Deep thoughts for 2am

Yesterday I was sad.  I was angry, bitter, hurt.  I struggled with the question again of why do bad things happen to good people?  I struggled with why us?

Our boys are doing fantastic overall.  I am so in love with them and so proud of them!  I try not to take any of it for granted because I know that we are very blessed.  We were told yesterday afternoon that Jacen is anemic and might need a blood transfusion within a week.  It sounds so scary!  But all things considered our boys have already faced worse.  I have faith that our sweet little boy will either overcome the anemia on his own (with the help of iron supplements) or need one transfusion and be all better.  I have to have faith.

Reading a blog post written by a woman from church I ended up in tears tonight.  It was exactly the message I needed to hear because I was struggling.  She is doing a bible study that focuses on finding God's influence in your life, the first of which is finding Him within your first 6 years of life.  Reading her honest story made me realize something.  How can I say that I believe in God, that I trust in his perfect timing, yet I question it at every turn?  Where is the faith in that?  Am I so fickle in my faith that whenever something goes not according to my plan I question His?

It's been a tough road to get here.  We experienced a miscarriage of our first pregnancy, then infertility, then premature labor and birth of our twin boys.  Yesterday I questioned the why of it.  But I already know, at least in part, the why.  I've detailed in another post on my old blog my journey of faith.  Had we not struggled in early 2011 I'm honestly not sure I would have chosen to continue attending our church, I'm not sure I would have been ready.  But I needed to hear the messages that the pastor spoke, it seemed like he was speaking directly to me.  I was finally ready to hear them and to begin to slowly understand God and His influence in my life.  It's remained that way and it's nearing a year since I joined and was baptized.  We have experienced the love and family that our church has for others in the way so many have reached out to us with offers of prayer and assistance.  We're not alone.

I don't know why God decided it was time for our boys to be born at only 29w4d.  I don't know why their start at life has not been a simple one.  But I have to believe there is a greater purpose behind it.  I believe he is watching over them and helping them daily.  I have to remember that I don't need to know why I just need to know that He is there watching over us.  His ways are not our ways.

These thoughts are pretty deep for a 2am pumping session but they were on my mind.  I'm not going to say that I won't have weak moments going forward.  I will definitely cry at points but I have to remember that God is listening to our prayers even if He is the one who decides which to answer and why.