Vulnerable

I wrote this on 12/18/13.  We have since gone on to have another loss.

"I am angry today.  I am angry with our society and with myself.  I think the taboo of pregnancy loss is so so stupid, but I continue to help perpetuate it.  I won't lie, I cringe when I see someone announce before the pee on the stick is even dry.  I know all too well that a pregnancy does not always result in a happy, healthy bundle of joy nine months later.  But why do I cringe?  Why did we choose to wait to announce our pregnancy with the boys until I was in the second trimester?  Why are we keeping this pregnancy a secret?

That's right, we're pregnant!  We found out the day after Thanksgiving.  Our immediate reaction was shock, joy, and fear.  I immediately called my RE who helped us get our boys.  They fit me in that Monday morning and Wednesday for a blood test.  Initially my progesterone, estrogen, and HCG were great.  I started my progesterone supplements just to be safe.  On December 11 we went in for an ultrasound and things looked good, the gestational sac measured 5w4d and there was a yolk.  Repeat HCG showed an increase but not a doubling as expected.  I have been around long enough to know that's not good and thought for sure I would miscarry quickly.  On December 16 I went back to our RE and saw a beautiful heartbeat of 120bpm!  Our RE was happy with the heartbeat but not thrilled with how small the gestational sac was in relation to the baby.  That evening I found out that my estrogen and progesterone had both dipped lower than my RE likes, so now I am on a double dose of both.

My next ultrasound will be on the 23rd, two days before Christmas.  I am scared and hopeful.  The labs are not adding up to good things, but I am focusing on the beautiful heartbeat.  Our baby's heartbeat.  So for now we walk around in silent fear and excitement.  Why do I not announce this pregnancy to the world?  It's the dumb social taboo.  Even though I feel it is ridiculous I still help it continue.  I'm not sure I'm brave or strong enough to fight the taboo on my own, as much as I wish it didn't exist.  Every baby deserves to be loved and celebrated, no matter how long they are with us."

I wish I would have posted that.  Nothing makes me feel vulnerable and raw like a miscarriage.  But here we are, again.  For the past three years I have railed against our society and their treatment of loss.  Why should a family have to grieve in silence so they don't make others uncomfortable?  Unfortunately miscarriage happens often and sometimes multiple times to the same family.  It's not fair.  When we had our first loss three years ago I felt so isolated in my grief.  By being open about our loss I have made so many friends who have unfortunately experienced the same sadness.  I have also been a comfort to friends who have come after me, helped them to know that it's okay to grieve and that they are not alone.

So I'm going to be strong and share our second loss in hopes that one day our story will bring comfort to others.  On the 23rd I went in, expecting the worst again.  But the baby's heart continued to beat!  We had lost another day of growth and the gestational sac was still too small.  I prayed so hard all of the next week, but when I went in on December 30 our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I had a D&C on New Years Eve.  Out of the last four years I have been pregnant on three New year's eves with one successful birth (of twins) to show for it.  Saying that sucks is a huge understatement.  We got our results back the other day and found out our baby was a boy with 69xxy triploidy.  It hurts so badly to know that we have a son in heaven, but it's also healing.  I'm glad to know we did everything possible for our son and that nothing we could have done differently would have changed anything.

Our sweet twins have helped ease my sadness.  I can keep it together the majority of the time for them.  Being at work is the hardest.  I want to scream obscenities at the people who ask if I had a nice holiday.  No, I have another angel in heaven and I had to have an invasive surgery to remove a very much wanted pregnancy.  Does that sound like a good holiday to you?  But one thing I have learned about miscarriage is that the scars are not visible.  You never know who around you is suffering in silence.  I hope by breaking my silence I can begin to heal.