Anxiety

Anxiety is a part of who I am, it's always present, the degree just fluctuates.  Usually I can manage it reasonably well, and when I can't I have a prescription for Xanax.  But today I find myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of anxiety with no ladder to help me out.  I woke up this morning with a feeling of doom.  I know it's irrational, but it's there.

Every one of my losses has come hand in hand with another loss.  Our first child and my grandpa.  My beloved dog, Gavin, and one of our cats.  Now our precious girl.  I can't stop my brain from tumbling end over end with the question "who is next?".  Rationally I know that's not the way things work.  But tell that to my anxiety.

Then I started down the crazy train tracks of googling hereditary premature ovarian failure and recurrent triploidy.  I feel like there HAS to be a hereditary issue at work and it terrifies me for the boys.  My mom had issues similar to mine, although no known miscarriages.  Her and I have so much in common, including other health issues.  So there has to be a link.  My infertility and our losses are not an independent, out of the blue issue.  So what does this mean for my biological children?  I spent the better part of an hour searching, searching, searching for answers.  I found none.

Anxiety is a bitch.