We're considering donor eggs. It's a huge step and not one I am fully ready to even consider right now. My grief is still fresh and I need time to heal mentally. But no matter what we choose I know that I will never have another biological link to a child. It's difficult to process. Before we lost our girl we had given up on trying, but since we weren't protecting it was still a possibility. Now I'm back on birth control pills.
My grief over a biological child and our girl is so linked, I don't know how to separate it. I see a little girl playing outside and I wonder what it would have been like to raise our girl. Cute girls clothing stands out to me at the store, I should be buying them. Then I look at S and see the way his eyes squint when he grins, just like mine do. I will never have another child that "gets that" from me. J is so much like me in his determination. It's complicated trying to wrap my brain around possibly having another child who doesn't get any of their genes from me.
I would love to adopt if it was a sure thing and not so complicated in it's own way. I know I could love an adopted child just as much as I love J and S. I also know that I would love any child that resulted from donor eggs just as much. But there is still feelings of grief over the genetic link. When I take the boys out I always get so many comments about how J looks like me and S must look like Andy. It will be different if we have another. Different isn't a bad thing, but I'm not ready to fully go there yet. I'm not sure I ever will be.
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