Bad Mom

Have you ever had one of those weeks where everything you do seems to go badly?  This past week it has felt like my skin is on too tight and with one more wrong move it would split in half.  Everything has felt uncomfortable and I have felt like I suck at everything.  

After a day that shouldn't have been bad but somehow felt like it was I was in a horrible mood.  I took Pyro for a walk but even he wasn't making things easier.  I was done.  So I decided to go see Bad Moms.

Best. Movie.  Ever.

For reals.  It's raunchy and unapologetically potty mouthed.  It was perfect.  Those moms are me, except way cooler.  Or are they?  The world puts a ton of pressure on me but I make it a million times worse. My inner monologue is a constant drum beat of disdain for my choices, words, appearance, and behavior.  Nothing I do is good enough for myself.  We struggled so damn much to get our boys and then I constantly feel like I'm screwing up.  Like I'm screwing them up.  I'm constantly mad at myself for getting frustrated, for not making the healthiest meals, for not giving them my undivided attention 100% of the time I am with them.  I'm in burnout mode at home and at work.  And it's all my fault.  But there I go with the negativity against myself again.

I need to give myself a break.  I am not the perfect mom, wife, daughter, worker, coworker, friend.  And I never will be.  Because perfect is not realistic.  I am flawed but I love fiercely.  My loved ones know how truly loved they are and that should be all that matters.

The Due Date

Sweet Liana, tomorrow is your due date.  When I first found out I was pregnant I never thought I would make it to my due date but I was so hopeful I would make it close.  Even with our history I had hope.  I had no idea how things would work out or how I could possibly survive your loss.  But I have.  I am still here, walking amongst others, parenting your brothers, trying to be a good wife to your daddy.  I miss you so much.  Every night, as I am drifting to sleep, I imagine your face and your personality.  Would you be a mini me like your oldest brother or a firecracker like S?  We lost so much when we lost you.  We lost our dreams and our hopes for your future.  Andy and I lost our daughter and the hope of another biological child.  Your big brothers lost their little sister.  You would have rocked our world and turned it upside down.  But I would have relished every moment of it knowing how lucky I was to be your mom.  I know that I will meet you and hold you one day.  You are playing in heaven with your big brother Gavin and our first child.  You are not alone and I like to imagine all the fun you must be having being spoiled by all your great grandparents.  I love you.