Those who say children grow up in the blink of an eye don't lie! I can't believe our boys are already 3 weeks old! I feel like I've been in a bit of a time warp for the past month. 10 days on hospital bedrest and then two boys in NICU will do that to you, I guess.
Jacen and Spencer are kick butt kiddos and we are so incredibly proud of them! Jacen is up to 3lbs8oz and Spencer is 3lbs9oz. They were able to come off of their CPAPs on Saturday and are now on nasal canulas. Both boys have taken them out a few times and their oxygen levels have remained great so it's probably just a matter of time before they're on room air only. They seem so much happier and more comfortable since the CPAP was removed. They're both opening their eyes a lot more and really seem to be starting to take everything in. On Sunday they got to start wearing clothes which was very exciting. Jacen wore a brown onsie that said "Handsome like daddy" on it and a blue crocheted hat that Andy's grandma got for them. Spencer wore a green onsie with a few zoo animals on the front and a monkey hat. They looked so cute!
Another huge milestone reached is that they now get to attempt non-nutritive sucking at the breast. This means I pump immediately before holding them and they get to play around and attempt to latch. Any milk they get would be very minuscule after pumping. They're both doing a great job! This is one of the many steps before they get to attempt a bottle feed and then eventually breast feeding. It's also great for bonding and for my milk production.
For the past several days Andy and I have each been able to hold both boys every day. I love that! I have to admit that Daddy is so far much better at some things than I am. Andy is great at just jumping in and trying something. He gave Spencer a bath independently two days ago, he's figured out the wires and how best to put a onsie on, and he is able to comfort them really well. Sitting in our little corner of NICU with me holding one boy and Andy the other, I am honestly the happiest I have ever been. I didn't know I was capable of loving this much. I can't wait until we all get to go home together!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
How we spend our days
Several different people have responded with surprise when Andy and I have expressed how we feel like there is never enough time in the day. Sure, our boys are being cared for in the NICU but that doesn't mean we sit around bored all day. So here is a look at my typical day:
12-1:50am Hopefully sleeping
1:50-3am Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts
3-4:50am Hopefully sleeping
4:50-6am Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts
6-7:50am Hopefully sleeping
7:50-9am Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts
9-10am Visiting the boys, getting updates from the doctors and nurses
10-10:50am Eating breakfast, sending the daily e-mail to family, maybe sleeping
10:50am-12pm Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts
12-1pm Taking a shower, eating lunch or a snack
1-2:30pm Kangaroo care time with the boys
2:30-3pm Pumping in NICU
3-3:30pm Spending time with the boys, comforting them if they're upset
3:30-4pm Washing pump parts
4-4:50pm Resting
4:50-6pm Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts
6-7:50pm Eating dinner, relaxing
7:50-9pm Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts
9-10:50pm Spending time with the boys, maybe bath time
10:50pm-12am Drying pump parts, pumping, washing pump parts
Lather, rinse, repeat. This schedule is totally changed when someone comes to visit, Andy and I go home to take care of some things, or we have a support group meeting. Pumping really is a full time job but I'm thankful I'm able to provide Jacen and Spencer with so much of their daily food.
The boys are doing great. Jacen might need a blood transfusion next week which scares me a little. But I know if it's needed then I'll be happy he's getting it. Both boys will hopefully be switched from CPAP to nasal canulas tomorrow. I'm so excited for that! It'll open up a lot more opportunities for us to be hands on with their care. Tomorrow they will be two weeks and three days old, or 32w gestation. That's a big gestational milestone for them to finally reach! They might even get to try to bottle feed within the next week or two. I'm not sure they're ready for it, but they are showing a lot of signs that they're getting there. All of a sudden they absolutely love their pacifiers and are beginning to wake before feeding times. Hopefully it's only good news from here on out!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Deep thoughts for 2am
Yesterday I was sad. I was angry, bitter, hurt. I struggled with the question again of why do bad things happen to good people? I struggled with why us?
Our boys are doing fantastic overall. I am so in love with them and so proud of them! I try not to take any of it for granted because I know that we are very blessed. We were told yesterday afternoon that Jacen is anemic and might need a blood transfusion within a week. It sounds so scary! But all things considered our boys have already faced worse. I have faith that our sweet little boy will either overcome the anemia on his own (with the help of iron supplements) or need one transfusion and be all better. I have to have faith.
Reading a blog post written by a woman from church I ended up in tears tonight. It was exactly the message I needed to hear because I was struggling. She is doing a bible study that focuses on finding God's influence in your life, the first of which is finding Him within your first 6 years of life. Reading her honest story made me realize something. How can I say that I believe in God, that I trust in his perfect timing, yet I question it at every turn? Where is the faith in that? Am I so fickle in my faith that whenever something goes not according to my plan I question His?
It's been a tough road to get here. We experienced a miscarriage of our first pregnancy, then infertility, then premature labor and birth of our twin boys. Yesterday I questioned the why of it. But I already know, at least in part, the why. I've detailed in another post on my old blog my journey of faith. Had we not struggled in early 2011 I'm honestly not sure I would have chosen to continue attending our church, I'm not sure I would have been ready. But I needed to hear the messages that the pastor spoke, it seemed like he was speaking directly to me. I was finally ready to hear them and to begin to slowly understand God and His influence in my life. It's remained that way and it's nearing a year since I joined and was baptized. We have experienced the love and family that our church has for others in the way so many have reached out to us with offers of prayer and assistance. We're not alone.
I don't know why God decided it was time for our boys to be born at only 29w4d. I don't know why their start at life has not been a simple one. But I have to believe there is a greater purpose behind it. I believe he is watching over them and helping them daily. I have to remember that I don't need to know why I just need to know that He is there watching over us. His ways are not our ways.
These thoughts are pretty deep for a 2am pumping session but they were on my mind. I'm not going to say that I won't have weak moments going forward. I will definitely cry at points but I have to remember that God is listening to our prayers even if He is the one who decides which to answer and why.
Our boys are doing fantastic overall. I am so in love with them and so proud of them! I try not to take any of it for granted because I know that we are very blessed. We were told yesterday afternoon that Jacen is anemic and might need a blood transfusion within a week. It sounds so scary! But all things considered our boys have already faced worse. I have faith that our sweet little boy will either overcome the anemia on his own (with the help of iron supplements) or need one transfusion and be all better. I have to have faith.
Reading a blog post written by a woman from church I ended up in tears tonight. It was exactly the message I needed to hear because I was struggling. She is doing a bible study that focuses on finding God's influence in your life, the first of which is finding Him within your first 6 years of life. Reading her honest story made me realize something. How can I say that I believe in God, that I trust in his perfect timing, yet I question it at every turn? Where is the faith in that? Am I so fickle in my faith that whenever something goes not according to my plan I question His?
It's been a tough road to get here. We experienced a miscarriage of our first pregnancy, then infertility, then premature labor and birth of our twin boys. Yesterday I questioned the why of it. But I already know, at least in part, the why. I've detailed in another post on my old blog my journey of faith. Had we not struggled in early 2011 I'm honestly not sure I would have chosen to continue attending our church, I'm not sure I would have been ready. But I needed to hear the messages that the pastor spoke, it seemed like he was speaking directly to me. I was finally ready to hear them and to begin to slowly understand God and His influence in my life. It's remained that way and it's nearing a year since I joined and was baptized. We have experienced the love and family that our church has for others in the way so many have reached out to us with offers of prayer and assistance. We're not alone.
I don't know why God decided it was time for our boys to be born at only 29w4d. I don't know why their start at life has not been a simple one. But I have to believe there is a greater purpose behind it. I believe he is watching over them and helping them daily. I have to remember that I don't need to know why I just need to know that He is there watching over us. His ways are not our ways.
These thoughts are pretty deep for a 2am pumping session but they were on my mind. I'm not going to say that I won't have weak moments going forward. I will definitely cry at points but I have to remember that God is listening to our prayers even if He is the one who decides which to answer and why.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Kangaroo care
Kangaroo care time is amazing, even better than I expected it to be. For those of you unfamiliar with the term it's when preemie babies are first finally able to be held skin to skin. They are placed on the mom/dad's chest and abdomen in contact with skin and left for about an hour to begin with. It's really good for both the parent and the baby.
On Thursday I got to hold Jacen for the first time. He was a little fussy to begin with but settled down so quickly. He seemed to enjoy the contact and I most definitely did. Even though I was uncomfortable in the chair and a little scared to do something wrong, that first hour flew by.
Yesterday I got to hold Spencer for the first time and Andy got to hold Jacen. Spencer was so much more calm than Jacen and just snuggled close the entire time. Andy absolutely loved getting to hold Jacen. I could hear him singing oldies to our son and it really looked like Jacen enjoyed them. Andy used to sing to my belly so I'm sure Jacen recognized his daddy's voice.
We are definitely looking forward to this time on a daily basis now! I can't get enough of our boys.
I also made a bump progression collage the other day, it was neat to see how my belly size progressed over time.
I still wish I had gotten to carry them for longer, but I am so happy with the progress they are making every single day in the NICU. I know everything happened the way it should have, so I'm beginning to come to peace with it. Thankfully the kangaroo care time is helping! I feel like I can actually do something for my boys now, which helps alleviate some of the guilt (irrational or not) that I feel. I can't wait to hold them again tomorrow!
On Thursday I got to hold Jacen for the first time. He was a little fussy to begin with but settled down so quickly. He seemed to enjoy the contact and I most definitely did. Even though I was uncomfortable in the chair and a little scared to do something wrong, that first hour flew by.
 |
| I look exhausted but I'm so incredibly happy too. |
We are definitely looking forward to this time on a daily basis now! I can't get enough of our boys.
I also made a bump progression collage the other day, it was neat to see how my belly size progressed over time.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Jacen and Spencer are one week old!
I cannot believe our boys are already a week old! Time has flown by in a complete blur. Thankfully we have had mostly good days and mostly good news. I fall more madly in love with our boys every single day. Jacen and Spencer are definitely showing more of their personalities as days go by. It's so fun to watch them develop!
Jacen is almost back to his birth weight, this morning he weighed 2lbs12oz. Today he received 16mL of milk every three hours with fortifier added to it. He was pretty cranky and tough to console today so they think they might slow down on his feed increases for a day or two since it might be making his tummy hurt. He should get his belly button line out tomorrow which means we should be able to start kangaroo care! Being able to hold our sons will help all of us tremendously. His bilirubin remained stable so he is hopefully done with phototherapy for good. He continues to breathe room air through the CPAP.
Spencer is almost back to his birth weight as well, this morning he weighed 3lbs even. He received 15mL of milk every three hours today. He was having a lot of residuals so they might slow down on his feed increases as well. He is also breathing room air through CPAP. His bilirubin was within normal ranges so he got taken off of the phototherapy this morning. It was so exciting to see more of his precious face again! Tomorrow both boys will be getting an ultrasound of their brains. We're praying it shows no bleeding whatsoever!
I'm doing much better today. Every other day I seem to be very sleep deprived and sad, I think the two definitely go hand in hand. I didn't get to take any naps today so tomorrow might be another one of those days, but I'm going to try to rest as much as possible. My milk continues to come in nicely. I had a meeting with the lactation consultant at the hospital and she gave me a lot of good tricks and tips. She refused to give me any numbers of what I "should" be pumping right now, just said that it should increase a little every day for the most part. So far it has so I guess I'm right on track! The first full day of pumping I managed 7.1mL, today with one pump session left I'm at 171mL!
Andy and I took one week photos of the boys tonight but afterwards he went night fishing and took the camera with him. One of us will probably post the photos soon. Andy continues to be amazing. I was pumping in the NICU this evening and Jacen was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum. It was beautiful to watch Andy try to comfort him. I can tell he loves our sons so much and it makes my heart so happy. I might struggle at times with the way everything happened and that my boys require a long NICU stay, but seeing Andy with the boys helps remind me that God knows what he is doing. At the time I didn't understand our loss, I didn't understand why God would give us a child then take it away so quickly. Now I think it's because we were meant to take that road, we were meant to struggle to conceive, we were meant to find our RE, to take the medication, to conceive our boys, and ultimately I was meant to deliver them early. Maybe this is his way of helping me be less of a control freak, who knows. All I know is I need to remember that God has perfect timing. I am so thankful for all that we have!
Jacen is almost back to his birth weight, this morning he weighed 2lbs12oz. Today he received 16mL of milk every three hours with fortifier added to it. He was pretty cranky and tough to console today so they think they might slow down on his feed increases for a day or two since it might be making his tummy hurt. He should get his belly button line out tomorrow which means we should be able to start kangaroo care! Being able to hold our sons will help all of us tremendously. His bilirubin remained stable so he is hopefully done with phototherapy for good. He continues to breathe room air through the CPAP.
Spencer is almost back to his birth weight as well, this morning he weighed 3lbs even. He received 15mL of milk every three hours today. He was having a lot of residuals so they might slow down on his feed increases as well. He is also breathing room air through CPAP. His bilirubin was within normal ranges so he got taken off of the phototherapy this morning. It was so exciting to see more of his precious face again! Tomorrow both boys will be getting an ultrasound of their brains. We're praying it shows no bleeding whatsoever!
I'm doing much better today. Every other day I seem to be very sleep deprived and sad, I think the two definitely go hand in hand. I didn't get to take any naps today so tomorrow might be another one of those days, but I'm going to try to rest as much as possible. My milk continues to come in nicely. I had a meeting with the lactation consultant at the hospital and she gave me a lot of good tricks and tips. She refused to give me any numbers of what I "should" be pumping right now, just said that it should increase a little every day for the most part. So far it has so I guess I'm right on track! The first full day of pumping I managed 7.1mL, today with one pump session left I'm at 171mL!
Andy and I took one week photos of the boys tonight but afterwards he went night fishing and took the camera with him. One of us will probably post the photos soon. Andy continues to be amazing. I was pumping in the NICU this evening and Jacen was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum. It was beautiful to watch Andy try to comfort him. I can tell he loves our sons so much and it makes my heart so happy. I might struggle at times with the way everything happened and that my boys require a long NICU stay, but seeing Andy with the boys helps remind me that God knows what he is doing. At the time I didn't understand our loss, I didn't understand why God would give us a child then take it away so quickly. Now I think it's because we were meant to take that road, we were meant to struggle to conceive, we were meant to find our RE, to take the medication, to conceive our boys, and ultimately I was meant to deliver them early. Maybe this is his way of helping me be less of a control freak, who knows. All I know is I need to remember that God has perfect timing. I am so thankful for all that we have!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Never enough time in the day
The boys are six days old! It's so hard to believe that it's been 16 days since this all began and 6 since I had them. The time has passed in such a blur.
I'm really struggling with the fact that there just is never enough time in the day. Between pumping every three hours, sleeping, eating, and seeing the boys I feel like something has to be sacrificed. Sleep remains it, although I'm trying to be better. Yesterday I bought a hands free pumping bra and that has already been a fantastic purchase. It's seriously the best thing I've bought this year, probably in several years. That means Andy is now getting mostly full nights of sleep. I know if he could pump instead of me he gladly would, but he can't.
Today we had a little scare with my blood pressure. My feet began to swell a little on saturday and yesterday it surpassed the swelling after my lap. My OB's nurse had me go to the grocery store to check my blood pressure and it was elevated (for me) to 125/85. I got very little sleep last night and this morning my feet were even more swollen. We went upstairs and sat with the boys for about an hour waiting for the doctors and the entire care team to do rounds. The boys are continuing to do well, thank goodness.
When we got back to the room I didn't feel well. My head was hurting, I felt a weird pain in my stomach, and my chest felt a little pressure. We went back to the grocery store and my blood pressure was elevated to 143/85. I called my OB and we got in immediately. Oddly enough my blood pressure in office was much closer to normal, even though it was taken only about 20 minutes later. I don't have protein in my urine and I'm waiting to hear back about my labs that were drawn. For now the OB thinks I'm just exhausted and hormonal, the swelling is probably within the normal ranges. I was instructed to lay flat as much as possible in the next few days to help reduce the swelling. This of course cuts into my time that I get to spend with Jacen and Spencer, but I'm going to try to focus on getting sleep in between pumpings.
If all goes according to plan we should get to start kangaroo care on friday, so I want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible. That will begin the time that really matters with our visits. But every second matters to me, even now. I need to bond with my babies and to know that they're okay. Someone can tell me a million times that they are but I won't truly feel it until I see for myself.
This sucks.
I'm really struggling with the fact that there just is never enough time in the day. Between pumping every three hours, sleeping, eating, and seeing the boys I feel like something has to be sacrificed. Sleep remains it, although I'm trying to be better. Yesterday I bought a hands free pumping bra and that has already been a fantastic purchase. It's seriously the best thing I've bought this year, probably in several years. That means Andy is now getting mostly full nights of sleep. I know if he could pump instead of me he gladly would, but he can't.
Today we had a little scare with my blood pressure. My feet began to swell a little on saturday and yesterday it surpassed the swelling after my lap. My OB's nurse had me go to the grocery store to check my blood pressure and it was elevated (for me) to 125/85. I got very little sleep last night and this morning my feet were even more swollen. We went upstairs and sat with the boys for about an hour waiting for the doctors and the entire care team to do rounds. The boys are continuing to do well, thank goodness.
When we got back to the room I didn't feel well. My head was hurting, I felt a weird pain in my stomach, and my chest felt a little pressure. We went back to the grocery store and my blood pressure was elevated to 143/85. I called my OB and we got in immediately. Oddly enough my blood pressure in office was much closer to normal, even though it was taken only about 20 minutes later. I don't have protein in my urine and I'm waiting to hear back about my labs that were drawn. For now the OB thinks I'm just exhausted and hormonal, the swelling is probably within the normal ranges. I was instructed to lay flat as much as possible in the next few days to help reduce the swelling. This of course cuts into my time that I get to spend with Jacen and Spencer, but I'm going to try to focus on getting sleep in between pumpings.
If all goes according to plan we should get to start kangaroo care on friday, so I want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible. That will begin the time that really matters with our visits. But every second matters to me, even now. I need to bond with my babies and to know that they're okay. Someone can tell me a million times that they are but I won't truly feel it until I see for myself.
This sucks.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Emotional Rollercoaster
To say that we have been on an emotional rollercoaster for two weeks now does not even begin to cover it. I'm still somewhat in shock that everything happened the way it did. I'm also extremely sleep deprived, so that doesn't help.
Jacen and Spencer are doing well over all, although it's terrifying to have them in the NICU. I hate that I can't be with them every second anymore. I wasn't ready to not be pregnant with them anymore. I miss feeling their kicks and hiccups inside of me. I miss being able to poke at my belly and getting a reassuring kick that says, "I'm okay mom, I'm here". I know that we are so incredibly lucky that they are doing as well as they are and that I got to be pregnant for as long as I did, I promise I'm not taking those things for granted. But I'm mad. I know I shouldn't blame myself, my body, but it's incredibly hard not to. There was no infection, no reason for me to go into labor, except that my body thought it was ready since there were 6lbs of babies in me. My body just didn't realize that there were two precious babies, not just one. Every time we visit them in NICU my heart feels simultaneously like it's breaking into a million pieces for all that they're going through, and like it's going to burst from love and pride for them.
Jacen, our sweet firstborn son, is currently on a C-PAP ranging in the 21-40% range (21% is room air). While doing a belly button line (for blood draws, IVs etc) a little air escaped in and found it's way to his lungs. On Thursday we were warned that the pneumothorax might require scary interventions like putting a needle into his lungs to withdraw air or even a chest tube. Since we can't be there 24/7 we were also told that they will make the best medical decision for him and then let us know after the fact. So any phone call puts me on edge thinking it might be them. As of last night's chest x-ray the pneumothorax had resolved itself! Jacen is looking a lot more comfortable and is eating like a champ. They currently have him receiving 4mL every three hours through feeding tube.
Spencer, although still bigger, has had more problems with his lungs. He is currently on a ventilator but is thankfully breathing at 21%, They're slowly decreasing the pressure and he might get switched to C-PAP at some point today. He is not tolerating feeds very well yet. He's currently receiving 2mL every four hours but most of them he's not digesting. They don't seem overly worried about it so I'm trying not to be.
Both boys have elevated bilirubin so they're receiving phototherapy. Jacen is under a lamp that looks like a spotlight while Spencer is under the neat looking blue lights. We were told there isn't a difference it's just whichever was available at the time. The NICU doctors will be doing a CT scan of their brains on thursday and if all looks good we might be able to begin kangaroo care next friday! I cannot wait until they're well enough for us to hold them!
I'm pretty much an emotional mess right now. I'm hoping it's due to fluctuating hormones and my breast milk coming in, not due to post partum depression or anxiety. Andy and I will be keeping a very close eye on it, especially since I'm already prone to anxiety. Sleep deprivation doesn't help, but I'm pumping every three hours so it's pretty much inevitable. I have a difficult time going to back to sleep between pumps even though I'm beyond exhausted. I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time since monday evening/tuesday morning. I'm also in a lot of pain from my second degree tear. I pretty much hurt like I did after the lap in September, it's just in a different place. Ouch!
I really need to learn to sleep right after pumping. If I lay down and turn on the lights now I could get an hour. Doesn't seem worth it but I know that'll make a huge difference to me in the long run.
Jacen and Spencer are doing well over all, although it's terrifying to have them in the NICU. I hate that I can't be with them every second anymore. I wasn't ready to not be pregnant with them anymore. I miss feeling their kicks and hiccups inside of me. I miss being able to poke at my belly and getting a reassuring kick that says, "I'm okay mom, I'm here". I know that we are so incredibly lucky that they are doing as well as they are and that I got to be pregnant for as long as I did, I promise I'm not taking those things for granted. But I'm mad. I know I shouldn't blame myself, my body, but it's incredibly hard not to. There was no infection, no reason for me to go into labor, except that my body thought it was ready since there were 6lbs of babies in me. My body just didn't realize that there were two precious babies, not just one. Every time we visit them in NICU my heart feels simultaneously like it's breaking into a million pieces for all that they're going through, and like it's going to burst from love and pride for them.
Jacen, our sweet firstborn son, is currently on a C-PAP ranging in the 21-40% range (21% is room air). While doing a belly button line (for blood draws, IVs etc) a little air escaped in and found it's way to his lungs. On Thursday we were warned that the pneumothorax might require scary interventions like putting a needle into his lungs to withdraw air or even a chest tube. Since we can't be there 24/7 we were also told that they will make the best medical decision for him and then let us know after the fact. So any phone call puts me on edge thinking it might be them. As of last night's chest x-ray the pneumothorax had resolved itself! Jacen is looking a lot more comfortable and is eating like a champ. They currently have him receiving 4mL every three hours through feeding tube.
Spencer, although still bigger, has had more problems with his lungs. He is currently on a ventilator but is thankfully breathing at 21%, They're slowly decreasing the pressure and he might get switched to C-PAP at some point today. He is not tolerating feeds very well yet. He's currently receiving 2mL every four hours but most of them he's not digesting. They don't seem overly worried about it so I'm trying not to be.
Both boys have elevated bilirubin so they're receiving phototherapy. Jacen is under a lamp that looks like a spotlight while Spencer is under the neat looking blue lights. We were told there isn't a difference it's just whichever was available at the time. The NICU doctors will be doing a CT scan of their brains on thursday and if all looks good we might be able to begin kangaroo care next friday! I cannot wait until they're well enough for us to hold them!
I'm pretty much an emotional mess right now. I'm hoping it's due to fluctuating hormones and my breast milk coming in, not due to post partum depression or anxiety. Andy and I will be keeping a very close eye on it, especially since I'm already prone to anxiety. Sleep deprivation doesn't help, but I'm pumping every three hours so it's pretty much inevitable. I have a difficult time going to back to sleep between pumps even though I'm beyond exhausted. I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time since monday evening/tuesday morning. I'm also in a lot of pain from my second degree tear. I pretty much hurt like I did after the lap in September, it's just in a different place. Ouch!
I really need to learn to sleep right after pumping. If I lay down and turn on the lights now I could get an hour. Doesn't seem worth it but I know that'll make a huge difference to me in the long run.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Jacen and Spencer's very long birth story
***Warning: This might get a little graphic at times and some points are a little blurry in my mind***
Parenthood is definitely already showing us that we are no longer in control and things do not always go according to plan.
On tuesday, 4/3, the boys did great on the NST but it was noted that I was having lots of small contractions. The nurse spoke with the OB on call and they decided since I wasn't feeling them I wasn't in labor my uterus was just being extra "irritable". I was told to pay attention and if I started to experience pain to let them know. I had been on the monitors for over two hours but hadn't felt anything at the point so I tried to relax. Andy had gone home to check on the kitties and when he got back I mentioned I was feeling a few contractions an hour but they were feeling a little different, not painful, but different. I took a shower thinking it would relax me.
My dad showed up to visit at around 4pm and I continued to monitor them and told them both that I was probably going to become that mom that cries wolf every day and it was probably nothing. I mentioned it to the nurse and she said if I had another one to let her know. We waited it out and about three contractions later (yeah, I know) I was positive they felt different. Instead of the hardness beginning at my sides and moving in to the center/top of my belly it felt like I was first feeling it low then my belly would gradually get hard. My nurse hooked me up to the monitors again and in about 10 minutes came in to say she had placed a call to the OB on call and she was going to come check to see if I was further dilated. It was incredibly scary because at that point I was almost positive I was in active labor again but was praying it would somehow stop or they could give me something else to make it stop.
The OB on call showed up, checked me, and I was already dilated to 4+/5cm, 90% effaced, and having semi frequent productive contractions. I am my mother's daughter and I think the first words out of my mouth were "oh shit" and then I cried more. We were told there was nothing they could do to stop labor at this point and I would likely deliver that night at 29w3d. Andy had to quickly pack up the room and follow me back to an L&D room (we had moved to antepartum that morning) where the nurses started me on an IV line with fluids and the OB told me I needed an epidural soon.
I originally wanted a medication free birth at a local birthing center with a midwife so the idea of an epidural has always felt wrong to me. But I knew with twins it was a necessity and not a choice but I wanted to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. The OB was a little surprised/skeptical but said that was fine.
They ask you to rate your pain 0-10 with 10 being the worst pain ever imaginable. At the worst I told them my contractions were a 2 but in all honestly they remained uncomfortable not really painful. I had to take a deep breath when they occurred and wasn't able to talk but it was mainly due to the intensity of the feeling not pain. In the beginning I progressed 1cm per every 1-2 hours so the OB again reiterated that we would likely deliver that night or early the next morning. My contractions never really picked up so I stalled out a little bit at around 7cm dilated (I think, my memory at this point is hazy). They made me get the epidural at about 11:30pm and it wasn't as awful as I had imagined for years. I almost passed out afterwards but lying down helped immensely and I didn't.
At 12am it was officially Andy's 26th birthday and five years to the day since he proposed to me. We tried to make jokes about how he was going to be 25 forever since the day will always be about the boys and not him in the future. We were both scared. I labored slowly for the rest of the night. The numbness of my legs made me anxious and uncomfortable so I wasn't able to sleep for more than 5 minutes or so at a time. Andy was able to sleep a little but I know it wasn't really restful. Every time I got a dose of the epidural I would get very shivery and at first I thought it was an anxiety response because every time Andy would hold my hands and talk to me it would calm down immediately. I now think it was a combination of the coldness of the medicine entering my blood stream, hormones, and anxiety.
By 5:30am I think I was stalled at 8cm dilated and still 90% effaced so the OB convinced me to allow her to break Righty's water in hopes of progressing more quickly. The OB on call was okay with me progressing naturally since both boys were perfect on the monitors with very little reaction to labor. They were happy campers inside, my body was just confused and thought it was time. I was scared for each intervention since in my mind I knew with each one it became more likely a c-section would be necessary. But I also knew at that point that without the interventions a c-section was becoming more likely. My labor didn't progress as much as we had all hoped and at 6:30am they convinced me pitocin
Around 7am my OB came to visit and take over. She immediately said if things didn't start progressing soon a c-section would be necessary. Andy and I finally began to tell the boys that it was time for them to come into the world, even though we wanted them to have every second of advantage due to growth in me. On the pitocin my contractions began to speed up slowly but didn't become consistent for awhile. At around 8:30am I think I was checked again and was at 9cm and almost 100% dilated with Righty at a +1 station. Pitococin was upped again and pretty quickly the contractions became stronger and more frequent. I was told to let them know if I started to feel a certain type of pressure.
As we were waiting a woman from church, who is also a chaplain at our hospital, came in to say a prayer with/for us. I honestly feel that this was the final thing needed before the boys were ready to be born since during her prayer I began to feel the pressure. After she left I told the nurse and my OB came to check me and agreed that it was go time. We did several practice pushes in the L&D room before the nurse and OB agreed that it was time to go for real.
Andy got to put on a handsome blue OR gown and I got to put a surgical cap on my head just in case. They wheeled me into the OR and there were so many people there, I don't even know how many. At first I lost my "rhythm" of pushing since there were so many people and no one was coaching me very well. It vaguely reminded me of when we were doing the gonal-f injections to try to conceive our boys in the first place. I would go blank under the pressure unless someone told me exactly what to do. Once a nurse began to tell me, "Deep breath in, hold it, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, let out the breath, take another deep one, hold it" etc three times each contraction things went so much better.
Andy was amazing and coached me the whole time too. He helped in the L&D room and in the OR. I couldn't have done it without him! He encouraged me, told me I was doing great, reminded me to hold my breath when pushing etc. I'm always so amazed that I can continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with him. It already seems like my heart is so full of love for him, but during delivery I fell even further in love. He is my partner in every sense of the word, even when it came to bringing out precious boys into the world. I've heard other women get annoyed with their partners during delivery but I was so incredibly thankful to have him there for support.
I'm not sure how many pushes it took but Jacen (Righty/baby A) was born at 10:01am weighing 2lbs13oz. Before the cord was cut by Andy (he's a rock star!) they placed Jacen on my abdomen and I got to say hi to my first born son. It was absolutely incredible. He was small but not too small and so perfect. He already had some dark hair on his head and gave a few little cries before the OB picked him up and let Andy cut his cord. I think at that point the NICU nurses/doctors grabbed him and began to do their work. His first apgars were 7 and 8 which is pretty darn good for a baby born at 29w4d!
My OB then broke Spencer's water and helped to flip him the right way. I won't go into detail but that was definitely painful despite the epidural! I'm not sure how many pushes later but it seemed like in no time at all Spencer (Lefty, baby B) was born at 10:14am weighing 3lbs3oz. His first apgars were 8 and 9. He was placed on me and I got to tell him happy birthday as he cried really strongly and loudly. He too had his umbilical cord cut by Andy and then was taken by the NICU staff. The OB and some nurses got to work finishing our birth. Two easy placenta deliveries and two very painful stitches (2nd degree tear) later they brought Spencer by in an incubator already on a CPAP machine for us the see him for a minute before they followed Jacen up to NICU. Andy went with him and was able to spend some time watching the boys get settled.
I was wheeled back to my L&D room to have the epidural removed and my battle wounds cared for. It was all incredibly surreal. I think I repeatedly said, "Oh my gosh, I have two sons". Eventually I was ready to move to our post partum room and Andy came down to help move our stuff. The nurse helped me into the wheelchair and then left to get something. I started to get really light headed with tunnel vision, ringing ears etc. Andy came and held onto me so if I passed out, which I came very very close to, I wouldn't fall out of the wheelchair. The nurse came back and had me put my head down as close to between my knees as I was capable of. Andy ran and got me a cup of apple juice and some graham crackers which I began to nibble on while still hanging semi upside down. Everything cleared up fairly quickly, we think after not eating for almost 24 hours, laboring for so long, and delivering two babies that my blood sugar just crashed. I seriously chugged a huge amount of apple juice during the next hour and ate some lunch.
Originally I was told that I would get to go to NICU to see the boys within two to three hours of birth, but my nurse would not approve it because of the nearly fainting episode. Andy's dad and grandma showed up to celebrate his birthday (and now the birthday of our sons!) but I was very overwhelmed and anxious about everything. I know I was awful company and cried several times. My dad and then my mom showed up too. I love them all very much but my system was on overload and Andy took them downstairs to eat cupcakes and celebrate so I could calm down and rest some. I hope next time we see them I can make it up to them.
The rest of the day is somewhat of a blur except for my first pumping experience at 5pm (whole other story) and finally getting to go see the boys at 8:30pm. Jacen was doing wonderfully and required very little oxygen through a CPAP. Spencer, although bigger, has had a more difficult first day of life on the outside. He's required almost double the oxygen as his older brother, and required a line through his umbilical cord to give him various fluids, medicines, and nutrition. We've been told this is very typical for the B baby to struggle a little more than A. The theory is that Jacen struggled a little more in the womb so he's struggling less now vs Spencer was probably less ready to come so he's struggling more now. Hopefully they'll follow general preemie behavior and even out to a better baseline within three days.
Our boys are the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my whole life. They are incredible and I can't believe that less than 24hours ago those munchkins were kicking inside of me. It's still very surreal. I miss being with them 24/7 and I miss the kicks. But I'm so excited that they're here and doing so well. I wish my body had done a better job and been able to nurture them inside for a lot longer, but I'm so proud of how well they are doing so far.
Andy and I are parents! We have two amazing sons! We have many weeks of NICU ahead of us but I already can't wait to bring them home. I can't wait to be able to look at them and snuggle them whenever I want! Our life is totally different now, it is so much better. I can't believe how big and full my heart is, I love those two more than anything. It's so incredible that they were born on such an already important day to us too. Seriously, what are the odds? I wish they had been able to get at least 4 more weeks inside of me but they sure did choose an amazing day to be born. Happy birthday to my three favorite men!
Parenthood is definitely already showing us that we are no longer in control and things do not always go according to plan.
On tuesday, 4/3, the boys did great on the NST but it was noted that I was having lots of small contractions. The nurse spoke with the OB on call and they decided since I wasn't feeling them I wasn't in labor my uterus was just being extra "irritable". I was told to pay attention and if I started to experience pain to let them know. I had been on the monitors for over two hours but hadn't felt anything at the point so I tried to relax. Andy had gone home to check on the kitties and when he got back I mentioned I was feeling a few contractions an hour but they were feeling a little different, not painful, but different. I took a shower thinking it would relax me.
My dad showed up to visit at around 4pm and I continued to monitor them and told them both that I was probably going to become that mom that cries wolf every day and it was probably nothing. I mentioned it to the nurse and she said if I had another one to let her know. We waited it out and about three contractions later (yeah, I know) I was positive they felt different. Instead of the hardness beginning at my sides and moving in to the center/top of my belly it felt like I was first feeling it low then my belly would gradually get hard. My nurse hooked me up to the monitors again and in about 10 minutes came in to say she had placed a call to the OB on call and she was going to come check to see if I was further dilated. It was incredibly scary because at that point I was almost positive I was in active labor again but was praying it would somehow stop or they could give me something else to make it stop.
The OB on call showed up, checked me, and I was already dilated to 4+/5cm, 90% effaced, and having semi frequent productive contractions. I am my mother's daughter and I think the first words out of my mouth were "oh shit" and then I cried more. We were told there was nothing they could do to stop labor at this point and I would likely deliver that night at 29w3d. Andy had to quickly pack up the room and follow me back to an L&D room (we had moved to antepartum that morning) where the nurses started me on an IV line with fluids and the OB told me I needed an epidural soon.
I originally wanted a medication free birth at a local birthing center with a midwife so the idea of an epidural has always felt wrong to me. But I knew with twins it was a necessity and not a choice but I wanted to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. The OB was a little surprised/skeptical but said that was fine.
They ask you to rate your pain 0-10 with 10 being the worst pain ever imaginable. At the worst I told them my contractions were a 2 but in all honestly they remained uncomfortable not really painful. I had to take a deep breath when they occurred and wasn't able to talk but it was mainly due to the intensity of the feeling not pain. In the beginning I progressed 1cm per every 1-2 hours so the OB again reiterated that we would likely deliver that night or early the next morning. My contractions never really picked up so I stalled out a little bit at around 7cm dilated (I think, my memory at this point is hazy). They made me get the epidural at about 11:30pm and it wasn't as awful as I had imagined for years. I almost passed out afterwards but lying down helped immensely and I didn't.
At 12am it was officially Andy's 26th birthday and five years to the day since he proposed to me. We tried to make jokes about how he was going to be 25 forever since the day will always be about the boys and not him in the future. We were both scared. I labored slowly for the rest of the night. The numbness of my legs made me anxious and uncomfortable so I wasn't able to sleep for more than 5 minutes or so at a time. Andy was able to sleep a little but I know it wasn't really restful. Every time I got a dose of the epidural I would get very shivery and at first I thought it was an anxiety response because every time Andy would hold my hands and talk to me it would calm down immediately. I now think it was a combination of the coldness of the medicine entering my blood stream, hormones, and anxiety.
By 5:30am I think I was stalled at 8cm dilated and still 90% effaced so the OB convinced me to allow her to break Righty's water in hopes of progressing more quickly. The OB on call was okay with me progressing naturally since both boys were perfect on the monitors with very little reaction to labor. They were happy campers inside, my body was just confused and thought it was time. I was scared for each intervention since in my mind I knew with each one it became more likely a c-section would be necessary. But I also knew at that point that without the interventions a c-section was becoming more likely. My labor didn't progress as much as we had all hoped and at 6:30am they convinced me pitocin
Around 7am my OB came to visit and take over. She immediately said if things didn't start progressing soon a c-section would be necessary. Andy and I finally began to tell the boys that it was time for them to come into the world, even though we wanted them to have every second of advantage due to growth in me. On the pitocin my contractions began to speed up slowly but didn't become consistent for awhile. At around 8:30am I think I was checked again and was at 9cm and almost 100% dilated with Righty at a +1 station. Pitococin was upped again and pretty quickly the contractions became stronger and more frequent. I was told to let them know if I started to feel a certain type of pressure.
As we were waiting a woman from church, who is also a chaplain at our hospital, came in to say a prayer with/for us. I honestly feel that this was the final thing needed before the boys were ready to be born since during her prayer I began to feel the pressure. After she left I told the nurse and my OB came to check me and agreed that it was go time. We did several practice pushes in the L&D room before the nurse and OB agreed that it was time to go for real.
Andy got to put on a handsome blue OR gown and I got to put a surgical cap on my head just in case. They wheeled me into the OR and there were so many people there, I don't even know how many. At first I lost my "rhythm" of pushing since there were so many people and no one was coaching me very well. It vaguely reminded me of when we were doing the gonal-f injections to try to conceive our boys in the first place. I would go blank under the pressure unless someone told me exactly what to do. Once a nurse began to tell me, "Deep breath in, hold it, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, let out the breath, take another deep one, hold it" etc three times each contraction things went so much better.
Andy was amazing and coached me the whole time too. He helped in the L&D room and in the OR. I couldn't have done it without him! He encouraged me, told me I was doing great, reminded me to hold my breath when pushing etc. I'm always so amazed that I can continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with him. It already seems like my heart is so full of love for him, but during delivery I fell even further in love. He is my partner in every sense of the word, even when it came to bringing out precious boys into the world. I've heard other women get annoyed with their partners during delivery but I was so incredibly thankful to have him there for support.
I'm not sure how many pushes it took but Jacen (Righty/baby A) was born at 10:01am weighing 2lbs13oz. Before the cord was cut by Andy (he's a rock star!) they placed Jacen on my abdomen and I got to say hi to my first born son. It was absolutely incredible. He was small but not too small and so perfect. He already had some dark hair on his head and gave a few little cries before the OB picked him up and let Andy cut his cord. I think at that point the NICU nurses/doctors grabbed him and began to do their work. His first apgars were 7 and 8 which is pretty darn good for a baby born at 29w4d!
My OB then broke Spencer's water and helped to flip him the right way. I won't go into detail but that was definitely painful despite the epidural! I'm not sure how many pushes later but it seemed like in no time at all Spencer (Lefty, baby B) was born at 10:14am weighing 3lbs3oz. His first apgars were 8 and 9. He was placed on me and I got to tell him happy birthday as he cried really strongly and loudly. He too had his umbilical cord cut by Andy and then was taken by the NICU staff. The OB and some nurses got to work finishing our birth. Two easy placenta deliveries and two very painful stitches (2nd degree tear) later they brought Spencer by in an incubator already on a CPAP machine for us the see him for a minute before they followed Jacen up to NICU. Andy went with him and was able to spend some time watching the boys get settled.
I was wheeled back to my L&D room to have the epidural removed and my battle wounds cared for. It was all incredibly surreal. I think I repeatedly said, "Oh my gosh, I have two sons". Eventually I was ready to move to our post partum room and Andy came down to help move our stuff. The nurse helped me into the wheelchair and then left to get something. I started to get really light headed with tunnel vision, ringing ears etc. Andy came and held onto me so if I passed out, which I came very very close to, I wouldn't fall out of the wheelchair. The nurse came back and had me put my head down as close to between my knees as I was capable of. Andy ran and got me a cup of apple juice and some graham crackers which I began to nibble on while still hanging semi upside down. Everything cleared up fairly quickly, we think after not eating for almost 24 hours, laboring for so long, and delivering two babies that my blood sugar just crashed. I seriously chugged a huge amount of apple juice during the next hour and ate some lunch.
Originally I was told that I would get to go to NICU to see the boys within two to three hours of birth, but my nurse would not approve it because of the nearly fainting episode. Andy's dad and grandma showed up to celebrate his birthday (and now the birthday of our sons!) but I was very overwhelmed and anxious about everything. I know I was awful company and cried several times. My dad and then my mom showed up too. I love them all very much but my system was on overload and Andy took them downstairs to eat cupcakes and celebrate so I could calm down and rest some. I hope next time we see them I can make it up to them.
The rest of the day is somewhat of a blur except for my first pumping experience at 5pm (whole other story) and finally getting to go see the boys at 8:30pm. Jacen was doing wonderfully and required very little oxygen through a CPAP. Spencer, although bigger, has had a more difficult first day of life on the outside. He's required almost double the oxygen as his older brother, and required a line through his umbilical cord to give him various fluids, medicines, and nutrition. We've been told this is very typical for the B baby to struggle a little more than A. The theory is that Jacen struggled a little more in the womb so he's struggling less now vs Spencer was probably less ready to come so he's struggling more now. Hopefully they'll follow general preemie behavior and even out to a better baseline within three days.
Our boys are the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my whole life. They are incredible and I can't believe that less than 24hours ago those munchkins were kicking inside of me. It's still very surreal. I miss being with them 24/7 and I miss the kicks. But I'm so excited that they're here and doing so well. I wish my body had done a better job and been able to nurture them inside for a lot longer, but I'm so proud of how well they are doing so far.
Andy and I are parents! We have two amazing sons! We have many weeks of NICU ahead of us but I already can't wait to bring them home. I can't wait to be able to look at them and snuggle them whenever I want! Our life is totally different now, it is so much better. I can't believe how big and full my heart is, I love those two more than anything. It's so incredible that they were born on such an already important day to us too. Seriously, what are the odds? I wish they had been able to get at least 4 more weeks inside of me but they sure did choose an amazing day to be born. Happy birthday to my three favorite men!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Over a week later
And we're still here with the boys growing bigger inside of me! I can't believe tonight will be our ninth night here and it's been over a week since the second steroid shot. I am so incredibly happy to be able to write that!
Daily non stress tests (NSTs) where they monitor the boys and my contractions have been great so far. My uterus is definitely "irritable" and I have a few real contractions every hour, but nothing that's actual labor so far. Several nurses have told me its quite possible to keep the boys in for many many more weeks since if it's going to labor will usually resume within 24 hours of stopping magnesium. Since we're six days out that's a great sign!
Andy and I are both very homesick, especially for our furry kiddos. Zoe and Pixel are being well cared for by my parents and Andy got to see them last night. The cats are at our house and Andy is going home at least every other day to care for them or my awesome friend Christine stops by. We're very blessed to have so much support!
Daily non stress tests (NSTs) where they monitor the boys and my contractions have been great so far. My uterus is definitely "irritable" and I have a few real contractions every hour, but nothing that's actual labor so far. Several nurses have told me its quite possible to keep the boys in for many many more weeks since if it's going to labor will usually resume within 24 hours of stopping magnesium. Since we're six days out that's a great sign!
Andy and I are both very homesick, especially for our furry kiddos. Zoe and Pixel are being well cared for by my parents and Andy got to see them last night. The cats are at our house and Andy is going home at least every other day to care for them or my awesome friend Christine stops by. We're very blessed to have so much support!
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