It's over

My RE fit me in for an ultrasound and it was confirmed that I am miscarrying.  Baby measured 6w3d, a growth of two days and still had a heartbeat but it was very very slow.  It's torture knowing my baby is still alive but will for sure pass away.  Either I will miscarry naturally over this long weekend or I will have a D&C on Tuesday.  I'm praying I don't have to miscarry naturally.  I want the certainty of the D&C as well as the genetic results.  There are no words for how terrible this is.

I hate this

I woke up to bright red blood this morning.  It's Saturday so I'm probably going to have to suffer the unknown until Monday.  But bleeding has never been good for me.  I'm having flashbacks to our first loss, having to lay in the shower while the worst of it happened.  I don't want another D&C, but I prefer it to miscarrying on my own.  At least then I could know if this precious baby is a boy or girl and WHY the fuck this happened.  God, I know you have a plan but I really don't know why breaking our hearts is part of it.

I fully realize I shouldn't jump to thinking I'm miscarrying, but it's self preservation.  This was all too good to be true.  People like us don't get to be infertility cliches.  We were blessed doubly once before and apparently that's it for us.

Limbo Land

Here we are again, the place I desperately hate: Limbo.  Baby measured 6w1d and has a heartbeat of 113 bpm.  I should be thrilled and part of me is.  But part of me feels like this is déjà vu.  Our baby is measuring a few days behind my LMP (and further from my guess O date) and the gestational sac looked small to me.  The radiographer and nurse were both cautiously optimistic so I am trying to be too.  Logically I know that our past experiences do not determine our current, but it's so hard.  We will know more in two weeks.  Please please please grow, little one!  Please be strong and healthy!

Good news!

1,425 which is a doubling time of 38.76 hours!  I'm in shock and so thrilled.  And terrified.  Grow baby, grow!

Well

256.  It's not a bad number at all!  I go back Monday for a repeat.  Deep breaths and lots of prayers.

Reality

I'm flip flopping on if I want to get betas this go around.  Yesterday I was firmly decided that I did not want them.  I had them with Gavin and at first they showed everything was good.  So I don't think they would truly offer me any relief, just more worry if the number didn't feel right.  But what if this is a CP and getting a beta is my only chance to truly document that this baby existed, that s/he was here even if it was only for a short time?  This baby matters.  I want them to be real, not just a memory of a line on a pregnancy test.  But then again, what difference will it make?  Betas don't show you much of anything and I wouldn't do anything differently at this point anyway.   I wish I could be blissfully ignorant right now.

Here we go again

Just when I had reached the point of being okay with being done, we're pregnant.  No interventions and no trying.  We are an infertility cliche and I'm in shock and terrified.  I want to be excited and happy, but it's so hard.  This is my third time conceiving naturally and we all know what happened the first two times.  We know I have shitty eggs and that my RE wasn't optimistic for us conceiving a healthy baby again even with interventions.  So I know how this will likely end.  But today I am pregnant and I love this baby SO much.  Please, God.  Please.