Doubt

It's been so long since I put words on the screen.  I'm rusty, but the idea of venting sounds too good to pass up.  Until a few weeks ago I thought I knew what my head and heart wanted to do.  Now I'm not so sure.  Perhaps writing it out will help me sweep the doubts from my mind.

I guess I should start at the most recent beginning.  Almost three months ago I sought a second opinion from a new RE.  We already knew about my DOR and endometriosis, but a lot can change in three years and we didn't know how much worse things had gotten.  Well, they got worse.  Way way way worse.  As in my AMH is now practically zero.  0.004 to be exact and with an FSH of 60 to go with it.  My new RE is not overly enthusiastic about our odds of conceiving a biological child but was in agreement that we could retest the labs after 90 days of taking CoQ10 and DHEA and give just one round of femara + gonal-f a chance.  I was enthusiastically on board.  It worked three years ago so I felt positive that it would work again.

Initially the "what if"s of not trying outweighed my "what if"s of giving this a shot.  All I could think about was how much I yearned to be pregnant again.  But with time both passing since we got the news and the time approaching for the medicated cycle, I am now having some major doubts.  There is no guarantee.  In fact, we are more likely to not conceive or to conceive and miscarry than we are to conceive a healthy child.  Doing this cycle would not be cheap and would likely put us in to debt.  It's money that could go to other things we need or to the boys future education.  Honestly, I'm not sure I am ready to handle the disappointment of it not working and I'm beyond scared of another loss.  I still grieve Gavin so deeply.

I had a short lull between September to now where I was able to focus more on the boys and Andy.  Grief was still present but it wasn't all encompassing.  As the holidays approach I'm finding the grief is stronger.  A year ago I was pregnant with Gavin but didn't know it yet.  Thanksgiving day was the first day I was suspicious that I was pregnant.  Now it's a whole year later and not only am I decidedly not pregnant but I miss the son I should have had.  This should be our first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family of five.  Instead we are debating going through more treatment and the thought that it could lead to more heartbreak is terrifying.

There is a saying on the loss boards that you are ready to try again when the fear of not having another child outweighs your fear of another loss.  I thought I was there but now I'm not so sure.  J and S are my entire world.  I would do anything for them and I'm beginning to question if going through so much to bring them a sibling is truly in their best interest.  Am I just selfish for wanting another?  More grief would take me further away from them.  I was not the mom I want to be for many months after we lost Gavin.  I still have minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I am not the mom I want to be for them.  They deserve the best and the heartbreak does not help me be that for them.  Andy also deserves better from me.  I know I'm not the woman he married any more.  In some ways I'm better, but in a lot of ways I'm worse.  My grief has changed me.  I want to get back to being the woman he chose as his wife and mother to his children.

I'm honestly questioning God's plan.  We haven't made it to church much and I'm feeling that in every pore of my being.  I need to reconnect with Him and pray to Him.  But I honestly don't understand.  Why must we go through this when we are good parents?  Why do so many of my friends have to go through this when they would be amazing parents too?  I know our first loss was part of his plan.  We wouldn't have J and S if not for the loss of our first child.  But what was the point of Gavin's loss?  It certainly didn't lead me to be a better mom and at this point even if we are blessed with another child we still biologically could have had them too.  I don't understand.  I know it's not necessary for me to understand, but I wish I did.

I don't know what we will ultimately decide.  No matter what it is I'm sure it will be the best decision for us.  But there will be a lot of soul searching and praying before we reach that point.