I would get to go to NICU to see the boys within two to three hours of birth, but my nurse would not approve it because of the nearly fainting episode.  Andy's dad and grandma showed up to celebrate his birthday (and now the birthday of our sons!) but I was very overwhelmed and anxious about everything.  I know I was awful company and cried several times.  My dad and then my mom showed up too.  I love them all very much but my system was on overload and Andy took them downstairs to eat cupcakes and celebrate so I could calm down and rest some.  I hope next time we see them I can make it up to them.

The rest of the day is somewhat of a blur except for my first pumping experience at 5pm (whole other story) and finally getting to go see the boys at 8:30pm.  Jacen was doing wonderfully and required very little oxygen through a CPAP.  Spencer, although bigger, has had a more difficult first day of life on the outside.  He's required almost double the oxygen as his older brother, and required a line through his umbilical cord to give him various fluids, medicines, and nutrition.  We've been told this is very typical for the B baby to struggle a little more than A.  The theory is that Jacen struggled a little more in the womb so he's struggling less now vs Spencer was probably less ready to come so he's struggling more now.  Hopefully they'll follow general preemie behavior and even out to a better baseline within three days.

Our boys are the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my whole life.  They are incredible and I can't believe that less than 24hours ago those munchkins were kicking inside of me.  It's still very surreal.  I miss being with them 24/7 and I miss the kicks.  But I'm so excited that they're here and doing so well.  I wish my body had done a better job and been able to nurture them inside for a lot longer, but I'm so proud of how well they are doing so far.

Andy and I are parents!  We have two amazing sons!  We have many weeks of NICU ahead of us but I already can't wait to bring them home.  I can't wait to be able to look at them and snuggle them whenever I want!  Our life is totally different now, it is so much better.  I can't believe how big and full my heart is, I love those two more than anything.  It's so incredible that they were born on such an already important day to us too.  Seriously, what are the odds?  I wish they had been able to get at least 4 more weeks inside of me but they sure did choose an amazing day to be born.  Happy birthday to my three favorite men!