A year ago

A year ago today I was 28 weeks pregnant.  Andy and I were at our friends and family shower, eating hamburgers grilled by our dads, blissfully unaware at how quickly things were about to change.

It's taken me almost the entire year to come to terms with what happened next.  I went into labor at 28w1d gestation while sitting at Sunday service at our church.  At the time I didn't know it was true labor, I wish I had.  But I now realize that I did everything right with the knowledge I had at the time.  A few days earlier I had been told, by a specialist in pre-term labor prevention, that my cervix was long and closed and I was not at risk of going into labor.    I had no way of knowing how wrong that specialist was.

When I think back to a year ago it's very surreal.  It feels both like yesterday and 100 years ago.  It feels like someone else lived through that and in a sense they did.  I am a very different person today than I was a year ago.   Everything about Jacen and Spencer has changed who I am.  I wish I could send the 2012 me a message.

Dear Me,
Things are about to get scary.  You will cry and pray harder than you ever have in your life.  You will be more scared and vulnerable than ever before.  It's okay.  It's okay to feel whatever emotions you are feeling in the moment.  It's okay to be scared, sad, angry, jealous, happy, thankful...What you are feeling is legitimate no matter what it is.  Let yourself feel it.  I know it doesn't seem like it but things will be okay.  Jacen will be almost walking a year from now.  He will be a funny, mischievous boy with a twinkle in his eye, he will have deep belly laughs and leap before looking.  Spencer will be your sweet cuddle boy, with the goofiest grin and laugh ever, and he will love to dance to all kinds of music.  They will be your pride and joy.  Jacen will recover from his pneumothorax, grade I brain bleed, anemia, and reflux.  Spencer will be just fine despite his need for intubation, grade II brain bleed, anemia, and reflux.  They will go from being 2lb213oz and 3lbs 3oz to over 19lbs by their 1st birthday.  They will actually be wearing 12 month clothing at 12 months of age!  They will learn to eat, in fact they will learn to love food.  Knowing all this, seeing it for yourself even, won't change those early emotions.  But you are the mother your boys deserve.  You have advocated for them their entire life, even before, and will continue to advocate for them for as long as you live.  You are their mother no matter how much you might not feel like it at times.  I promise that things will get better.

                                                                                            With love,
                                                                                                       The Me Who Has Been There

I would include a snapshot of them today standing tall while holding onto the baby gate (jail).  It would probably be blurry since they never hold still unless they're sleeping.  But it would be all the me from then would need to know that everything was going to be okay.  The boys would not only survive, they would thrive and grow.

I am so thankful that we have come so far.  With counseling I have come to terms with my pre-term labor, early delivery, and their NICU stay.  But it will never be a happy story.  I will always wish that I could have carried them longer and prevented all that they had to go through.  But I do know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.  I'm looking forward to celebrating their 1st birthday with the joy I didn't get to feel on their birth day.  I can't wait to get a picture of Andy, Jacen, and Spencer all digging into cake.  That's an image I have held in my mind for almost a year now and I am so thankful that we will get to make it a reality.

Moments

With twins it's so easy to get caught up in the moment and forget to look at the big picture.  Tonight I caught myself doing something I have sworn I would try never to do.  I was taking for granted how truly blessed I am.

 Picture this scene:  Mom has been at work all day, at a job she doesn't particularly enjoy.  Her brain is tired.  She's greeted by her loving husband telling her its been a more challenging day, and the boys are whining.  They continue to whine, and cry, and pull eachother's hair.  Getting them changed is like trying to fit a two legged diaper on an octopus.  They cry, mom cries.  Tears all around!

Yeah, it was one of those days.  I was so frustrated with the crying, even though I know right now that's the only way they have to voice their displeasure.  We're in the middle of teething hell, Spencer just cut is first tooth and is working on the second, and Jacen is working on his first.  None of us have slept through the night in awhile, which certainly doesn't improve my frustration tolerance.

I was crying to Jacen, "I can't wait until you can tell me what's wrong!", when it dawned on me that I was taking today for granted.  After everything we have gone through, I was taking that moment for granted.  With that realization I instantly felt a wave of relief.  I looked right at Jacen and told him, "It's okay, go ahead and cry.  I love you no matter what.  I'll happily take a million of these difficult moments versus even one without you.".

I won't lie, Jacen kept on crying and so did Spencer.  But I stopped, I calmed down, I enjoyed my time with them.  Tonight their bedtime story was My Love Will Find You.  I had a hard time making it through because I was truly cherishing the moment.  I had two perfect boys staring at me, soaking up every word.  That is a picture I'm going to try to hold in my mind whenever things are difficult and I need to look at the big picture.  I don't want to take a single second of this for granted.

When did our babies turn into boys?

This has turned into one of those blogs.  You know the ones.  They write tons about all the bad stuff then when good stuff finally happens you get radio silence.  Life is busy, go figure.  But I can't quite figure out the direction I want to take this blog in.  I started out talking about trying to conceive after our miscarriage, then morphed into a story about our infertility, then our pregnancy with twins, then our NICU stay...Then the blog coverage stumbled and halted.

Honestly, things are good right now.  Really really really good.  Sometimes I take a deep breath and try to fathom how this is my life now.  How have I ended up being so blessed?  Jacen and Spencer are incredible.  Tomorrow they will be 7 months adjusted, 9 and a half months actual.  They are crawling everywhere and getting into everything.  Jacen is learning how to sit up on his own and both boys sit well independently.  They're also both learning to pull up on people/objects.  At their 9 month appointment today Jacen weighed 17lbs7oz and Spencer weighed 17lbs12oz.  It's crazy how quickly they're growing and developing!

I think an overhaul and remodel is in the future for this blog, but I'm not sure when or how.  So for now just know that life is great and I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Thanksgiving 2012

For the first time in a long time I'm awake later than Andy.  I honestly cannot remember the last time he went to bed first.  It's nice to be awake in a peacefully quiet house, no noise other than the dishwasher running.  The boys have been in bed for over an hour now and I've prepped the bottles for tomorrow.  So now I'm just thinking of how thankful and grateful I am for all that I have been blessed with.

Jacen and Spencer are growing and thriving.  One week ago Jacen weighed 15lbs and Spencer weighed 16!  That's a long way from their birth weights.  They have persevered against their first virus, a nasty stomach bug I brought home from work.  Jacen has also had his first ear infection.  Despite being sick the boys were troopers.  Aside from refusing bottles there wasn't much to alert us to them not feeling well.  Spencer is a rolling machine and Jacen has recently started "crawling" in a circle.  They're mobile!  I don't think it will be much longer before they're seriously all over this house and getting into everything.  

Last saturday was World Prematurity Day.  Hand to Hold announced their Preemie Power top winners.  Jacen and Spencer received third place in their age category and will be receiving capes in the mail!  I'm so proud of them.  I hate that they had such a rough start but it makes me feel good that we're already turning it into a purpose instead of a negative.  I'm happy that we can hopefully help others through what we have experienced.

Jacen and Spencer's first Thanksgiving was very low key.  My dad is having back surgery next week so my parents were unable to come over for fear of being exposed to the nasty bug the boys and I had.  So I bought a small precooked turkey breast, gravy, rolls, and apple pie.  I whipped up some quick stovetop stuffing and mashed potatoes.  We still had a feast!  The boys sat in their highchairs and played while we ate.  They're not quite ready to try real food but they'll be there soon.

The boys are getting so big!  Andy has curly hair that lays flat when short and I have straight hair that supposedly stood straight up when I was a baby.  So for now we're guessing Spencer will have curly hair and Jacen's will be straight.  Only time will tell but it sure is fun to guess!  They also have different eye colors and skin tones.  Jacen is much darker and his eyes are darker, too.  Spencer's eyes look like they're turning green but we're not too sure about Jacen's.

Overall the boys are doing extremely well.  They're still receiving physical therapy for torticollis, although Spencer probably won't qualify when he gets reevaluated.  We're working on getting a DOC band helmet for Jacen to correct his plagiocephaly.  Insurance denied the preauthorization but I'm fighting it.  Hopefully it won't take too many hours on the phone to get everything straightened out and he can be in his helmet by Christmas.  Other than that they have no health problems and their development is at least at their adjusted age, often times closer to actual.  We are so incredibly blessed!

Time is flying

One year ago today we found out that we were blessed with twins.  That day is so vividly ingrained into my memory.  I was so terrified that we would be told bad news.  Instead  I still laugh remembering Andy's reaction, "Wait, there are two?".  At the time I was so overwhelmed.  I felt like I had just received a syllabus for a very tough class on the first day of school.  It seems impossible, but it's what you have to do.  Then at the end of the semester you look back and wonder what seemed so tough about it.  I won't lie, having twins is very tough.  But I can't imagine not having them.  I can't imagine Jacen without Spencer, or Spencer without Jacen.  They are such unique boys but they are definitely a pair.  A pair I feel so very blessed to have, every second of every day.

Jacen and Spencer are 6 and a half months old, 4 months adjusted now.  I can't believe how quickly time is flying!  They're growing so quickly, it's bittersweet.  They were newborns for so so long and then one day they suddenly weren't.  They're such unique, funny, quirky boys.

Jacen is our stone-faced silly boy.  He's so serious and inquisitive most of the time, but when he smiles it's a big one!  Both our boys are a funny balance of Andy and I.  Jacen has Andy's outward personality in that he's not overly excitable.   But he seems to have my love of structure and is very intent when figuring things out.  Spencer is our smiley, flirty boy.  He has  Andy's easy going personality but my quick smile.

Spencer has begun rolling from back to belly very frequently.  With this new skill it's obvious that mobility is in the not too distant future.  In preparation Andy and I are turning our third bedroom into a playroom for the boys.  I never thought I would be a playroom person, but there is just no other way to do it.  Once both boys are mobile we will need someplace to contain them.  We need to keep them safe from the dogs, and keep the dogs safe from them! So today we cleaned out the room and Andy rented a carpet cleaner.  I can't wait to set it all up.

Don't forget to vote for the boys in the Preemie Power Contest!  You can vote once a day.

Preemie Power - Please vote!

I promise a more substantial entry soon, but in the mean time please vote for Jacen and Spencer in the Preemie Power contest!

Ch ch changes

Jacen and Spencer are growing up so quickly!  They're big, healthy boys.  On 10/5 at their 6 month pediatrician appointment Jacen weighed 13lbs11oz and Spencer weighed 14lbs1oz.  Spencer has taken the lead again and both boys were nearly 11lbs over their birth weight.  Not too shabby at all.  Jacen is really into seeing and doing, he does not like laying down one bit.  He's very antsy to sit up but isn't quite able to do it on his own yet.  Spencer has suddenly become a master roller.  Unfortunately for mommy's nerves this means he's rolling to his tummy.  So far he hasn't rolled at night, at least.  This past Friday we transitioned from pack n plays in our room to their cribs at night.  They have done great!  I've been extra anxious and hardly slept on Friday night because I was staring at the monitor constantly.  The anxiety is slowly starting to fade.

We have dropped another bottle from their day so now they are eating 6oz of Neosure five times a day.  Typically they eat at 6am, 10am,1pm, 5pm, and 8pm.  This routine is making me feel like we finally have this twin thing figured out, although I'm sure that will change again really soon.  We're transitioning off of the reflux medications and so far that is going well.  I'm hopeful they have grown out of it!  Their fancy new highchairs arrived today so soon we are going to try to establish a family meal time.  We're not ready for the boys to eat actual food yet, but we want them to get used to their chairs.  Plus, it would be really nice to be able to eat a hot meal together again.  

We were denied for Synagis so I'm in a battle with insurance.  Synagis is a monthly shot which helps dull the effect should the boys catch RSV.  We've been told that RSV is the #1 cause of preemies having to go back to the NICU.  I'm not expecting for them to reverse the denial so we're under quarantine and have a strict hand washing/sanitizing policy.  The whole process for Synagis is frustrating and complicated.  If the boys had been born just five days earlier they would qualify no problem, or if we had Medicaid they would qualify for other reasons.  I'm so thankful they got five extra days in my womb, but it stinks to be denied something so important because of it.  I'm trying to look at it as a positive that they were denied because it means they're healthy.  But it's still scary.

It's so hard to believe that a year ago today I went in for my very first betas to confirm my pregnancy with the boys.  What would I have thought then if I had known what the next year would entail?  What will this next year bring for us?  It's crazy to think of what might be to come.  I don't think life will every be boring again.