Weaning from the pump

I hope writing this will be cathartic for me.  I really need a cathartic release to make me be fully happy with this decision.  Although in reality there wasn't much to decide.

With the help of Andy I have decided to wean off the pump and give up on my dreams of breastfeeding the boys.  The reality is that in order to barely pump enough for them, if even, I have been tied to a hospital grade pump for 4.5 hours a day for nearly ten weeks.  I've also been taking supplements every six hours for several weeks.  Now that they're home that is 4.5 hours I can spend snuggling with them or sleeping.  It's a schedule that will be absolutely impossible to maintain once I return to work in five weeks.  If I was able to try to exclusively breastfeed now I would, but I can't.  Since their weight gain hasn't been the greatest we have had to fortify my milk with neosure.  The pediatrician said that if their weight gain was good this Wednesday we could decrease the calories and if in two more weeks it's still good we could switch to exclusive breast milk. The reality is that that would give us just a little over two weeks to establish good breastfeeding before I have to return to work on July 16.  That's highly unlikely to happen even if my supply maintained itself.

I have already slowly started the weaning process.  I dropped down for eight 30 minute pumps to eight 25 minutes sessions.  Tuesday I will drop to 20 minutes for a few days.  It is just so incredibly difficult to give up on this.  It makes me feel like my body is failing us yet again and it's another thing to mourn the loss of.  I know that breastmilk is what is best, but I also know that a happy mommy equals a happy baby.  I just wish my body had worked right and this wouldn't have to be the decision I need to make.  But I am very proud that I have made it as long as I have.  The boy's official due date is this coming Saturday so on Sunday we finally get to start counting adjusted age.  I should have enough milk to get them to that point, if not beyond.  That is something to be proud of, I know.

We are settling in to somewhat of a routine with the boys.  They eat every three hours, pretty much on the dot.  Jacen usually lets us know when it's time.  If they're awake afterward we let them play on their activity mat or read and sing to them.  We need to be more diligent about tummy time, we're remembering to do it about once a day.  Although we snuggle the boys with them on our chest frequently and I know that counts too.  Today we made our first real venture into the great big world of germs.  We went to Target to pick up some essentials.  The boys and Andy did great, I was a bit of a worried mess.  Andy said I hid it well since he thought I did fine.  It did give me confidence to try taking them somewhere else sometime soon.

Their next pediatrician appointment is on Wednesday and they have an eye appointment the following monday.  I'm excited to finally meet one of my online friends that day.  She moved to our city over a month ago and we haven't had a chance to meet up yet.  She's due with a sweet little girl in July so I'm very excited to have a mommy friend!

Over all things are going wonderfully, we are so incredibly blessed and thankful.  Maybe one of these days I can get Andy to finally write another post.