We have made it. Jacen and Spencer are 1 year old and Andy is 27! We have survived the first year of twins. That is no small feat!
Andy,
I love you. But you know that already. Eight years ago we were spending the first of many birthdays together, sailing kites in Hollywood's parking lot and other shenanigans. Six years ago we were spending our first day as an engaged couple, talking about our wedding and our future. One year ago we were so excited and scared to be welcoming our sweet boys into the world nearly 11 weeks early. This year we are having fun hanging out around the house, watching our boys cruise all over and dance to Yo Gabba Gabba. What will next year bring? I can only imagine! But I am so excited to find out with you. Thank you for being the best friend, husband, and father ever! Happy 27th birthday!
Jacen,
My sweet bullheaded boy, I am so proud of you! Your sense of humor never fails to put a smile on our faces. Son, you have the most amazing belly laugh! I often call you a bull in a china shop because you love to leap without looking. You are so determined. There is no question that you can and will do whatever you put your mind to. I hope you never lose that drive and determination because they are two things that very much make you you! Happy first birthday, my love!
Spencer,
My darling sweetheart, I am so proud of you too! I hope you know how amazed I am of your sweet and gentle nature. Your snuggles are a bright part to each of our days. I love how anytime there is music, and sometimes even when there isn't, you dance. You have music in your soul and it shines. Just being around you is enough to put a giant smile on my face and in my heart. Happy first birthday, my love!
I am the luckiest woman in the world, I have the very best three boys ever. I love you three with all my heart and can't wait to see what this next year brings!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
A year ago
A year ago today I was 28 weeks pregnant. Andy and I were at our friends and family shower, eating hamburgers grilled by our dads, blissfully unaware at how quickly things were about to change.
It's taken me almost the entire year to come to terms with what happened next. I went into labor at 28w1d gestation while sitting at Sunday service at our church. At the time I didn't know it was true labor, I wish I had. But I now realize that I did everything right with the knowledge I had at the time. A few days earlier I had been told, by a specialist in pre-term labor prevention, that my cervix was long and closed and I was not at risk of going into labor. I had no way of knowing how wrong that specialist was.
When I think back to a year ago it's very surreal. It feels both like yesterday and 100 years ago. It feels like someone else lived through that and in a sense they did. I am a very different person today than I was a year ago. Everything about Jacen and Spencer has changed who I am. I wish I could send the 2012 me a message.
Dear Me,
Things are about to get scary. You will cry and pray harder than you ever have in your life. You will be more scared and vulnerable than ever before. It's okay. It's okay to feel whatever emotions you are feeling in the moment. It's okay to be scared, sad, angry, jealous, happy, thankful...What you are feeling is legitimate no matter what it is. Let yourself feel it. I know it doesn't seem like it but things will be okay. Jacen will be almost walking a year from now. He will be a funny, mischievous boy with a twinkle in his eye, he will have deep belly laughs and leap before looking. Spencer will be your sweet cuddle boy, with the goofiest grin and laugh ever, and he will love to dance to all kinds of music. They will be your pride and joy. Jacen will recover from his pneumothorax, grade I brain bleed, anemia, and reflux. Spencer will be just fine despite his need for intubation, grade II brain bleed, anemia, and reflux. They will go from being 2lb213oz and 3lbs 3oz to over 19lbs by their 1st birthday. They will actually be wearing 12 month clothing at 12 months of age! They will learn to eat, in fact they will learn to love food. Knowing all this, seeing it for yourself even, won't change those early emotions. But you are the mother your boys deserve. You have advocated for them their entire life, even before, and will continue to advocate for them for as long as you live. You are their mother no matter how much you might not feel like it at times. I promise that things will get better.
With love,
The Me Who Has Been There
I would include a snapshot of them today standing tall while holding onto the baby gate (jail). It would probably be blurry since they never hold still unless they're sleeping. But it would be all the me from then would need to know that everything was going to be okay. The boys would not only survive, they would thrive and grow.
I am so thankful that we have come so far. With counseling I have come to terms with my pre-term labor, early delivery, and their NICU stay. But it will never be a happy story. I will always wish that I could have carried them longer and prevented all that they had to go through. But I do know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I'm looking forward to celebrating their 1st birthday with the joy I didn't get to feel on their birth day. I can't wait to get a picture of Andy, Jacen, and Spencer all digging into cake. That's an image I have held in my mind for almost a year now and I am so thankful that we will get to make it a reality.
It's taken me almost the entire year to come to terms with what happened next. I went into labor at 28w1d gestation while sitting at Sunday service at our church. At the time I didn't know it was true labor, I wish I had. But I now realize that I did everything right with the knowledge I had at the time. A few days earlier I had been told, by a specialist in pre-term labor prevention, that my cervix was long and closed and I was not at risk of going into labor. I had no way of knowing how wrong that specialist was.
When I think back to a year ago it's very surreal. It feels both like yesterday and 100 years ago. It feels like someone else lived through that and in a sense they did. I am a very different person today than I was a year ago. Everything about Jacen and Spencer has changed who I am. I wish I could send the 2012 me a message.
Dear Me,
Things are about to get scary. You will cry and pray harder than you ever have in your life. You will be more scared and vulnerable than ever before. It's okay. It's okay to feel whatever emotions you are feeling in the moment. It's okay to be scared, sad, angry, jealous, happy, thankful...What you are feeling is legitimate no matter what it is. Let yourself feel it. I know it doesn't seem like it but things will be okay. Jacen will be almost walking a year from now. He will be a funny, mischievous boy with a twinkle in his eye, he will have deep belly laughs and leap before looking. Spencer will be your sweet cuddle boy, with the goofiest grin and laugh ever, and he will love to dance to all kinds of music. They will be your pride and joy. Jacen will recover from his pneumothorax, grade I brain bleed, anemia, and reflux. Spencer will be just fine despite his need for intubation, grade II brain bleed, anemia, and reflux. They will go from being 2lb213oz and 3lbs 3oz to over 19lbs by their 1st birthday. They will actually be wearing 12 month clothing at 12 months of age! They will learn to eat, in fact they will learn to love food. Knowing all this, seeing it for yourself even, won't change those early emotions. But you are the mother your boys deserve. You have advocated for them their entire life, even before, and will continue to advocate for them for as long as you live. You are their mother no matter how much you might not feel like it at times. I promise that things will get better.
With love,
The Me Who Has Been There
I would include a snapshot of them today standing tall while holding onto the baby gate (jail). It would probably be blurry since they never hold still unless they're sleeping. But it would be all the me from then would need to know that everything was going to be okay. The boys would not only survive, they would thrive and grow.
I am so thankful that we have come so far. With counseling I have come to terms with my pre-term labor, early delivery, and their NICU stay. But it will never be a happy story. I will always wish that I could have carried them longer and prevented all that they had to go through. But I do know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I'm looking forward to celebrating their 1st birthday with the joy I didn't get to feel on their birth day. I can't wait to get a picture of Andy, Jacen, and Spencer all digging into cake. That's an image I have held in my mind for almost a year now and I am so thankful that we will get to make it a reality.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Moments
With twins it's so easy to get caught up in the moment and forget to look at the big picture. Tonight I caught myself doing something I have sworn I would try never to do. I was taking for granted how truly blessed I am.
Picture this scene: Mom has been at work all day, at a job she doesn't particularly enjoy. Her brain is tired. She's greeted by her loving husband telling her its been a more challenging day, and the boys are whining. They continue to whine, and cry, and pull eachother's hair. Getting them changed is like trying to fit a two legged diaper on an octopus. They cry, mom cries. Tears all around!
Yeah, it was one of those days. I was so frustrated with the crying, even though I know right now that's the only way they have to voice their displeasure. We're in the middle of teething hell, Spencer just cut is first tooth and is working on the second, and Jacen is working on his first. None of us have slept through the night in awhile, which certainly doesn't improve my frustration tolerance.
I was crying to Jacen, "I can't wait until you can tell me what's wrong!", when it dawned on me that I was taking today for granted. After everything we have gone through, I was taking that moment for granted. With that realization I instantly felt a wave of relief. I looked right at Jacen and told him, "It's okay, go ahead and cry. I love you no matter what. I'll happily take a million of these difficult moments versus even one without you.".
I won't lie, Jacen kept on crying and so did Spencer. But I stopped, I calmed down, I enjoyed my time with them. Tonight their bedtime story was My Love Will Find You. I had a hard time making it through because I was truly cherishing the moment. I had two perfect boys staring at me, soaking up every word. That is a picture I'm going to try to hold in my mind whenever things are difficult and I need to look at the big picture. I don't want to take a single second of this for granted.
Picture this scene: Mom has been at work all day, at a job she doesn't particularly enjoy. Her brain is tired. She's greeted by her loving husband telling her its been a more challenging day, and the boys are whining. They continue to whine, and cry, and pull eachother's hair. Getting them changed is like trying to fit a two legged diaper on an octopus. They cry, mom cries. Tears all around!
Yeah, it was one of those days. I was so frustrated with the crying, even though I know right now that's the only way they have to voice their displeasure. We're in the middle of teething hell, Spencer just cut is first tooth and is working on the second, and Jacen is working on his first. None of us have slept through the night in awhile, which certainly doesn't improve my frustration tolerance.
I was crying to Jacen, "I can't wait until you can tell me what's wrong!", when it dawned on me that I was taking today for granted. After everything we have gone through, I was taking that moment for granted. With that realization I instantly felt a wave of relief. I looked right at Jacen and told him, "It's okay, go ahead and cry. I love you no matter what. I'll happily take a million of these difficult moments versus even one without you.".
I won't lie, Jacen kept on crying and so did Spencer. But I stopped, I calmed down, I enjoyed my time with them. Tonight their bedtime story was My Love Will Find You. I had a hard time making it through because I was truly cherishing the moment. I had two perfect boys staring at me, soaking up every word. That is a picture I'm going to try to hold in my mind whenever things are difficult and I need to look at the big picture. I don't want to take a single second of this for granted.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
When did our babies turn into boys?
This has turned into one of those blogs. You know the ones. They write tons about all the bad stuff then when good stuff finally happens you get radio silence. Life is busy, go figure. But I can't quite figure out the direction I want to take this blog in. I started out talking about trying to conceive after our miscarriage, then morphed into a story about our infertility, then our pregnancy with twins, then our NICU stay...Then the blog coverage stumbled and halted.
Honestly, things are good right now. Really really really good. Sometimes I take a deep breath and try to fathom how this is my life now. How have I ended up being so blessed? Jacen and Spencer are incredible. Tomorrow they will be 7 months adjusted, 9 and a half months actual. They are crawling everywhere and getting into everything. Jacen is learning how to sit up on his own and both boys sit well independently. They're also both learning to pull up on people/objects. At their 9 month appointment today Jacen weighed 17lbs7oz and Spencer weighed 17lbs12oz. It's crazy how quickly they're growing and developing!
I think an overhaul and remodel is in the future for this blog, but I'm not sure when or how. So for now just know that life is great and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Honestly, things are good right now. Really really really good. Sometimes I take a deep breath and try to fathom how this is my life now. How have I ended up being so blessed? Jacen and Spencer are incredible. Tomorrow they will be 7 months adjusted, 9 and a half months actual. They are crawling everywhere and getting into everything. Jacen is learning how to sit up on his own and both boys sit well independently. They're also both learning to pull up on people/objects. At their 9 month appointment today Jacen weighed 17lbs7oz and Spencer weighed 17lbs12oz. It's crazy how quickly they're growing and developing!
I think an overhaul and remodel is in the future for this blog, but I'm not sure when or how. So for now just know that life is great and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)