The problem with our society

After a truly awful weekend of light bleeding and bad cramps I had my follow up ultrasound at 8am this morning.  It confirmed our baby passed away but that I had not yet officially miscarried.  Andy squeezed my hand as we chose another D&C.  I will forever be grateful to my new RE.  He went above and beyond for us so many times, including today when he rushed to schedule my surgery for 12:30pm.  We had time to run to the lab to get a CBC taken and time to run home to our boys for an hour, then it was time to get to the surgery center for preop.

Thank God for my parents and for my father in law.  They have been by our side through everything but especially in the past two days.  I am forever grateful for them willingly stepping in to care for the boys when I have been unable to.

The surgery went well.  They blew just one vein this time when trying to get the IV in.  It's an improvement so I will take it.  Only two bad things happened, besides the obvious, and I think they reflect exactly what is wrong with our society right now.

The first was that I had to sign off and agree that losing my baby was a "missed abortion" and an "incomplete abortion".  This is part of the stigma, folks.  Seriously.  This was NOT an abortion. I did not choose to end the life of my precious child, but in medical jargon it is lumped together with ending the life of an unwanted baby.  I am pro choice in theory, although I hate with all my heart that people would make that choice for their own good over adoption.  But I believe a woman has the right to doing with their own body as they see fit.  But lumping one loss in with another like this is so wrong.  No wonder women and families are ashamed to speak out when they suffer the loss of a wanted child.  Who wouldn't fear judgment when they are medically labeled an aborter, or better yet a "chronic aborter" like me.  Beautiful language.

Secondly, a nurse who meant well hugged me and told me that this is God's way of getting rid of the imperfect and He has promised that next time things will be perfect.  I'm religious, and although I can't help but want to yell "WHY?!" at the top of my lungs at Him, I mostly manage not to.  I know there is a purpose I don't yet, and may not ever understand.  But He did not take this life from me due to it being imperfect.  All life is imperfect.  This baby, no matter their chromosomes, was perfect.  He also has not promised that next time will be perfect, if there even is a next time.  It's been almost a year and a half since we lost Gavin due to triploidy XXY.  According to this women that means THIS baby should have been perfect, but they weren't.  I know she means well, but this is another example of what is wrong with our society.

The only acceptable things to say are "I am so sorry", "this isn't fair", "what can I do to help?", "I'm here for you", and "you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers".  Support is what a family needs, not anything that brings judgment on them, their loss, or potential future plans.

I'm sure I will make many people uncomfortable, but I'm not going to hide that this happened.  I need to focus on myself and my immediate family right now.  I can't worry about making others uncomfortable.  We lost a child.  Again.  We need to be allowed to grieve however we need to and that begins by ignoring the stigma that comes with miscarriage.  We did nothing wrong.

The stigma

I just read this and it really hit home, "I then realized that for me, the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to me is pretending that I lost nothing."  I hate the stigma of miscarriage and I hate that society expects me to put on a happy face and pretend my baby hasn't died.  My baby lived and I refuse to act like they never existed.  

It's over

My RE fit me in for an ultrasound and it was confirmed that I am miscarrying.  Baby measured 6w3d, a growth of two days and still had a heartbeat but it was very very slow.  It's torture knowing my baby is still alive but will for sure pass away.  Either I will miscarry naturally over this long weekend or I will have a D&C on Tuesday.  I'm praying I don't have to miscarry naturally.  I want the certainty of the D&C as well as the genetic results.  There are no words for how terrible this is.

I hate this

I woke up to bright red blood this morning.  It's Saturday so I'm probably going to have to suffer the unknown until Monday.  But bleeding has never been good for me.  I'm having flashbacks to our first loss, having to lay in the shower while the worst of it happened.  I don't want another D&C, but I prefer it to miscarrying on my own.  At least then I could know if this precious baby is a boy or girl and WHY the fuck this happened.  God, I know you have a plan but I really don't know why breaking our hearts is part of it.

I fully realize I shouldn't jump to thinking I'm miscarrying, but it's self preservation.  This was all too good to be true.  People like us don't get to be infertility cliches.  We were blessed doubly once before and apparently that's it for us.

Limbo Land

Here we are again, the place I desperately hate: Limbo.  Baby measured 6w1d and has a heartbeat of 113 bpm.  I should be thrilled and part of me is.  But part of me feels like this is déjà vu.  Our baby is measuring a few days behind my LMP (and further from my guess O date) and the gestational sac looked small to me.  The radiographer and nurse were both cautiously optimistic so I am trying to be too.  Logically I know that our past experiences do not determine our current, but it's so hard.  We will know more in two weeks.  Please please please grow, little one!  Please be strong and healthy!

Good news!

1,425 which is a doubling time of 38.76 hours!  I'm in shock and so thrilled.  And terrified.  Grow baby, grow!