A year ago

A year ago today I was 28 weeks pregnant.  Andy and I were at our friends and family shower, eating hamburgers grilled by our dads, blissfully unaware at how quickly things were about to change.

It's taken me almost the entire year to come to terms with what happened next.  I went into labor at 28w1d gestation while sitting at Sunday service at our church.  At the time I didn't know it was true labor, I wish I had.  But I now realize that I did everything right with the knowledge I had at the time.  A few days earlier I had been told, by a specialist in pre-term labor prevention, that my cervix was long and closed and I was not at risk of going into labor.    I had no way of knowing how wrong that specialist was.

When I think back to a year ago it's very surreal.  It feels both like yesterday and 100 years ago.  It feels like someone else lived through that and in a sense they did.  I am a very different person today than I was a year ago.   Everything about Jacen and Spencer has changed who I am.  I wish I could send the 2012 me a message.

Dear Me,
Things are about to get scary.  You will cry and pray harder than you ever have in your life.  You will be more scared and vulnerable than ever before.  It's okay.  It's okay to feel whatever emotions you are feeling in the moment.  It's okay to be scared, sad, angry, jealous, happy, thankful...What you are feeling is legitimate no matter what it is.  Let yourself feel it.  I know it doesn't seem like it but things will be okay.  Jacen will be almost walking a year from now.  He will be a funny, mischievous boy with a twinkle in his eye, he will have deep belly laughs and leap before looking.  Spencer will be your sweet cuddle boy, with the goofiest grin and laugh ever, and he will love to dance to all kinds of music.  They will be your pride and joy.  Jacen will recover from his pneumothorax, grade I brain bleed, anemia, and reflux.  Spencer will be just fine despite his need for intubation, grade II brain bleed, anemia, and reflux.  They will go from being 2lb213oz and 3lbs 3oz to over 19lbs by their 1st birthday.  They will actually be wearing 12 month clothing at 12 months of age!  They will learn to eat, in fact they will learn to love food.  Knowing all this, seeing it for yourself even, won't change those early emotions.  But you are the mother your boys deserve.  You have advocated for them their entire life, even before, and will continue to advocate for them for as long as you live.  You are their mother no matter how much you might not feel like it at times.  I promise that things will get better.

                                                                                            With love,
                                                                                                       The Me Who Has Been There

I would include a snapshot of them today standing tall while holding onto the baby gate (jail).  It would probably be blurry since they never hold still unless they're sleeping.  But it would be all the me from then would need to know that everything was going to be okay.  The boys would not only survive, they would thrive and grow.

I am so thankful that we have come so far.  With counseling I have come to terms with my pre-term labor, early delivery, and their NICU stay.  But it will never be a happy story.  I will always wish that I could have carried them longer and prevented all that they had to go through.  But I do know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.  I'm looking forward to celebrating their 1st birthday with the joy I didn't get to feel on their birth day.  I can't wait to get a picture of Andy, Jacen, and Spencer all digging into cake.  That's an image I have held in my mind for almost a year now and I am so thankful that we will get to make it a reality.