But the NICU experience will never leave you. Let me preface this post by saying two things: First, I honestly feel like the most blessed woman ever. My husband is wonderful, he takes care of the boys and myself 24/7. Our boys continue to grow big, strong, and healthy. But none of that changes what I lost. Second, if I know you in real life and you are pregnant or have a baby around the age of my boys this post is in no way meant against you. I promise that you have done nothing wrong.
Whew! Now that thats out of the way I can safely begin. When our boys were in the NICU I honestly didn't think too much about what life on the outside would be like. I knew it would be better but I tried to avoid thinking about how being born nearly 11w early would effect them. I couldn't wait for them to be discharged and for us to leave the confines of the hospital, where I never truly felt like Mom. But the truth is that the NICU and preemie experience doesn't stop at discharge. I don't get the "typical" mom experience. I'm constantly watchful of developmental milestones, our boys have far more appointments than a "normal" baby, and germs terrify me.
Yesterday a coworker brought her son to visit, he was born full term one week after our boys were due. It was crazy to realize our boys should be that same age. Instead of being four and a half months old they should be nearly two. Watching her carefree attitude gave me pangs of sadness. Her baby was passed around to willing hands to be smothered in well meaning kisses. I nearly had a panic attack watching. At one point the baby dropped his pacifier and someone picked it up off the ground and gave it back without even wiping it off. All those germs! I will never get to be that mom. We've been told that any sickness in the first year has a high probability of landing them back in the NICU. I am stronger, stronger than I ever imagined, but I am not that strong. Another NICU stay would push me over the edge I sometimes feel I teeter on.
I continue to be envious of the women who get to "enjoy" their third trimester. I know it must be uncomfortable and they're eager to meet their baby but it's so frustrating to hear someone complain. I can't help but think that I would have loved to be that uncomfortable, I would have loved my back hurting and them kicking my ribs. I would have loved the anticipation prior to going into labor. Instead I spent the ten days prior to their birth terrified that they might not survive, or that they would have a complicated life.
I never realized how greatly this would change our lives. Andy and I both cry every time we see the GE commercial. Memories and fears come racing back. At work I cry when reading the hospital records of a premature baby. I cried yesterday telling a coworker that never getting to take the gestational diabetes test still bothers me. I cry a lot, but that's really not unusual for me. But now I'm hit out of the blue with memories and regrets. I dont get to be the mom I imagined I would be but I know that I'm the mom God intended me to be.
The path you walk isn't the one that you meant to take, but it will take you places you never imagined. You have every right to be feeling this way, experiences you fought hard for were taken away. It was reasonable to expect that finally having a healthy pregnancy, you would be able to relax and enjoy what lay ahead. I know you enjoy the boys, but the inability to relax must be exhausting. You, Andy and the boys are in my prayers. (((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom to twins is alone extremely difficult. But to throw in all that you have experienced to simply get your boys to be happy and healthy at almost 5 months old is simply amazing. I have said it before and I will say it again ... you are an inspiration! I very rarely comment on other blogs (a habit I am trying to break!) but I felt drawn to your blog after I read about all your were going through at the time you were in the hospital. You are a very strong woman and your boys are going to learn so much from you! I cannot imagine what it would be like to walk in your shoes over the last several months. Your family is always in our prayers.
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