Emotional Rollercoaster

To say that we have been on an emotional rollercoaster for two weeks now does not even begin to cover it.  I'm still somewhat in shock that everything happened the way it did.  I'm also extremely sleep deprived, so that doesn't help.

Jacen and Spencer are doing well over all, although it's terrifying to have them in the NICU.  I hate that I can't be with them every second anymore.  I wasn't ready to not be pregnant with them anymore.  I miss feeling their kicks and hiccups inside of me.  I miss being able to poke at my belly and getting a reassuring kick that says, "I'm okay mom, I'm here".  I know that we are so incredibly lucky that they are doing as well as they are and that I got to be pregnant for as long as I did, I promise I'm not taking those things for granted.  But I'm mad.  I know I shouldn't blame myself, my body, but it's incredibly hard not to.  There was no infection, no reason for me to go into labor, except that my body thought it was ready since there were 6lbs of babies in me.  My body just didn't realize that there were two precious babies, not just one.  Every time we visit them in NICU my heart feels simultaneously like it's breaking into a million pieces for all that they're going through, and like it's going to burst from love and pride for them.

Jacen, our sweet firstborn son, is currently on a C-PAP ranging in the 21-40% range (21% is room air).  While doing a belly button line (for blood draws, IVs etc) a little air escaped in and found it's way to his lungs.  On Thursday we were warned that the pneumothorax might require scary interventions like putting a needle into his lungs to withdraw air or even a chest tube.  Since we can't be there 24/7 we were also told that they will make the best medical decision for him and then let us know after the fact.  So any phone call puts me on edge thinking it might be them.  As of last night's chest x-ray the pneumothorax had resolved itself!  Jacen is looking a lot more comfortable and is eating like a champ.  They currently have him receiving 4mL every three hours through feeding tube.

Spencer, although still bigger, has had more problems with his lungs.  He is currently on a ventilator but is thankfully breathing at 21%,  They're slowly decreasing the pressure and he might get switched to C-PAP at some point today.  He is not tolerating feeds very well yet.  He's currently receiving 2mL every four hours but most of them he's not digesting.  They don't seem overly worried about it so I'm trying not to be.

Both boys have elevated bilirubin so they're receiving phototherapy.  Jacen is under a lamp that looks like a spotlight while Spencer is under the neat looking blue lights.  We were told there isn't a difference it's just whichever was available at the time.  The NICU doctors will be doing a CT scan of their brains on thursday and if all looks good we might be able to begin kangaroo care next friday!  I cannot wait until they're well enough for us to hold them!

I'm pretty much an emotional mess right now.  I'm hoping it's due to fluctuating hormones and my breast milk coming in, not due to post partum depression or anxiety.  Andy and I will be keeping a very close eye on it, especially since I'm already prone to anxiety.  Sleep deprivation doesn't help, but I'm pumping every three hours so it's pretty much inevitable.  I have a difficult time going to back to sleep between pumps even though I'm beyond exhausted.  I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time since monday evening/tuesday morning.  I'm also in a lot of pain from my second degree tear.  I pretty much hurt like I did after the lap in September, it's just in a different place.  Ouch!

I really need to learn to sleep right after pumping.  If I lay down and turn on the lights now I could get an hour.  Doesn't seem worth it but I know that'll make a huge difference to me in the long run.