Today Jacen and Spencer are two months old adjusted! Happy should have been birthday, boys!
I'm finally getting to work on a mommy right of passage I have wanted to do for a long time; birth announcements. Yes, I know they will be nearly five months old before anyone receives them but I don't care. We didn't get to celebrate their birth since we were so scared and worried. Then I was very protective of who got to see pictures of them. I'm well aware that to most people a 29w baby is far from cute. As precious as their faces were to us it hurt to know others wouldn't feel the same. I also definitely had a strong aversion (which continues) to anyone saying our boys are tiny, little, small etc. I just wasn't able to celebrate their birth in the midst of all the unknowns. But now, four and a half months later, I think I am finally ready to tackle this normal right of passage. I'm ready to celebrate their birth for the joyous event it has become, not for the rough start it was.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
You may have left the NICU
But the NICU experience will never leave you. Let me preface this post by saying two things: First, I honestly feel like the most blessed woman ever. My husband is wonderful, he takes care of the boys and myself 24/7. Our boys continue to grow big, strong, and healthy. But none of that changes what I lost. Second, if I know you in real life and you are pregnant or have a baby around the age of my boys this post is in no way meant against you. I promise that you have done nothing wrong.
Whew! Now that thats out of the way I can safely begin. When our boys were in the NICU I honestly didn't think too much about what life on the outside would be like. I knew it would be better but I tried to avoid thinking about how being born nearly 11w early would effect them. I couldn't wait for them to be discharged and for us to leave the confines of the hospital, where I never truly felt like Mom. But the truth is that the NICU and preemie experience doesn't stop at discharge. I don't get the "typical" mom experience. I'm constantly watchful of developmental milestones, our boys have far more appointments than a "normal" baby, and germs terrify me.
Yesterday a coworker brought her son to visit, he was born full term one week after our boys were due. It was crazy to realize our boys should be that same age. Instead of being four and a half months old they should be nearly two. Watching her carefree attitude gave me pangs of sadness. Her baby was passed around to willing hands to be smothered in well meaning kisses. I nearly had a panic attack watching. At one point the baby dropped his pacifier and someone picked it up off the ground and gave it back without even wiping it off. All those germs! I will never get to be that mom. We've been told that any sickness in the first year has a high probability of landing them back in the NICU. I am stronger, stronger than I ever imagined, but I am not that strong. Another NICU stay would push me over the edge I sometimes feel I teeter on.
I continue to be envious of the women who get to "enjoy" their third trimester. I know it must be uncomfortable and they're eager to meet their baby but it's so frustrating to hear someone complain. I can't help but think that I would have loved to be that uncomfortable, I would have loved my back hurting and them kicking my ribs. I would have loved the anticipation prior to going into labor. Instead I spent the ten days prior to their birth terrified that they might not survive, or that they would have a complicated life.
I never realized how greatly this would change our lives. Andy and I both cry every time we see the GE commercial. Memories and fears come racing back. At work I cry when reading the hospital records of a premature baby. I cried yesterday telling a coworker that never getting to take the gestational diabetes test still bothers me. I cry a lot, but that's really not unusual for me. But now I'm hit out of the blue with memories and regrets. I dont get to be the mom I imagined I would be but I know that I'm the mom God intended me to be.
Whew! Now that thats out of the way I can safely begin. When our boys were in the NICU I honestly didn't think too much about what life on the outside would be like. I knew it would be better but I tried to avoid thinking about how being born nearly 11w early would effect them. I couldn't wait for them to be discharged and for us to leave the confines of the hospital, where I never truly felt like Mom. But the truth is that the NICU and preemie experience doesn't stop at discharge. I don't get the "typical" mom experience. I'm constantly watchful of developmental milestones, our boys have far more appointments than a "normal" baby, and germs terrify me.
Yesterday a coworker brought her son to visit, he was born full term one week after our boys were due. It was crazy to realize our boys should be that same age. Instead of being four and a half months old they should be nearly two. Watching her carefree attitude gave me pangs of sadness. Her baby was passed around to willing hands to be smothered in well meaning kisses. I nearly had a panic attack watching. At one point the baby dropped his pacifier and someone picked it up off the ground and gave it back without even wiping it off. All those germs! I will never get to be that mom. We've been told that any sickness in the first year has a high probability of landing them back in the NICU. I am stronger, stronger than I ever imagined, but I am not that strong. Another NICU stay would push me over the edge I sometimes feel I teeter on.
I continue to be envious of the women who get to "enjoy" their third trimester. I know it must be uncomfortable and they're eager to meet their baby but it's so frustrating to hear someone complain. I can't help but think that I would have loved to be that uncomfortable, I would have loved my back hurting and them kicking my ribs. I would have loved the anticipation prior to going into labor. Instead I spent the ten days prior to their birth terrified that they might not survive, or that they would have a complicated life.
I never realized how greatly this would change our lives. Andy and I both cry every time we see the GE commercial. Memories and fears come racing back. At work I cry when reading the hospital records of a premature baby. I cried yesterday telling a coworker that never getting to take the gestational diabetes test still bothers me. I cry a lot, but that's really not unusual for me. But now I'm hit out of the blue with memories and regrets. I dont get to be the mom I imagined I would be but I know that I'm the mom God intended me to be.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Working mom
I have done exactly what I hate seeing in other twin blogs, I have abandoned my weekly writing. I have been all babies all the time in every free moment I have at home which does not leave a lot of blogging time. The transition back to work has been tough, I miss my boys so incredibly much. There is honestly nowhere I would rather be than with them. I have now been back at work for 14 business days, although I took yesterday off for their 4 month shots. I think we have figured out our next new normal until the next transition happens.
Jacen and Spencer are BIG boys now! Yesterday Jacen clocked in at 10lbs4oz and Spencer was 9lbs14oz. They're in 3 month clothing and size 1 diapers. Both boys are smiling and cooing all the time now. We're continuing to work with a physical therapist to improve their torticollis. Spencer loves to snuggle and kick his legs, Jacen loves to hold his head up and look around. Sunday will mark two months and one day since they came home from the hospital, which will be longer than they spent in the NICU. I'm so excited for that milestone! I am in awe of our boys every day, they're the strongest people I know!
I promise to try to write more frequently from here on out. I don't want to miss documenting anything!
Jacen and Spencer are BIG boys now! Yesterday Jacen clocked in at 10lbs4oz and Spencer was 9lbs14oz. They're in 3 month clothing and size 1 diapers. Both boys are smiling and cooing all the time now. We're continuing to work with a physical therapist to improve their torticollis. Spencer loves to snuggle and kick his legs, Jacen loves to hold his head up and look around. Sunday will mark two months and one day since they came home from the hospital, which will be longer than they spent in the NICU. I'm so excited for that milestone! I am in awe of our boys every day, they're the strongest people I know!
I promise to try to write more frequently from here on out. I don't want to miss documenting anything!
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