Doubt

It's been so long since I put words on the screen.  I'm rusty, but the idea of venting sounds too good to pass up.  Until a few weeks ago I thought I knew what my head and heart wanted to do.  Now I'm not so sure.  Perhaps writing it out will help me sweep the doubts from my mind.

I guess I should start at the most recent beginning.  Almost three months ago I sought a second opinion from a new RE.  We already knew about my DOR and endometriosis, but a lot can change in three years and we didn't know how much worse things had gotten.  Well, they got worse.  Way way way worse.  As in my AMH is now practically zero.  0.004 to be exact and with an FSH of 60 to go with it.  My new RE is not overly enthusiastic about our odds of conceiving a biological child but was in agreement that we could retest the labs after 90 days of taking CoQ10 and DHEA and give just one round of femara + gonal-f a chance.  I was enthusiastically on board.  It worked three years ago so I felt positive that it would work again.

Initially the "what if"s of not trying outweighed my "what if"s of giving this a shot.  All I could think about was how much I yearned to be pregnant again.  But with time both passing since we got the news and the time approaching for the medicated cycle, I am now having some major doubts.  There is no guarantee.  In fact, we are more likely to not conceive or to conceive and miscarry than we are to conceive a healthy child.  Doing this cycle would not be cheap and would likely put us in to debt.  It's money that could go to other things we need or to the boys future education.  Honestly, I'm not sure I am ready to handle the disappointment of it not working and I'm beyond scared of another loss.  I still grieve Gavin so deeply.

I had a short lull between September to now where I was able to focus more on the boys and Andy.  Grief was still present but it wasn't all encompassing.  As the holidays approach I'm finding the grief is stronger.  A year ago I was pregnant with Gavin but didn't know it yet.  Thanksgiving day was the first day I was suspicious that I was pregnant.  Now it's a whole year later and not only am I decidedly not pregnant but I miss the son I should have had.  This should be our first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family of five.  Instead we are debating going through more treatment and the thought that it could lead to more heartbreak is terrifying.

There is a saying on the loss boards that you are ready to try again when the fear of not having another child outweighs your fear of another loss.  I thought I was there but now I'm not so sure.  J and S are my entire world.  I would do anything for them and I'm beginning to question if going through so much to bring them a sibling is truly in their best interest.  Am I just selfish for wanting another?  More grief would take me further away from them.  I was not the mom I want to be for many months after we lost Gavin.  I still have minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I am not the mom I want to be for them.  They deserve the best and the heartbreak does not help me be that for them.  Andy also deserves better from me.  I know I'm not the woman he married any more.  In some ways I'm better, but in a lot of ways I'm worse.  My grief has changed me.  I want to get back to being the woman he chose as his wife and mother to his children.

I'm honestly questioning God's plan.  We haven't made it to church much and I'm feeling that in every pore of my being.  I need to reconnect with Him and pray to Him.  But I honestly don't understand.  Why must we go through this when we are good parents?  Why do so many of my friends have to go through this when they would be amazing parents too?  I know our first loss was part of his plan.  We wouldn't have J and S if not for the loss of our first child.  But what was the point of Gavin's loss?  It certainly didn't lead me to be a better mom and at this point even if we are blessed with another child we still biologically could have had them too.  I don't understand.  I know it's not necessary for me to understand, but I wish I did.

I don't know what we will ultimately decide.  No matter what it is I'm sure it will be the best decision for us.  But there will be a lot of soul searching and praying before we reach that point.  

Writing

I feel this blog calling my name, I have been feeling it for quite a while.  But I struggle with what to write.  My grief over losing our precious Gavin is still so raw.  I'm able to bury it deep most of the time with my duties at work and through my pursuit of being a good wife and mom.  But the grief is never truly gone.  I find myself in such a similar place to where I was three years ago.  Due dates suck when you have no baby to hold.  But I'm not sure writing about this grief is what I need.

I squeeze my boys a little tighter and try not to take any moment for granted.  We went through so much to get them, they went through so much when they arrived.  But I struggle with what to write about them.  The story of conceiving them is more our story than theirs.  But our life stories are now so wrapped up in theirs that I worry about what they might think if they were to read this in the future.  I don't want my words to embarrass them or violate their privacy.  They are such funny, smart, amazing boys.  I have so many stories I would love to share, but I struggle with knowing if they are mine to share.

I want to write, but I don't know what to write.

Vulnerable

I wrote this on 12/18/13.  We have since gone on to have another loss.

"I am angry today.  I am angry with our society and with myself.  I think the taboo of pregnancy loss is so so stupid, but I continue to help perpetuate it.  I won't lie, I cringe when I see someone announce before the pee on the stick is even dry.  I know all too well that a pregnancy does not always result in a happy, healthy bundle of joy nine months later.  But why do I cringe?  Why did we choose to wait to announce our pregnancy with the boys until I was in the second trimester?  Why are we keeping this pregnancy a secret?

That's right, we're pregnant!  We found out the day after Thanksgiving.  Our immediate reaction was shock, joy, and fear.  I immediately called my RE who helped us get our boys.  They fit me in that Monday morning and Wednesday for a blood test.  Initially my progesterone, estrogen, and HCG were great.  I started my progesterone supplements just to be safe.  On December 11 we went in for an ultrasound and things looked good, the gestational sac measured 5w4d and there was a yolk.  Repeat HCG showed an increase but not a doubling as expected.  I have been around long enough to know that's not good and thought for sure I would miscarry quickly.  On December 16 I went back to our RE and saw a beautiful heartbeat of 120bpm!  Our RE was happy with the heartbeat but not thrilled with how small the gestational sac was in relation to the baby.  That evening I found out that my estrogen and progesterone had both dipped lower than my RE likes, so now I am on a double dose of both.

My next ultrasound will be on the 23rd, two days before Christmas.  I am scared and hopeful.  The labs are not adding up to good things, but I am focusing on the beautiful heartbeat.  Our baby's heartbeat.  So for now we walk around in silent fear and excitement.  Why do I not announce this pregnancy to the world?  It's the dumb social taboo.  Even though I feel it is ridiculous I still help it continue.  I'm not sure I'm brave or strong enough to fight the taboo on my own, as much as I wish it didn't exist.  Every baby deserves to be loved and celebrated, no matter how long they are with us."

I wish I would have posted that.  Nothing makes me feel vulnerable and raw like a miscarriage.  But here we are, again.  For the past three years I have railed against our society and their treatment of loss.  Why should a family have to grieve in silence so they don't make others uncomfortable?  Unfortunately miscarriage happens often and sometimes multiple times to the same family.  It's not fair.  When we had our first loss three years ago I felt so isolated in my grief.  By being open about our loss I have made so many friends who have unfortunately experienced the same sadness.  I have also been a comfort to friends who have come after me, helped them to know that it's okay to grieve and that they are not alone.

So I'm going to be strong and share our second loss in hopes that one day our story will bring comfort to others.  On the 23rd I went in, expecting the worst again.  But the baby's heart continued to beat!  We had lost another day of growth and the gestational sac was still too small.  I prayed so hard all of the next week, but when I went in on December 30 our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I had a D&C on New Years Eve.  Out of the last four years I have been pregnant on three New year's eves with one successful birth (of twins) to show for it.  Saying that sucks is a huge understatement.  We got our results back the other day and found out our baby was a boy with 69xxy triploidy.  It hurts so badly to know that we have a son in heaven, but it's also healing.  I'm glad to know we did everything possible for our son and that nothing we could have done differently would have changed anything.

Our sweet twins have helped ease my sadness.  I can keep it together the majority of the time for them.  Being at work is the hardest.  I want to scream obscenities at the people who ask if I had a nice holiday.  No, I have another angel in heaven and I had to have an invasive surgery to remove a very much wanted pregnancy.  Does that sound like a good holiday to you?  But one thing I have learned about miscarriage is that the scars are not visible.  You never know who around you is suffering in silence.  I hope by breaking my silence I can begin to heal.

4/4/2013

We have made it.  Jacen and Spencer are 1 year old and Andy is 27!  We have survived the first year of twins.  That is no small feat!

Andy,
I love you.  But you know that already.  Eight years ago we were spending the first of many birthdays together, sailing kites in Hollywood's parking lot and other shenanigans.    Six years ago we were spending our first day as an engaged couple, talking about our wedding and our future.  One year ago we were so excited and scared to be welcoming our sweet boys into the world nearly 11 weeks early.  This year we are having fun hanging out around the house, watching our boys cruise all over and dance to Yo Gabba Gabba.  What will next year bring?  I can only imagine!  But I am so excited to find out with you.  Thank you for being the best friend, husband, and father ever!  Happy 27th birthday!

Jacen,
My sweet bullheaded boy, I am so proud of you!  Your sense of humor never fails to put a smile on our faces.  Son, you have the most amazing belly laugh!  I often call you a bull in a china shop because you love to leap without looking.  You are so determined.  There is no question that you can and will do whatever you put your mind to.  I hope you never lose that drive and determination because they are two things that very much make you you!  Happy first birthday, my love!

Spencer,
My darling sweetheart, I am so proud of you too!  I hope you know how amazed I am of your sweet and gentle nature.  Your snuggles are a bright part to each of our days.  I love how anytime there is music, and sometimes even when there isn't, you dance.  You have music in your soul and it shines.  Just being around you is enough to put a giant smile on my face and in my heart.  Happy first birthday, my love!

I am the luckiest woman in the world, I have the very best three boys ever.  I love you three with all my heart and can't wait to see what this next year brings!

A year ago

A year ago today I was 28 weeks pregnant.  Andy and I were at our friends and family shower, eating hamburgers grilled by our dads, blissfully unaware at how quickly things were about to change.

It's taken me almost the entire year to come to terms with what happened next.  I went into labor at 28w1d gestation while sitting at Sunday service at our church.  At the time I didn't know it was true labor, I wish I had.  But I now realize that I did everything right with the knowledge I had at the time.  A few days earlier I had been told, by a specialist in pre-term labor prevention, that my cervix was long and closed and I was not at risk of going into labor.    I had no way of knowing how wrong that specialist was.

When I think back to a year ago it's very surreal.  It feels both like yesterday and 100 years ago.  It feels like someone else lived through that and in a sense they did.  I am a very different person today than I was a year ago.   Everything about Jacen and Spencer has changed who I am.  I wish I could send the 2012 me a message.

Dear Me,
Things are about to get scary.  You will cry and pray harder than you ever have in your life.  You will be more scared and vulnerable than ever before.  It's okay.  It's okay to feel whatever emotions you are feeling in the moment.  It's okay to be scared, sad, angry, jealous, happy, thankful...What you are feeling is legitimate no matter what it is.  Let yourself feel it.  I know it doesn't seem like it but things will be okay.  Jacen will be almost walking a year from now.  He will be a funny, mischievous boy with a twinkle in his eye, he will have deep belly laughs and leap before looking.  Spencer will be your sweet cuddle boy, with the goofiest grin and laugh ever, and he will love to dance to all kinds of music.  They will be your pride and joy.  Jacen will recover from his pneumothorax, grade I brain bleed, anemia, and reflux.  Spencer will be just fine despite his need for intubation, grade II brain bleed, anemia, and reflux.  They will go from being 2lb213oz and 3lbs 3oz to over 19lbs by their 1st birthday.  They will actually be wearing 12 month clothing at 12 months of age!  They will learn to eat, in fact they will learn to love food.  Knowing all this, seeing it for yourself even, won't change those early emotions.  But you are the mother your boys deserve.  You have advocated for them their entire life, even before, and will continue to advocate for them for as long as you live.  You are their mother no matter how much you might not feel like it at times.  I promise that things will get better.

                                                                                            With love,
                                                                                                       The Me Who Has Been There

I would include a snapshot of them today standing tall while holding onto the baby gate (jail).  It would probably be blurry since they never hold still unless they're sleeping.  But it would be all the me from then would need to know that everything was going to be okay.  The boys would not only survive, they would thrive and grow.

I am so thankful that we have come so far.  With counseling I have come to terms with my pre-term labor, early delivery, and their NICU stay.  But it will never be a happy story.  I will always wish that I could have carried them longer and prevented all that they had to go through.  But I do know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.  I'm looking forward to celebrating their 1st birthday with the joy I didn't get to feel on their birth day.  I can't wait to get a picture of Andy, Jacen, and Spencer all digging into cake.  That's an image I have held in my mind for almost a year now and I am so thankful that we will get to make it a reality.

Moments

With twins it's so easy to get caught up in the moment and forget to look at the big picture.  Tonight I caught myself doing something I have sworn I would try never to do.  I was taking for granted how truly blessed I am.

 Picture this scene:  Mom has been at work all day, at a job she doesn't particularly enjoy.  Her brain is tired.  She's greeted by her loving husband telling her its been a more challenging day, and the boys are whining.  They continue to whine, and cry, and pull eachother's hair.  Getting them changed is like trying to fit a two legged diaper on an octopus.  They cry, mom cries.  Tears all around!

Yeah, it was one of those days.  I was so frustrated with the crying, even though I know right now that's the only way they have to voice their displeasure.  We're in the middle of teething hell, Spencer just cut is first tooth and is working on the second, and Jacen is working on his first.  None of us have slept through the night in awhile, which certainly doesn't improve my frustration tolerance.

I was crying to Jacen, "I can't wait until you can tell me what's wrong!", when it dawned on me that I was taking today for granted.  After everything we have gone through, I was taking that moment for granted.  With that realization I instantly felt a wave of relief.  I looked right at Jacen and told him, "It's okay, go ahead and cry.  I love you no matter what.  I'll happily take a million of these difficult moments versus even one without you.".

I won't lie, Jacen kept on crying and so did Spencer.  But I stopped, I calmed down, I enjoyed my time with them.  Tonight their bedtime story was My Love Will Find You.  I had a hard time making it through because I was truly cherishing the moment.  I had two perfect boys staring at me, soaking up every word.  That is a picture I'm going to try to hold in my mind whenever things are difficult and I need to look at the big picture.  I don't want to take a single second of this for granted.

When did our babies turn into boys?

This has turned into one of those blogs.  You know the ones.  They write tons about all the bad stuff then when good stuff finally happens you get radio silence.  Life is busy, go figure.  But I can't quite figure out the direction I want to take this blog in.  I started out talking about trying to conceive after our miscarriage, then morphed into a story about our infertility, then our pregnancy with twins, then our NICU stay...Then the blog coverage stumbled and halted.

Honestly, things are good right now.  Really really really good.  Sometimes I take a deep breath and try to fathom how this is my life now.  How have I ended up being so blessed?  Jacen and Spencer are incredible.  Tomorrow they will be 7 months adjusted, 9 and a half months actual.  They are crawling everywhere and getting into everything.  Jacen is learning how to sit up on his own and both boys sit well independently.  They're also both learning to pull up on people/objects.  At their 9 month appointment today Jacen weighed 17lbs7oz and Spencer weighed 17lbs12oz.  It's crazy how quickly they're growing and developing!

I think an overhaul and remodel is in the future for this blog, but I'm not sure when or how.  So for now just know that life is great and I'm enjoying every minute of it.