Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Goodbye 2014
Today is a surreal kind of day. Four years ago Andy and I found out we were pregnant for the first time on New Years Eve. I can't believe four years has passed already. Last year I had my D&C on New Years Eve, a day after finding out Gavin's heart had stopped beating. I can't believe it's been a whole year. Time passes so weirdly when you are dealing with infertility and losses. It has both flown by and passed at a snails pace. 2014 was a good year. I struggled with my grief but I cannot say it was a bad year. But I am eager to see what 2015 will bring us. I'm pretty sure we will be doing an injectable cycle with IUI in February, so I'm praying 2015 will bring us our third rainbow.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Doubt
It's been so long since I put words on the screen. I'm rusty, but the idea of venting sounds too good to pass up. Until a few weeks ago I thought I knew what my head and heart wanted to do. Now I'm not so sure. Perhaps writing it out will help me sweep the doubts from my mind.
I guess I should start at the most recent beginning. Almost three months ago I sought a second opinion from a new RE. We already knew about my DOR and endometriosis, but a lot can change in three years and we didn't know how much worse things had gotten. Well, they got worse. Way way way worse. As in my AMH is now practically zero. 0.004 to be exact and with an FSH of 60 to go with it. My new RE is not overly enthusiastic about our odds of conceiving a biological child but was in agreement that we could retest the labs after 90 days of taking CoQ10 and DHEA and give just one round of femara + gonal-f a chance. I was enthusiastically on board. It worked three years ago so I felt positive that it would work again.
Initially the "what if"s of not trying outweighed my "what if"s of giving this a shot. All I could think about was how much I yearned to be pregnant again. But with time both passing since we got the news and the time approaching for the medicated cycle, I am now having some major doubts. There is no guarantee. In fact, we are more likely to not conceive or to conceive and miscarry than we are to conceive a healthy child. Doing this cycle would not be cheap and would likely put us in to debt. It's money that could go to other things we need or to the boys future education. Honestly, I'm not sure I am ready to handle the disappointment of it not working and I'm beyond scared of another loss. I still grieve Gavin so deeply.
I had a short lull between September to now where I was able to focus more on the boys and Andy. Grief was still present but it wasn't all encompassing. As the holidays approach I'm finding the grief is stronger. A year ago I was pregnant with Gavin but didn't know it yet. Thanksgiving day was the first day I was suspicious that I was pregnant. Now it's a whole year later and not only am I decidedly not pregnant but I miss the son I should have had. This should be our first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family of five. Instead we are debating going through more treatment and the thought that it could lead to more heartbreak is terrifying.
There is a saying on the loss boards that you are ready to try again when the fear of not having another child outweighs your fear of another loss. I thought I was there but now I'm not so sure. J and S are my entire world. I would do anything for them and I'm beginning to question if going through so much to bring them a sibling is truly in their best interest. Am I just selfish for wanting another? More grief would take me further away from them. I was not the mom I want to be for many months after we lost Gavin. I still have minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I am not the mom I want to be for them. They deserve the best and the heartbreak does not help me be that for them. Andy also deserves better from me. I know I'm not the woman he married any more. In some ways I'm better, but in a lot of ways I'm worse. My grief has changed me. I want to get back to being the woman he chose as his wife and mother to his children.
I'm honestly questioning God's plan. We haven't made it to church much and I'm feeling that in every pore of my being. I need to reconnect with Him and pray to Him. But I honestly don't understand. Why must we go through this when we are good parents? Why do so many of my friends have to go through this when they would be amazing parents too? I know our first loss was part of his plan. We wouldn't have J and S if not for the loss of our first child. But what was the point of Gavin's loss? It certainly didn't lead me to be a better mom and at this point even if we are blessed with another child we still biologically could have had them too. I don't understand. I know it's not necessary for me to understand, but I wish I did.
I don't know what we will ultimately decide. No matter what it is I'm sure it will be the best decision for us. But there will be a lot of soul searching and praying before we reach that point.
I guess I should start at the most recent beginning. Almost three months ago I sought a second opinion from a new RE. We already knew about my DOR and endometriosis, but a lot can change in three years and we didn't know how much worse things had gotten. Well, they got worse. Way way way worse. As in my AMH is now practically zero. 0.004 to be exact and with an FSH of 60 to go with it. My new RE is not overly enthusiastic about our odds of conceiving a biological child but was in agreement that we could retest the labs after 90 days of taking CoQ10 and DHEA and give just one round of femara + gonal-f a chance. I was enthusiastically on board. It worked three years ago so I felt positive that it would work again.
Initially the "what if"s of not trying outweighed my "what if"s of giving this a shot. All I could think about was how much I yearned to be pregnant again. But with time both passing since we got the news and the time approaching for the medicated cycle, I am now having some major doubts. There is no guarantee. In fact, we are more likely to not conceive or to conceive and miscarry than we are to conceive a healthy child. Doing this cycle would not be cheap and would likely put us in to debt. It's money that could go to other things we need or to the boys future education. Honestly, I'm not sure I am ready to handle the disappointment of it not working and I'm beyond scared of another loss. I still grieve Gavin so deeply.
I had a short lull between September to now where I was able to focus more on the boys and Andy. Grief was still present but it wasn't all encompassing. As the holidays approach I'm finding the grief is stronger. A year ago I was pregnant with Gavin but didn't know it yet. Thanksgiving day was the first day I was suspicious that I was pregnant. Now it's a whole year later and not only am I decidedly not pregnant but I miss the son I should have had. This should be our first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family of five. Instead we are debating going through more treatment and the thought that it could lead to more heartbreak is terrifying.
There is a saying on the loss boards that you are ready to try again when the fear of not having another child outweighs your fear of another loss. I thought I was there but now I'm not so sure. J and S are my entire world. I would do anything for them and I'm beginning to question if going through so much to bring them a sibling is truly in their best interest. Am I just selfish for wanting another? More grief would take me further away from them. I was not the mom I want to be for many months after we lost Gavin. I still have minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I am not the mom I want to be for them. They deserve the best and the heartbreak does not help me be that for them. Andy also deserves better from me. I know I'm not the woman he married any more. In some ways I'm better, but in a lot of ways I'm worse. My grief has changed me. I want to get back to being the woman he chose as his wife and mother to his children.
I'm honestly questioning God's plan. We haven't made it to church much and I'm feeling that in every pore of my being. I need to reconnect with Him and pray to Him. But I honestly don't understand. Why must we go through this when we are good parents? Why do so many of my friends have to go through this when they would be amazing parents too? I know our first loss was part of his plan. We wouldn't have J and S if not for the loss of our first child. But what was the point of Gavin's loss? It certainly didn't lead me to be a better mom and at this point even if we are blessed with another child we still biologically could have had them too. I don't understand. I know it's not necessary for me to understand, but I wish I did.
I don't know what we will ultimately decide. No matter what it is I'm sure it will be the best decision for us. But there will be a lot of soul searching and praying before we reach that point.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Writing
I feel this blog calling my name, I have been feeling it for quite a while. But I struggle with what to write. My grief over losing our precious Gavin is still so raw. I'm able to bury it deep most of the time with my duties at work and through my pursuit of being a good wife and mom. But the grief is never truly gone. I find myself in such a similar place to where I was three years ago. Due dates suck when you have no baby to hold. But I'm not sure writing about this grief is what I need.
I squeeze my boys a little tighter and try not to take any moment for granted. We went through so much to get them, they went through so much when they arrived. But I struggle with what to write about them. The story of conceiving them is more our story than theirs. But our life stories are now so wrapped up in theirs that I worry about what they might think if they were to read this in the future. I don't want my words to embarrass them or violate their privacy. They are such funny, smart, amazing boys. I have so many stories I would love to share, but I struggle with knowing if they are mine to share.
I want to write, but I don't know what to write.
I squeeze my boys a little tighter and try not to take any moment for granted. We went through so much to get them, they went through so much when they arrived. But I struggle with what to write about them. The story of conceiving them is more our story than theirs. But our life stories are now so wrapped up in theirs that I worry about what they might think if they were to read this in the future. I don't want my words to embarrass them or violate their privacy. They are such funny, smart, amazing boys. I have so many stories I would love to share, but I struggle with knowing if they are mine to share.
I want to write, but I don't know what to write.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Vulnerable
I wrote this on 12/18/13. We have since gone on to have another loss.
I wish I would have posted that. Nothing makes me feel vulnerable and raw like a miscarriage. But here we are, again. For the past three years I have railed against our society and their treatment of loss. Why should a family have to grieve in silence so they don't make others uncomfortable? Unfortunately miscarriage happens often and sometimes multiple times to the same family. It's not fair. When we had our first loss three years ago I felt so isolated in my grief. By being open about our loss I have made so many friends who have unfortunately experienced the same sadness. I have also been a comfort to friends who have come after me, helped them to know that it's okay to grieve and that they are not alone.
So I'm going to be strong and share our second loss in hopes that one day our story will bring comfort to others. On the 23rd I went in, expecting the worst again. But the baby's heart continued to beat! We had lost another day of growth and the gestational sac was still too small. I prayed so hard all of the next week, but when I went in on December 30 our baby no longer had a heartbeat.
I had a D&C on New Years Eve. Out of the last four years I have been pregnant on three New year's eves with one successful birth (of twins) to show for it. Saying that sucks is a huge understatement. We got our results back the other day and found out our baby was a boy with 69xxy triploidy. It hurts so badly to know that we have a son in heaven, but it's also healing. I'm glad to know we did everything possible for our son and that nothing we could have done differently would have changed anything.
Our sweet twins have helped ease my sadness. I can keep it together the majority of the time for them. Being at work is the hardest. I want to scream obscenities at the people who ask if I had a nice holiday. No, I have another angel in heaven and I had to have an invasive surgery to remove a very much wanted pregnancy. Does that sound like a good holiday to you? But one thing I have learned about miscarriage is that the scars are not visible. You never know who around you is suffering in silence. I hope by breaking my silence I can begin to heal.
"I am angry today. I am angry with our society and with myself. I think the taboo of pregnancy loss is so so stupid, but I continue to help perpetuate it. I won't lie, I cringe when I see someone announce before the pee on the stick is even dry. I know all too well that a pregnancy does not always result in a happy, healthy bundle of joy nine months later. But why do I cringe? Why did we choose to wait to announce our pregnancy with the boys until I was in the second trimester? Why are we keeping this pregnancy a secret?
That's right, we're pregnant! We found out the day after Thanksgiving. Our immediate reaction was shock, joy, and fear. I immediately called my RE who helped us get our boys. They fit me in that Monday morning and Wednesday for a blood test. Initially my progesterone, estrogen, and HCG were great. I started my progesterone supplements just to be safe. On December 11 we went in for an ultrasound and things looked good, the gestational sac measured 5w4d and there was a yolk. Repeat HCG showed an increase but not a doubling as expected. I have been around long enough to know that's not good and thought for sure I would miscarry quickly. On December 16 I went back to our RE and saw a beautiful heartbeat of 120bpm! Our RE was happy with the heartbeat but not thrilled with how small the gestational sac was in relation to the baby. That evening I found out that my estrogen and progesterone had both dipped lower than my RE likes, so now I am on a double dose of both.
My next ultrasound will be on the 23rd, two days before Christmas. I am scared and hopeful. The labs are not adding up to good things, but I am focusing on the beautiful heartbeat. Our baby's heartbeat. So for now we walk around in silent fear and excitement. Why do I not announce this pregnancy to the world? It's the dumb social taboo. Even though I feel it is ridiculous I still help it continue. I'm not sure I'm brave or strong enough to fight the taboo on my own, as much as I wish it didn't exist. Every baby deserves to be loved and celebrated, no matter how long they are with us."
I wish I would have posted that. Nothing makes me feel vulnerable and raw like a miscarriage. But here we are, again. For the past three years I have railed against our society and their treatment of loss. Why should a family have to grieve in silence so they don't make others uncomfortable? Unfortunately miscarriage happens often and sometimes multiple times to the same family. It's not fair. When we had our first loss three years ago I felt so isolated in my grief. By being open about our loss I have made so many friends who have unfortunately experienced the same sadness. I have also been a comfort to friends who have come after me, helped them to know that it's okay to grieve and that they are not alone.
So I'm going to be strong and share our second loss in hopes that one day our story will bring comfort to others. On the 23rd I went in, expecting the worst again. But the baby's heart continued to beat! We had lost another day of growth and the gestational sac was still too small. I prayed so hard all of the next week, but when I went in on December 30 our baby no longer had a heartbeat.
I had a D&C on New Years Eve. Out of the last four years I have been pregnant on three New year's eves with one successful birth (of twins) to show for it. Saying that sucks is a huge understatement. We got our results back the other day and found out our baby was a boy with 69xxy triploidy. It hurts so badly to know that we have a son in heaven, but it's also healing. I'm glad to know we did everything possible for our son and that nothing we could have done differently would have changed anything.
Our sweet twins have helped ease my sadness. I can keep it together the majority of the time for them. Being at work is the hardest. I want to scream obscenities at the people who ask if I had a nice holiday. No, I have another angel in heaven and I had to have an invasive surgery to remove a very much wanted pregnancy. Does that sound like a good holiday to you? But one thing I have learned about miscarriage is that the scars are not visible. You never know who around you is suffering in silence. I hope by breaking my silence I can begin to heal.
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