Friday, September 21, 2012
Happy anniversary!
Five years ago tomorrow Andy and I got married. I am so blessed that I have been married to my best friend for so long! The years have flown by. Each anniversary has brought new and exciting things. For our first anniversary we went on a road trip through Oregon early in the month, then spent the night in San Antonio for the actual day. For our second anniversary we bought our house. We went on a cruise to the Bahamas for our third. Last year we went to Vegas. This year we will be spending it with the new loves of our life, Jacen and Spencer. I look forward to many more years spent together! Happy anniversary, Andy!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Remembering our angel
Today we should be chasing a one year old around the house. We should be enjoying the smiles, the laughter, and the first words. We should be having a birthday party and opening presents. We should be letting the kid smash a cake and taking funny videos of it. When I first found out I was pregnant on 12/31/10 I instantly had hopes and dreams for the baby I was carrying. When we lost that baby I made a promise that I would never forget them. I might only have carried them for a short time but they changed our lives forever.
I believe God has perfect timing and our angel is an example of that. If we had never gotten pregnant with our angel our boys would not exist. If our angel had stayed with us our boys would not exist. I can't imagine life without Jacen and Spencer. So today we remember and honor the baby we lost. The boys are wearing the onesies I bought on 12/31/10 in remembrance of their sibling that never got to wear them. I'm also snuggling them extra close.
I believe God has perfect timing and our angel is an example of that. If we had never gotten pregnant with our angel our boys would not exist. If our angel had stayed with us our boys would not exist. I can't imagine life without Jacen and Spencer. So today we remember and honor the baby we lost. The boys are wearing the onesies I bought on 12/31/10 in remembrance of their sibling that never got to wear them. I'm also snuggling them extra close.
Monday, September 3, 2012
The good stuff
I'm slacking on updating so I'll do my best to catch y'all up!
The boys are thriving and growing big, strong, and healthy. Last week, on 8/27, Jacen weighed 12lbs1oz and Spencer 11lbs11oz. They're keeping the trend of being exactly six ounces apart. Spencer is receiving physical therapy twice a month for what is now very minimal torticollis. The prematurity clinic recommended he be evaluated by an occupational therapist so that will happen soon. His reflux is under great control with Prevacid. I love that stuff! He hasn't projectile vomited in at least a month now. Since he was throwing up at every single meal in the beginning that is a big deal. Jacen is receiving physical therapy every week now as his torticollis remains more severe and is causing plagiocephally. This means his flat spot is getting so bad it's causing his forehead to jut forward. He is being evaluated for a helmet tomorrow. We're hoping he won't qualify but realistically I'll be surprised if he doesn't.
Both boys are gaining strength. Spencer is finally working on lifting his head during tummy time but remains the physically weaker one. Jacen can keep his head up really well and enjoys practice sitting. Neither of them have rolled yet, although I expect that to happen any day now. All in all I am so incredibly proud of them and thankful that they are doing so well!
I'm doing well for the most part, too. Sometimes I feel like I have some post partum depression and PTSD but most of the time I can handle things very well. I'm working on using my feelings of sadness for the good of others. I hope sometime soon to establish a monthly NICU family support group that extends beyond discharge from the hospital. As I've said before, the preemie experience doesn't end at discharge. I know having a bigger support group of people who understand would be beneficial.
Without further ado I'll leave you with what you really came here for. Pictures of the boys!
The boys are thriving and growing big, strong, and healthy. Last week, on 8/27, Jacen weighed 12lbs1oz and Spencer 11lbs11oz. They're keeping the trend of being exactly six ounces apart. Spencer is receiving physical therapy twice a month for what is now very minimal torticollis. The prematurity clinic recommended he be evaluated by an occupational therapist so that will happen soon. His reflux is under great control with Prevacid. I love that stuff! He hasn't projectile vomited in at least a month now. Since he was throwing up at every single meal in the beginning that is a big deal. Jacen is receiving physical therapy every week now as his torticollis remains more severe and is causing plagiocephally. This means his flat spot is getting so bad it's causing his forehead to jut forward. He is being evaluated for a helmet tomorrow. We're hoping he won't qualify but realistically I'll be surprised if he doesn't.
Both boys are gaining strength. Spencer is finally working on lifting his head during tummy time but remains the physically weaker one. Jacen can keep his head up really well and enjoys practice sitting. Neither of them have rolled yet, although I expect that to happen any day now. All in all I am so incredibly proud of them and thankful that they are doing so well!
I'm doing well for the most part, too. Sometimes I feel like I have some post partum depression and PTSD but most of the time I can handle things very well. I'm working on using my feelings of sadness for the good of others. I hope sometime soon to establish a monthly NICU family support group that extends beyond discharge from the hospital. As I've said before, the preemie experience doesn't end at discharge. I know having a bigger support group of people who understand would be beneficial.
Without further ado I'll leave you with what you really came here for. Pictures of the boys!
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| Multitasking momma! |
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Thursday, August 16, 2012
Rights of passage
Today Jacen and Spencer are two months old adjusted! Happy should have been birthday, boys!
I'm finally getting to work on a mommy right of passage I have wanted to do for a long time; birth announcements. Yes, I know they will be nearly five months old before anyone receives them but I don't care. We didn't get to celebrate their birth since we were so scared and worried. Then I was very protective of who got to see pictures of them. I'm well aware that to most people a 29w baby is far from cute. As precious as their faces were to us it hurt to know others wouldn't feel the same. I also definitely had a strong aversion (which continues) to anyone saying our boys are tiny, little, small etc. I just wasn't able to celebrate their birth in the midst of all the unknowns. But now, four and a half months later, I think I am finally ready to tackle this normal right of passage. I'm ready to celebrate their birth for the joyous event it has become, not for the rough start it was.
I'm finally getting to work on a mommy right of passage I have wanted to do for a long time; birth announcements. Yes, I know they will be nearly five months old before anyone receives them but I don't care. We didn't get to celebrate their birth since we were so scared and worried. Then I was very protective of who got to see pictures of them. I'm well aware that to most people a 29w baby is far from cute. As precious as their faces were to us it hurt to know others wouldn't feel the same. I also definitely had a strong aversion (which continues) to anyone saying our boys are tiny, little, small etc. I just wasn't able to celebrate their birth in the midst of all the unknowns. But now, four and a half months later, I think I am finally ready to tackle this normal right of passage. I'm ready to celebrate their birth for the joyous event it has become, not for the rough start it was.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
You may have left the NICU
But the NICU experience will never leave you. Let me preface this post by saying two things: First, I honestly feel like the most blessed woman ever. My husband is wonderful, he takes care of the boys and myself 24/7. Our boys continue to grow big, strong, and healthy. But none of that changes what I lost. Second, if I know you in real life and you are pregnant or have a baby around the age of my boys this post is in no way meant against you. I promise that you have done nothing wrong.
Whew! Now that thats out of the way I can safely begin. When our boys were in the NICU I honestly didn't think too much about what life on the outside would be like. I knew it would be better but I tried to avoid thinking about how being born nearly 11w early would effect them. I couldn't wait for them to be discharged and for us to leave the confines of the hospital, where I never truly felt like Mom. But the truth is that the NICU and preemie experience doesn't stop at discharge. I don't get the "typical" mom experience. I'm constantly watchful of developmental milestones, our boys have far more appointments than a "normal" baby, and germs terrify me.
Yesterday a coworker brought her son to visit, he was born full term one week after our boys were due. It was crazy to realize our boys should be that same age. Instead of being four and a half months old they should be nearly two. Watching her carefree attitude gave me pangs of sadness. Her baby was passed around to willing hands to be smothered in well meaning kisses. I nearly had a panic attack watching. At one point the baby dropped his pacifier and someone picked it up off the ground and gave it back without even wiping it off. All those germs! I will never get to be that mom. We've been told that any sickness in the first year has a high probability of landing them back in the NICU. I am stronger, stronger than I ever imagined, but I am not that strong. Another NICU stay would push me over the edge I sometimes feel I teeter on.
I continue to be envious of the women who get to "enjoy" their third trimester. I know it must be uncomfortable and they're eager to meet their baby but it's so frustrating to hear someone complain. I can't help but think that I would have loved to be that uncomfortable, I would have loved my back hurting and them kicking my ribs. I would have loved the anticipation prior to going into labor. Instead I spent the ten days prior to their birth terrified that they might not survive, or that they would have a complicated life.
I never realized how greatly this would change our lives. Andy and I both cry every time we see the GE commercial. Memories and fears come racing back. At work I cry when reading the hospital records of a premature baby. I cried yesterday telling a coworker that never getting to take the gestational diabetes test still bothers me. I cry a lot, but that's really not unusual for me. But now I'm hit out of the blue with memories and regrets. I dont get to be the mom I imagined I would be but I know that I'm the mom God intended me to be.
Whew! Now that thats out of the way I can safely begin. When our boys were in the NICU I honestly didn't think too much about what life on the outside would be like. I knew it would be better but I tried to avoid thinking about how being born nearly 11w early would effect them. I couldn't wait for them to be discharged and for us to leave the confines of the hospital, where I never truly felt like Mom. But the truth is that the NICU and preemie experience doesn't stop at discharge. I don't get the "typical" mom experience. I'm constantly watchful of developmental milestones, our boys have far more appointments than a "normal" baby, and germs terrify me.
Yesterday a coworker brought her son to visit, he was born full term one week after our boys were due. It was crazy to realize our boys should be that same age. Instead of being four and a half months old they should be nearly two. Watching her carefree attitude gave me pangs of sadness. Her baby was passed around to willing hands to be smothered in well meaning kisses. I nearly had a panic attack watching. At one point the baby dropped his pacifier and someone picked it up off the ground and gave it back without even wiping it off. All those germs! I will never get to be that mom. We've been told that any sickness in the first year has a high probability of landing them back in the NICU. I am stronger, stronger than I ever imagined, but I am not that strong. Another NICU stay would push me over the edge I sometimes feel I teeter on.
I continue to be envious of the women who get to "enjoy" their third trimester. I know it must be uncomfortable and they're eager to meet their baby but it's so frustrating to hear someone complain. I can't help but think that I would have loved to be that uncomfortable, I would have loved my back hurting and them kicking my ribs. I would have loved the anticipation prior to going into labor. Instead I spent the ten days prior to their birth terrified that they might not survive, or that they would have a complicated life.
I never realized how greatly this would change our lives. Andy and I both cry every time we see the GE commercial. Memories and fears come racing back. At work I cry when reading the hospital records of a premature baby. I cried yesterday telling a coworker that never getting to take the gestational diabetes test still bothers me. I cry a lot, but that's really not unusual for me. But now I'm hit out of the blue with memories and regrets. I dont get to be the mom I imagined I would be but I know that I'm the mom God intended me to be.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Working mom
I have done exactly what I hate seeing in other twin blogs, I have abandoned my weekly writing. I have been all babies all the time in every free moment I have at home which does not leave a lot of blogging time. The transition back to work has been tough, I miss my boys so incredibly much. There is honestly nowhere I would rather be than with them. I have now been back at work for 14 business days, although I took yesterday off for their 4 month shots. I think we have figured out our next new normal until the next transition happens.
Jacen and Spencer are BIG boys now! Yesterday Jacen clocked in at 10lbs4oz and Spencer was 9lbs14oz. They're in 3 month clothing and size 1 diapers. Both boys are smiling and cooing all the time now. We're continuing to work with a physical therapist to improve their torticollis. Spencer loves to snuggle and kick his legs, Jacen loves to hold his head up and look around. Sunday will mark two months and one day since they came home from the hospital, which will be longer than they spent in the NICU. I'm so excited for that milestone! I am in awe of our boys every day, they're the strongest people I know!
I promise to try to write more frequently from here on out. I don't want to miss documenting anything!
Jacen and Spencer are BIG boys now! Yesterday Jacen clocked in at 10lbs4oz and Spencer was 9lbs14oz. They're in 3 month clothing and size 1 diapers. Both boys are smiling and cooing all the time now. We're continuing to work with a physical therapist to improve their torticollis. Spencer loves to snuggle and kick his legs, Jacen loves to hold his head up and look around. Sunday will mark two months and one day since they came home from the hospital, which will be longer than they spent in the NICU. I'm so excited for that milestone! I am in awe of our boys every day, they're the strongest people I know!
I promise to try to write more frequently from here on out. I don't want to miss documenting anything!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Stay at Home Dad(SAHD) Adventures: Big small babies.
*Cough**Cough* I hear coming from Jacen's pack 'n play. I bolt to the side of his napper with Spencer in my arms nearly dropping his bottle with half his meal left in it. "Just kidding!" Jacen says with his hungry eyes as he continues on with his happy baby day. Meanwhile, Spencer has passed out before I can get back to the couch and resume his feeding. I know Jacen marks this as a sibling victory by keeping his little brother just that, little.
The boys are by no means small in Melissa and my eyes. On the contrary, they are ginormous! Probably pushing nine, maybe nine and a half pounds at this point, they have come a long way from 2lb13oz(Jacen) and 3lb3oz(Spencer). Yes, Jacen is now the older and bigger brother, and he won't let Spencer forget it. I understand why Melissa gets cross-hairs in her pupils targeting everyone who has the nerve to call our boys small, but fair is fair, they are babies, and babies are small. That won't keep her from flat out correcting anyone who dares use the "S" word on our big boys, though.
("Just kidding!")
The boys are by no means small in Melissa and my eyes. On the contrary, they are ginormous! Probably pushing nine, maybe nine and a half pounds at this point, they have come a long way from 2lb13oz(Jacen) and 3lb3oz(Spencer). Yes, Jacen is now the older and bigger brother, and he won't let Spencer forget it. I understand why Melissa gets cross-hairs in her pupils targeting everyone who has the nerve to call our boys small, but fair is fair, they are babies, and babies are small. That won't keep her from flat out correcting anyone who dares use the "S" word on our big boys, though.
("Dang! I look good and big.")
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